Everyone blames my daughter’s behavior on extended breastfeeding and I’m f*ing sick of it

@laddersdoorskeys Lol I have breastfed her more times than I can count since his rant last night. Twice it was right in front of him and he was totally fine. In fact I’m nursing her right now lmao

I do think that a lack of intimacy is a shitty thing to have in a marriage but I read these threads and I swear some of our husbands act like they are the first dads to ever not get enough sex.
 
@arrowzahns The lack of intimacy is no one’s fault but his own. And he is shooting him self by undermining you and being an ass. Like you said, hard to be interested after getting yelled at. Resentment is a mood killer.
 
@arrowzahns Good for you. Tell him, and any/everyone else blaming breastfeeding on kiddo's 'bad sleeping' to kick rocks. FFS. He is the problem. Not you. Not her. HIM. Ugh.
 
@arrowzahns My kid is almost 3 and couldn’t latch as a newborn and has had issues with sleeping every few months. If he isn’t in a boring dark room with white noise he will stay up till the sun comes up if you let him. It’s 1000000% that your husband isn’t committed to the routine. And as far as the lights and electronic devices go- that would obvs keep most people up and the fact that he has the audacity to blame it on you breastfeeding is some serious BS. Sure nursing to sleep isn’t the best but hey, that’s a battle most parents face whether it’s the titty or the bottle. He needs to get with the program and commit to a routine before he starts spouting off at the mouth. Good luck OP, I hope things work out for you very soon.
 
@arrowzahns There is a great searies of books by Louis Bates Ames called “Your two year old” “your three year old” etc. (I just bought the last one “your 10-14 year old” and I’m so sad!) whenever I start thinking something is wrong or too difficult or what is up with this behavior I turn to these short concise books and am almost immediately reassured. Most things just need reframed, kids have a job to do and they are doing it as best as they can. We can support them but sometimes there are growing pains. What is going on sounds right on schedule- no one is broken or wrong except for your husband to throwing up barriers to to it good parenting and scapegoating your boobs for developmentally appropriate behavior FROM A TWO YEAR OLD. She’s two- how many adults can just fall asleep in a bright room with interesting things happening and their two favorite people there when they are feeling wound up. Not to mention there is 100% tension there, even if you aren’t aware of it and kids pick up on that. Your husband is way way way out of line. What you are doing works, he has no reason to change it that isn’t about his dick. I dont think major parenting decisions should be made with dads penis in mind, personally (I’m being crude because I think he is being crude and I’m pissed). He can take over bedtime and night waking 100% if it’s so important to him- maybe go away to a nice hotel or stay with a friend for a week or so when YOU AND HER are ready to wean. Mine nursed until 3 1/2 and stopped when I wanted to stop.

People are so weird about breast feeding but that’s another topic. Your coworkers better kind their own damn business, I’d be in HR filing a complaint about it. Your boobs are not a work topic.
 
@arrowzahns Your husbands sleep instincts seem poor.

I’m assuming the other people with the unsolicited sleep advice are childless. I too was a perfect parent before I had children.

I also though the kid would be much older when you said extended bread feeding. If those in my circle who breastfed, I’m one of the few I know who cut it off between 6 and 12 months. Most of the rest of my friends “boobed their kid to bed” well into the toddler years. A lot of people like the quiet time with their kid especially after not seeing them as much in the daytime after you’re back to work.
 
@doubledogdare He grew up around utter chaos (huge family) and then joined the military where you’re in a room with 75 other people she you have no pillows and a hard ass cot/bed only to be screamed at at the asscrack of dawn to wake up. No wonder he has nightmares when he does sleep.

I also am one of those people who sleeps better with things going on around me. When we had our daughter I had to remind myself that she can’t go to sleep with a tv on.
 
@arrowzahns I'm a CLC.

This is biologically NORMAL behavior. I hate the term extended breastfeeding as The AAP and the WHO now recommend at least 2 years of breastfeeding. The average weaning age globally is 2-7 years. Biological infant sleep is not like adult sleep. And from a neurological standpoint, humans are infants for the first 3 years of life. Cosleeping is also the biological norm for our species, independent sleep is a western concept.

That being said, I'll tell you my sleep set up and maybe it will give you some ideas. I have an 18 month old and a 3-year old. The 18 month old has coslept with me since he was born. My husband doesn't even sleep in our bed anymore, he sleeps in my toddlers bed with her because she still needs sleep support. If you think about it, it's not a totally crazy concept that little kids don't like to be alone in the dark for 10-12 hours.

My 18 month old goes to bed around 7-8pm. I don't put a hard time on it, because he's human and not a robot. If nap ran a little late, then he might be up a little later. It is way easier to go with the flow than fight it. I side lie nurse him until he falls asleep on my floor mattress. I basically use the bedroom for sleep only. If husband was in the room playing on an ipad, the kid would never go to sleep. When he wakes up in the night i just nurse him back to sleep.

You can make adjustments to your sleeping situation if yours is not working for you. I think the biggest thing is that husband is there, being all loud when the baby is trying to go to bed. Maybe try making a space just for sleep and suggest that husband do his iPad in another room while you're doing bedtime. Some cultures have sleeping rooms, and they are for sleeping, not TV or entertainment. It makes sense. Also I'm not sure how close your little one is to 3, but around 3yo babies start to drop that nap in the middle of the day. When they drop the nap, usually bedtime gets a lot smoother as they just conk out.

As far as the night weaning goes, it's possible but often times you have to employ the help of your partner to soothe the baby. Usually takes a few days for the baby to grasp that they don't get night time milk anymore. You could try telling them that "milky is asleep and you can have some as soon as the sun comes out".

Everyone is so quick to blame breastfeeding for a, b and c problem when more often than not their kids are acting totally normal. It's usually adults who need some reframing of their expectations and education on what the norm is as far as infant behaviors.
 
@clarityaim
The AAP and the WHO now recommend at least 2 years of breastfeeding.
Click to expand...

I TELL PEOPLE THIS EXACT THING AND THEY ACT LIKE I AM MAKING SHIT UP.

Everything else you said is also wonderful. I will save this and show my husband (who just woke up and is ironically in a great mood and willing to talk about last night). We have a big walk-in closet and one of his suggestions was putting her bed in there so that we can keep it quiet and dark but close to us. Another suggestion was putting a mattress on the floor for her and I, this is what my friend is doing for her little one who is sleep nursing.

Thank you for your insight!
 
@arrowzahns I have a crappy sleeper who nursed to sleep until she was about 2.5 years old (now 3.25 years), and I can confidently tell you that weaning has NOT made her fall asleep faster lol.
 
@arrowzahns I nursed both my boys until they were two. Ones nearly 6 and ones nearly 4. My eldest slept like a log in his own bed no issue. My youngest collect until I weaned him, then for another two months while I taught him to sleep in his own bed, then on and off when sick or nightmares until he was 3.5. It’s not the nursing, but that won’t stop people from telling you it is.
 
@arrowzahns Has your husband ever considered that she may have insomnia, too? Kids can have disordered sleep just like adults do. My niece had a very difficult time going to sleep from birth. Melatonin sometimes helped and her pediatrician recommended it when she was around 2, I think.

With an intense energy level like hers, and difficulty sleeping, I encourage you to watch for signs of ADHD. They present differently in girls, so it can be harder to diagnose. I’m not saying she has it now, but just keep an open mind as she gets older that it could be possible.
 
@godisgoodtome11 I think they have to be 3 or 4 for melatonin due to possible side effects. She definitely has something that keeps her from getting tired like a normal human haha

Her older half-brother has adhd and I know my husband had some undiagnosed add- or adhd-type issues, and I suspect that I have undiagnosed ADD. So that would make sense.
 
@arrowzahns Your husband is such an idiot. At least about this. I do suggest getting the toddler in her own room, but I also strongly suggest a queen size floor bed, where you can comfortably brestfeed to sleep, go hangout with your husband, and when the kid wakes, you go and sleep with the kid, breastfeeding or doing whatever else to get her back to sleep once she wakes.

FYI - I stopped breastfeeding just before daughter turned 2, it was due to her super stuffy nose and she just couldn't do it, so she accepted a cup of tea and I stroked her cheek to sleep. It's now been around 6 months since she last tasted the titty. You know how she sleeps at night? Exactly the same. But, now usually my husband goes to sleep with her, after she first wakes, since she's now also perfectly happy with him. He also went there when I still breastfed, usually around 4, to give me a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but she sometimes cried for me and it didn't work. As she aged (she's now 2.5) she also needs less intervention- she sometimes just needs to touch us with her hand or leg and once she knows someone is there, she falls right back to sleep. And she has had times when she slept through the night, but it also happened when she was still breastfeeding (like once or twice). But generally, she still wakes once or twice per night, sometimes to go to the potty, sometimes for a sip of water, sometimes just to know someone is there. And we still have totally shit nights when she's up a million times and it starts just a few hours after putting her to bed - that's usually when she's sick or had too much sugar.
 
@arrowzahns Hey, so completely feel you. Sounds like it’s time to sit down with dad and make a new plan for putting toddler to bed.

I breastfed my extremely energetic toddler until around 2.3 years. She’s always been a horrible sleeper. Waking up constantly and the smallest nap would re-energize her for the next 6 hours. We also co-sleep.

I weaned her and guess what, she was still a horrible sleeper and extremely energetic. Then one day she started skipping her nap and that led to her being so tired at night bedtime would take 20 mins from start of routine to sleep and she would sleep through the night 🤷🏻‍♀️.

However, I completely understand the frustration around bedtime. It got to a point where it was extremely triggering for me because I felt like my husband and I couldn’t spend a little uninterrupted time together, intimate time together, I couldn’t unwind in the evening, have people over and just sit with them without being called into the room to put her back to sleep every hour.

So it sounds like the routine you guys have right now is not actually working for your family. You need to sit down and discuss a new game plan, get on board a bedtime routine with its dos and donts, and address the lack of intimacy with a possible solution.
 
@arrowzahns I don’t even know what to tell you because I’m still being told that my 5 yr old and 3 yr old act the way they do because I breastfed them for extended periods of time (son was almost 4 and youngest was 3 when we stopped). All I can think is if you are so much better at this shit, dad, then get the fuck up and help so I don’t have to use my tit to satisfy the baby every second. Idk, it pisses me off for you
 
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