Everyone blames my daughter’s behavior on extended breastfeeding and I’m f*ing sick of it

arrowzahns

New member
Just for some background info: I have a not quite 2yo daughter as well as 2 teenagers who are actually my stepchildren. I work a part-time job where I sometimes don’t get home until very late and my husband is a SAHP. Right now my husband is also paying 99% of our bills (he’s got disability from the VA) as well as looking after the house and the kids when I’m at work. Also, our house is being remodeled so the baby is in our room in a toddler bed. These details are important.

So the baby hasn’t been a great sleeper since she was a newborn. She also has the energy level of husky that hasn’t been run in days. She usually takes one nap a day and will be wired for about 5 hours afterwards, so obviously we try not to let her nap late. I’m better with consistency than my husband and want her on a routine, but with my job we can’t guarantee that. I make the routine the same, but the times change depending on when I am home. For awhile I was doing great at getting her in bed by 9:00 on my nights off. I would turn off every light in the room except her nightlight and rub her back or nurse her to sleep. She still would take at least an hour to go down most nights and would wake up an hour or two later. Nursing her was the only way to calm her down. 9 times out of 10 she would end up in our bed. Whether out of laziness or tiredness or whatever it was, my husband wouldn’t get her to bed when I had to work late. He claimed that they try but that she just waits up for me anyway. And I get that he has a million things on his plate and that bedtime is stressful, but since it’s really hard to have any intimacy (which he complains about all the time) I suggested he at least get her in pajamas and get her teeth brushed and so on, so that when I get home I only have to read to her and put her to sleep. Then husband and I can spend time together. I remind him that overly tired kids often act rambunctious and he always tells me that’s not true.

We never intended on co-sleeping (I feel like most parents who co-sleep say the same thing). It sucks, but it was helping our sanity. Or so I thought. It’s hard to get comfortable with her in bed. Husband has bad dreams and has to take insomnia meds and having her crying every couple of hours doesn’t help.

Yesterday my husband and I were hoping to have sex. I got the baby ready for bed pretty early, but despite an early nap she was WIRED. I laid next to her toddler bed for the better part of two hours while my husband decides to lay on the bed and have every lamp on and play loudly on his iPad. This is part of the problem, he will turn the tv on or have his iPad or phone out and then get mad that she won’t go right to sleep. We are trying to ween her from night feeds (not going so well) so I only nursed her a little bit.

Husband goes into a rage and says this is all my fault that she won’t sleep and telling me that I need to quit breastfeeding. He even goes so far as to threaten to put her in the room by herself to cry it out if she tries to nurse to sleep. He says his other two kids have never acted like this implying that it’s me.

I tell her that I finally got her to sleep and he says he doesn’t want sex anymore. Fine, it’s not exactly a turn on to be yelled at anyway. Every time we can’t have sex it’s somehow my fault for breastfeeding. Even though my husband fights me on the bedtime routine and fights me on having consistent bedtimes and a quiet dark room for her to sleep in. Got it.

Even at work my coworkers tell me that the reason she doesn’t sleep is “she needs to get off the titty.” Maybe everyone is right and that’s a big part of why she doesn’t sleep well but I just feel like everyone can go screw themselves.

ETA: After I got her to sleep husband decided to skip his insomnia meds and pout/play on his iPad until 4am…he’s going to be so cranky when he finally wakes up today. And I woke up sick but I guess go fuck myself, right?
 
@arrowzahns So wait, while getting the kid to sleep he stays in the room with you, keeps the lights on, and has the sound on his phone up while he goofs around playing clash of clans or whatever?

So he's making the room the toddler is trying to sleep in noisy and bright? What an idiot.

AND he refuses to treat the sleep schedule as important? Double idiot.

You're fighting a bedtime battle on two fronts!

Oy
 
@katrina2017 Yeah. Make it make sense.

He doesn’t do it every night but even doing it every once in awhile would be disruptive of the routine I am trying to uphold. He does it a few nights a week. And he tells me I’m on my phone too much…I make it a point to hide my phone when I am trying to get her to sleep.
 
@arrowzahns Are you communicating with him that he can’t be in the room loudly on his iPad while you put the kid to bed? Men are dumb; he needs literal instructions on how to exist and be courteous.
 
@arrowzahns Um that last comment I would reply "well good! There isn't a fussy tired toddler in the living room, and since you want our kid to sleep soon, the living room sounds like exactly where you should fucking be with your loud lights on bullshit!!"

Like seriously??? He is being a major fucking moron in those situations.

For real, I do NOT wonder why this idiot has insomnia.
 
@arrowzahns Oof, yeah. You can’t control how someone reacts, but it is within your right to make that simple request. I know it’s easy to say nothing and simmer, but he needs to know what you need. Least of all as a display of your own ‘efforts’ around bedtime :)
 
@arrowzahns My husband is also a Vet, with VA disability, insomnia, PTSD, a host of medical issues and whatnot.

I worked 3rd shift for almost 6 years when he got out, while he was in school, while he was doing internships/clinicals etc. We had 2 babies in that time period.

You know what he did? He got god tier level involved (as it should be fwiw). He did bedtime routines and nap routines, he did food routines and library routines. He would cradle me cradling the babies so that his smell became important to the night time routines because I nursed them to sleep. He knew if they got riled up by sounds or lights within an hour of bedtime, all bets were off and that it was his own fault.

He would use a blanket I use so that the baby could fall asleep without me but side by side with his own smell and voice. He sing to them and keeps them calm. They all put jammies on together and brushed hair and teeth together. He knows routine and remaining calm is the most effective. His stress makes them stressed.

Even on nights I was home when I did the routines, it didn't jamb up progress because it was a united front. And my husband has never said once that breastfeeding is an issue. Ever. Because it isn't. They are using that as a scapegoat to place blame for their own lack of effort into a sustainable routine.

When the routine is upset and the babies/toddlers are upset, he knows what to do and how to proceed on his own. He doesn't blame secondary actions for a misstep. He can get our breastfed babies and toddlers to sleep without issue because he is an active participant and partner and parent.

My 4yo is high af energy and probably the same child as your near 2yo, it can be done by him if he chooses to be a better partner and parent. He wants sex, so actively help in making that happen by being a supporting cast member and shutting off the lights, electronics, grunts, groans and yelling. The breastfeeding isn't the issue. He is the issue. And your co-workers, tell them to mind their own titties and children. You aren't even in extended territory until 4yo so like they need to mind they mfing business.

Tell him to put up or shut up.
 
@smithy60 Your husband sounds like mine (in terms of
medical and such) if mine weren’t so freaking clueless sometimes.

Actually tonight he got her to sleep so I could shower with a glass of wine. So, progress 👍🏻

When I work he truly does it all and then some so I do feel bad, but sleep is a huge thing. I don’t need him to do the full sleep routine, I just need him to comply/have my back.

Sounds like you have an awesome hubby ❤️
 
@arrowzahns Oh yeah, couldn't possibly the bright as the ass crack of dawn room, the TV blaring random bullshit, his iPad making random noises as they do while your baby is meant to be falling asleep in the same room... Nope. Must be the titty that's causing it.

Like, who the fuck even thinks like this-?! If he goes to lay down somewhere (with his insomniac ass) intending to sleep and someone comes into the room, turns on all the lights, the TV on full volume and starts fucking around on their device, is HE going to be able to quickly and readily fall asleep?!!!

I'm guessing not.

Why in the name of all the fucks does he think his young toddler would be able to do this then?

You don't have a titty problem, you have a husband problem.

(Also, since you said military, just wanted to add that just because he might have once been able to conk out on any vaguely flat surface regardless of light or noise levels does NOT mean others -even those without insomnia- normally can. THAT'S NOT HOW KIDS WORK!)

ETA autocorrect and a word
 
@missjojo Yeah I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that my husband isn’t an ass lol He’s a great dad and he does so much for our family, but he’s still an ass. And in this instance, he’s not being a good dad or husband because he’s directly interfering with almost everything that could possibly be fixing the sleep (and therefore lack of intimacy) problem. And what kills me is my coworkers (and even some of my family members) taking his side.

No snark on people who can’t or didn’t want to nurse, but those are the people telling me he’s right. I tell them I can’t just quit cold turkey, I can end up with clogged ducts or mastitis and they just roll their eyes.
 
@arrowzahns
No snark on people who can’t or didn’t want to nurse, but those are the people telling me he’s right. I tell them I can’t just quit cold turkey, I can end up with clogged ducts or mastitis and they just roll their eyes.

I was unable to nurse, but I know these things are true. Also, I don't think 2 yo is too old to nurse? Maybe I hang out with ultra-crunchy people, but a lot of moms I know nurse until 3-4 yo if possible. I def don't consider 2 yo to be "extended breastfeeding" but maybe there's an official definition for it. But agreed about the disruptions to bedtime routines; it's disrespectful to you AND your daughter to not create a comfortable environment to fall asleep, which means low lights, quiet, and maybe a boob. Jeez.
 
@inthemissouri My pediatrician gave us advice for the sleeping and she called it extended nursing after the age of 1 so I assumed, but I don’t know if that’s universal!

I don’t get it when people tell me she’s too old, she can’t talk yet or use the potty and she’s still a fking baby! It’s like they’re telling me to ship her off to boarding school or something lol
 
@arrowzahns Yeah when I read "extended breastfeeding" in your title, I assumed your kid was 4 or older. I've never heard breastfeeding a 1yo referred to as extended. Just for what that tidbit is worth. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding to 2y and beyond.
 
@arrowzahns The AAP recommends that mothers breastfeed until AT LEAST 2! Don’t listen to the people telling you to stop nursing. I’m so fucking tired of this messaging that moms get. It’s rooted in the patriarchy and some post WW2 era BS medical advice that was created by old white men who never had to care for a baby or child in their life. Fuck this noise, mama.
 
@arrowzahns Yeah.. NGL, my boys nursed till ~2.5-3ish (basically the older weaned within a few months of his older brother being born who's almost exactly 2.5 yrs younger than him), and the younger weaned... IDK, somewhere ~3.5-4ish.

Barely 2?? That's not 'extended breastfeeding' no matter *how* you cut it. And your husbands an asshole. HE is keeping kiddo up late. FFS.
 
@arrowzahns I used a haakaa to hand express to gently stop nursing and switched my milk monster to a sippy cup of water. I found he liked ice water more than just tap cool, so that’s what he got for settling at bedtime. We’re down to tap cool now, a few months out.
 
@arrowzahns My kid had sleep issues until she was three and I never breast fed at all so... there goes that theory.

It's so hard when they still sort of need a nap so they're cranky if they don't get it but they're wired if they do. And yes, over-tired kids act up and get a little wild. Over-tired doesn't just look like sleepy. And how he expects a kid to get to sleep with lights, tv, and an ipad, I can't imagine. Breastfeeding would be the least of her issues.
 
@arrowzahns God this makes me so mad and I only breast fed for six weeks. You should nurture your child and ignore your husband’s rants. Good lord. Them getting sex is always the most important thing.
 
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