Does anyone else’s working spouse do this? I swear it’s cognitive dissonance

[juju123]

@ajewelinhiscrown I think it might be time to assign her dish duty for a week and do your usual amount of cooking.

 

[wvc]

@ajewelinhiscrown It sounds more like manipulation and gas lighting than cognitive dissonance. CD is more so the internal tension (eg anxiety) that builds when your own actions go against your beliefs. Such as lying when you believe lying is wrong. Which brings on anxiety and guilt. Therefore you have a choice, change the behavior or create a series of reasoning for why it’s ok that you lie. Etc.
I agree with the above statements from some: that your spouse is being reactive and controlling. Sounds like she is expelling her own shit at you, for lack of a better way to say it, perhaps past trauma. It’s easier for her to criticizing than it is for her to be reasonable and solution focused and she needs to manage that.

 

[planter]

@ajewelinhiscrown No. Why are you always in the kitchen? “Because you never are.” Why don’t you ever do the dishes? “Do you ever do the dishes?” This is bananas.

 

[iambatman11]

@ajewelinhiscrown I'm a working parent and want to give some context just to help. My partner is a SAHD.

When I'm working all day and come home to food mess in every room, laundry not done, the kitchen half-cleaned it is utterly overwhelming. It's like a smack to the face. I want to start cleaning immediately.

However on a day when I spend all day with the kids at home, I live amongst the mess and chaos and it bothers me less.

I don't know why this is. Maybe because I saw the mess get made it bothers me less because I was focusing on the joy/learning/fun in the moment.

But for the most part I come home to chaos and it's really hard to not find it overwhelming.

You're partner isn't "right" but I can understand the misunderstandings just simply due to a lack of context.

 

[string_theory]

@iambatman11 That’s such a good point about becoming blind to the mess when you live in it. I have ADHD and, in my mind, the task of making the food is completely separate from the task of cleaning up after. I don’t really clock the mess until my brain announces it is clean up time, and then it’s suddenly obvious and unbearable to me. But when I’ve been at work all day and come home, the mess is one of the first things I notice. I have to make the effort to look past it and focus on first thanking my husband for keeping the kids alive all day.

 

[megan89]

@ajewelinhiscrown She’s probably not actually upset about the dishes, it’s some other aspect in her life. Talk to her.