My(23 M) fiancé (29 F) refuses to sleep train our 16 month old daughter who has always been a horrible sleeper. We have fought for months on what to do and came to 0 conclusions She wakes typically every 1-2 hours but when she is teething it can be as short as 15 minute intervals. My fiancé doesn’t work and I work 60-70 hours a week she is the primary parent and has co slept with her for the last 13 months so she feels she has all the power in these matters i spend every night from 8-11pm rocking soothing watching the monitor and wake up at 5am to help her get some rest before I leave for work in the Morning. I’m done I can’t do this anymore she thinks I’m a monster for wanting to let our daughter cry but it’s ruined our life. as if having a kid wasn’t change enough We also moved 500 miles away from my family to be closer to hers and we get no help from family or friends in this area I’m at a loss and see no way out of this hell. Any advise on what I should do would be great
Don’t know what to do
- Thread starter mool
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@mool First, take a breath. There's nothing like having a kid with sleep issues to make you understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It's absolutely awful, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with it.
It's hard to know where to start with advice here. I can only assume you've done a lot of research at this point on how to build a healthy sleep routine and encourage good habits (I know I was desperately seeking any crumb of information that could be the key when I was in the thick of it). I don't want to suggest something too remedial that you've already tried. A few good basics: Don't be afraid to try moving bedtime earlier (if 8 pm is the start of bedtime it could be a bit on the late side), do everything you can to get good naps during the day (good day time sleep encourages good night time sleep), make sure the last nap of the day isn't too far before bedtime (moving bedtime earlier can help with this, but being over tired can really exacerbate sleep problems), make the distinction between day and night very clear (lower the lights when you're winding down for bed, use blackout curtains, etc.).
You may want to consider a sleep consultant. A lot of them operate remotely, even more so since the pandemic, so you can really shop around for someone who seems like a good fit. You should be able to do a phone interview before hiring them to feel things out. It's a lot more affordable than I thought it was. It was nice to be able to troubleshoot our specific issues with someone with a lot of experience in this particular area.
The issue of sleep training is very polarizing, and I understand both sides of it. A consultant can help sort through options and strategies you can try that you're both comfortable with.
Wishing you the best of luck.
It's hard to know where to start with advice here. I can only assume you've done a lot of research at this point on how to build a healthy sleep routine and encourage good habits (I know I was desperately seeking any crumb of information that could be the key when I was in the thick of it). I don't want to suggest something too remedial that you've already tried. A few good basics: Don't be afraid to try moving bedtime earlier (if 8 pm is the start of bedtime it could be a bit on the late side), do everything you can to get good naps during the day (good day time sleep encourages good night time sleep), make sure the last nap of the day isn't too far before bedtime (moving bedtime earlier can help with this, but being over tired can really exacerbate sleep problems), make the distinction between day and night very clear (lower the lights when you're winding down for bed, use blackout curtains, etc.).
You may want to consider a sleep consultant. A lot of them operate remotely, even more so since the pandemic, so you can really shop around for someone who seems like a good fit. You should be able to do a phone interview before hiring them to feel things out. It's a lot more affordable than I thought it was. It was nice to be able to troubleshoot our specific issues with someone with a lot of experience in this particular area.
The issue of sleep training is very polarizing, and I understand both sides of it. A consultant can help sort through options and strategies you can try that you're both comfortable with.
Wishing you the best of luck.
pilgrimonanotherway
New member
@madea945 I think this is really good advice.
I sense that a lot of the frustration in this case might be because the parents view the situation differently - that's a really tough situation. He would like to try to improve the sleep situation (which does sound pretty awful) and she would prefer to co-sleep and perhaps carry on with the status quo....am I reading this correctly, OP? It's a tough one, especially since she's the one nursing, etc.
Calling in a sleep consultant might be best bet, as perhaps they can provide some objective advice.
I am hesitant to provide advice also, OP, as I suspect it would be hard to implement if you and the mother are on different pages with this issue. But I send my sympathy and hope you can find someone to help improve things. It really helps to be on the same page as the other parent, ultimately. You're probably feeling both exhausted and resentful.
I sense that a lot of the frustration in this case might be because the parents view the situation differently - that's a really tough situation. He would like to try to improve the sleep situation (which does sound pretty awful) and she would prefer to co-sleep and perhaps carry on with the status quo....am I reading this correctly, OP? It's a tough one, especially since she's the one nursing, etc.
Calling in a sleep consultant might be best bet, as perhaps they can provide some objective advice.
I am hesitant to provide advice also, OP, as I suspect it would be hard to implement if you and the mother are on different pages with this issue. But I send my sympathy and hope you can find someone to help improve things. It really helps to be on the same page as the other parent, ultimately. You're probably feeling both exhausted and resentful.
@pilgrimonanotherway Yes exactly she doesn’t know what to do we’ve tried everything except letting her cry and is resigned to thinking she’ll just grow out of it. The resentment went away a while ago it’s just hopelessness at this point. And we hired a sleep consultant and they told us to let her cry and that was the point where she no longer would listen it’s a complicated issue and it has gotten better if you can believe that she use to never sleep longer that 30 minutes at a time and we split the nights for the first 6 months but I guess she thinkings 1-2 hours is manageable enough at this point.but thank you for the support it’s appreciated
pilgrimonanotherway
New member
@mool I'm so sorry - it sounds really hard. No one can function well on such little sleep.
It's hard to force a change of thinking on your fiance - if she would be open to speaking to another consultant or a counsellor, maybe that would help?
All kids are different, so it's hard to have fixed rules about these things, but most kids will be able to sleep for long stretches within a few weeks/months. Some struggle more, or there can be blips with teething, etc.
I've had two children - both were 'good sleepers', but we did do things to encourage that, for sure. My husband and I would usually decide on a period of time that we would wait, if they were crying - say 10 mins. It's what my grandmother did with her kids, so I went with it
I wouldn't have just left them to cry for hours, personally, but we definitely allowed for crying-time to let them settle down.
Honestly, 8/10 times they settled themselves to sleep. The other times, there was maybe a dirty diaper or something that needed attending to. But allowing them to self-soothe really helps them learn to sleep comfortably for longer stretches, which is actually better for both you and them. If the baby is waking every 2 hours and is getting nursed/rocked immediately every time, they do get used to that schedule, unfortunately. So it just makes it harder to break the cycle.
I know she is co-sleeping -- and that too is a point that people have strong feelings about. We didn't do it (apart from some nights when they were newborns where I was super tired and they were nursing a ton). But having them in their own quiet area also seemed to help them sleep solidly.
Anyway, I realize all that won't really help if your partner isn't in agreement. Maybe tell her that you are struggling and would like to consult another expert -- see if she would be willing to try another approach? Maybe they can reassure her that the baby won't suffer from crying now and then.
It's hard to force a change of thinking on your fiance - if she would be open to speaking to another consultant or a counsellor, maybe that would help?
All kids are different, so it's hard to have fixed rules about these things, but most kids will be able to sleep for long stretches within a few weeks/months. Some struggle more, or there can be blips with teething, etc.
I've had two children - both were 'good sleepers', but we did do things to encourage that, for sure. My husband and I would usually decide on a period of time that we would wait, if they were crying - say 10 mins. It's what my grandmother did with her kids, so I went with it
I wouldn't have just left them to cry for hours, personally, but we definitely allowed for crying-time to let them settle down.Honestly, 8/10 times they settled themselves to sleep. The other times, there was maybe a dirty diaper or something that needed attending to. But allowing them to self-soothe really helps them learn to sleep comfortably for longer stretches, which is actually better for both you and them. If the baby is waking every 2 hours and is getting nursed/rocked immediately every time, they do get used to that schedule, unfortunately. So it just makes it harder to break the cycle.
I know she is co-sleeping -- and that too is a point that people have strong feelings about. We didn't do it (apart from some nights when they were newborns where I was super tired and they were nursing a ton). But having them in their own quiet area also seemed to help them sleep solidly.
Anyway, I realize all that won't really help if your partner isn't in agreement. Maybe tell her that you are struggling and would like to consult another expert -- see if she would be willing to try another approach? Maybe they can reassure her that the baby won't suffer from crying now and then.
@madea945 She goes to bed at 6:30 I just don’t get home until around 7. We tried a sleep consultant but they suggested we let her cry after just a few days of working with them and then my fiancé shut off to the idea of them helping. And napping during the day is part of the problem as well she only naps once for one hour and will not do anymore than that and sometimes less she is relentless when she doesn’t want to sleep and she’s a massive toddler already over 30 pounds and is very mobile and will kick and bite her way out of our arms if she doesn’t want to sleep our doctors are no help either they say she’s perfectly healthy and she’s just “spirited”.
bornagainbabyinchrist
New member
@mool Oh I've been where you are now! The worst part is not being on the same page. I was not willing to sleep train and my husband had had enough of the terrible nights. We then changed the routine so that he gets her ready for bed, we both get her down and then she's my responsibility till the morning. He will sometimes get up with her so that I can have a lie but that's it. It sounds strange but it works really well for us as we both get what we want.
@mool Hi
I totally understand the exhaustion that comes with having a wakeful baby/ toddler. I thought I’d share what we do in case it helps at all. Our little one is 15 months old.
Half 6 sounds very early for bedtime to me, could your little one not be tired enough for bed by then? That may make her wake up early too if so. I’d try pushing bedtime later.
To do this, I’d try totally following her cues for a while. If she doesn’t seem tired, let her stay up and play until she does. You’ll soon work out when her bedtime should be (it may be 6.30!). I realised that I could end up spending hours trying to get mine to go to sleep at a time I had set for bedtime, and it’s so much easier now using that time to chill out with him playing: reading etc until he is definitely ready for bed.
Here is what our day roughly looks like (it varies, sometimes a lot, day to day)
Wake around 7.30ish
Nap for around an hour or two at 12ish
Start getting ready for bed at 7.30ish
Asleep for 8ish
He wakes up fairly often during the night for comfort but that is really is very normal for such a young child no matter what sleep consultants say - your child proves this too!
Every baby is different so but I would advise following her lead for a while and see where that gets you. It might be that putting her to bed later and waking up a bit later means you all feel more rested, even if she is waking up in the night still.
Wishing you the best from a fellow co-sleeping/ anti-sleep training toddler mum.
I totally understand the exhaustion that comes with having a wakeful baby/ toddler. I thought I’d share what we do in case it helps at all. Our little one is 15 months old.
Half 6 sounds very early for bedtime to me, could your little one not be tired enough for bed by then? That may make her wake up early too if so. I’d try pushing bedtime later.
To do this, I’d try totally following her cues for a while. If she doesn’t seem tired, let her stay up and play until she does. You’ll soon work out when her bedtime should be (it may be 6.30!). I realised that I could end up spending hours trying to get mine to go to sleep at a time I had set for bedtime, and it’s so much easier now using that time to chill out with him playing: reading etc until he is definitely ready for bed.
Here is what our day roughly looks like (it varies, sometimes a lot, day to day)
Wake around 7.30ish
Nap for around an hour or two at 12ish
Start getting ready for bed at 7.30ish
Asleep for 8ish
He wakes up fairly often during the night for comfort but that is really is very normal for such a young child no matter what sleep consultants say - your child proves this too!
Every baby is different so but I would advise following her lead for a while and see where that gets you. It might be that putting her to bed later and waking up a bit later means you all feel more rested, even if she is waking up in the night still.
Wishing you the best from a fellow co-sleeping/ anti-sleep training toddler mum.
edward1690
New member
@edward1690 Agreed! Mum of two and never let them cry it out. It’s awful and cruel. OP needs to take some night duties instead of placing all blame on the mum.
catholic777
New member
@mool No easy answers to be sure, but sounds to me like therapy for the two of you is one thing that might be worth trying. I would want to understand what is underlying your fiancé’s refusal to try sleep training. First guess would be some form of insecurity about being a good mother, though that could be compounded by any number of other issues.
And regardless of the cause, given the situation you could certainly use an outlet and a safe place to work through things.
And regardless of the cause, given the situation you could certainly use an outlet and a safe place to work through things.
@catholic777 As a mother myself, the cry it out method is widely not recommended and seen as cruel. I don’t see it as the mum having any underlying feelings of insecurity about being a good mum, I see it as a mother not wanting to sit back and let their child cry and receive no comfort from their safe person.
catholic777
New member
@shoes “Cry it out” can mean many things, from neglect on one end to enabling a baby to learn they are ok and can be content without constant external comfort on the other. My wife and I waited until we were ready to try it based on when we felt our baby was ready for it. It literally worked overnight. Where previously he was cranky almost all of the time, after just one day he was happier and after the second day he was finally on a regular sleep and nap schedule and was more engaging and playful.
Every child is different and parents need to judge whether and which, if any, form of sleep training is appropriate for their child’s needs. My experience has been that those who say that sleep training is cruel are not being open to others’ experiences and the diversity of needs of children. The mother in this case is outright rejecting the possibility of sleep training being helpful to her child in circumstances that sound like they merit the attempt from what the father has told us, and supported by the consultant.
Every child is different and parents need to judge whether and which, if any, form of sleep training is appropriate for their child’s needs. My experience has been that those who say that sleep training is cruel are not being open to others’ experiences and the diversity of needs of children. The mother in this case is outright rejecting the possibility of sleep training being helpful to her child in circumstances that sound like they merit the attempt from what the father has told us, and supported by the consultant.
@mool Is it possible for you and your partner to sleep apart for a while? I know of some families who put a mattress on the floor of their child’s room and one parent sleeps in there until kiddo gets better at sleeping. The mattress is low enough that they won’t get hurt getting out of the bed and it gets them used to sleeping in their own space. Once they start sleeping longer stretches, some leave them in there alone and put a gate on the door so they stay in there if they wake up. It doesn’t mean that they just ignore the child if they wake up, but it reinforces the idea that they need to stay in their space during the night.