@dennisbon I was adamant that my kid would keep playing rec soccer, that we didn't need to go the travel sport route. I love sports, and my son wanted to play everything. But what I ran into was that by the time he hit third grade, at least for soccer, everyone switched to travel teams and all that was left was one rec team that was very, very sub-par. It was just awful. He played the one season (since we'd signed up for it) and then we moved to an excellent travel team. It was a good experience overall, but tons of money and a bit ridiculous in some ways. If everyone would just keep playing rec like they do when they're young, I would have been happy, and I think my son would have been, too. If you have a decent rec program, go for it.
@morningstarstillsmiling I was worried about this. So far (3rd grade) his rec team that started immediately after travel is surprisingly great. It helps that a lot of the same kids are on this team from travel. I’m thinking this time of year lots of families will have their travel kids in fall soccer. It would be great if he could still be competitive.
@dennisbon I have kids who are 5 and 2 and I don’t like the idea of any competitive activity until they are much older. A coworker who has 2 kids allows them 2 activities each at a time- one physical activity and one non physical activity like scouts or piano lessons, and I think that’s an interesting and useful approach.
@dennisbon I absolutely prioritize good family groove and enough down time before activities. We are kind of homebodies so I know our limit is lower than a lot of families. I also know we spend a lot more time as a family as a result and it's great. My husband and I also prioritize exercise for the adults. My kids do 2 activities each (luckily they are the same activities right now but not a requirement), one is just an hour a week and the other is a bit more. If things feel too full, we cut back. Everything is a compromise. We don't sacrifice the entire family groove for one person's passion though.
@rockdrik I feel like kindred spirits here. Right now it’s definitely the case that SO, I, and daughter are all living our lives around son’s soccer. We don’t have a whole lot of flexibility or spare $ to go around to ease other burdens.
It’s tough, because the only parents I really interact with are the ones from competitive soccer. So I feel like my bar is raised to theirs. Anecdotally I also hear them talking about making offers on $600,000 houses, nannies, teaching college courses, or their husband finishing his residency last year. I’m not trying to judge from the surface level things I know about them, it’s tough either way. But we’re definitely at the lower/lowest income bracket in the school district and we’re both establishing new careers. I’m not bitter about having less, we’ll get there! Everybody just wants what’s best for their kids though. But trying to operate on fumes doesn’t help anybody.
@dennisbon One thing to try is to engage your kiddo in problem solving. It forces you to articulate what boundaries you feel are being stretched and gets them thinking about which aspects of the passion they care most about. Then maybe there's a way to work it that meets all the wants/needs at least partly? I do find that when I lay out for my kids why we make decision x or y or prioritize z they generally don't mind, especially if they see us trying to compromise. It's a good way to model values and decision making.
But yes, it's a lot easier when at least someone else in your village is like-minded. For your kiddo too. I hope you can find a few of those! They're definitely around.
@rockdrik Definitely! I think something I could improve on is getting to know more parents who like doing YMCA swimming. Or maybe somebody with a likeminded 8 YO who wants to recreationally lift weights? I do think that the physical activity+ challenge+ social aspect is what’s important to him. I would totally be cool with offering him 3 physical activity days/week when soccer isn’t in session and 1 extra when rec is in session. And making a point of inviting friends regularly. Flexibility to plan it around our family’s evening routine rather than plan our family routine around soccer makes all the difference.
He loves the roller rink by our house. That would be another alternative that we could fit in more easily. I’ve been looking at local whitewater rafting places too because he’s such an adrenaline junkie. I’m totally willing to incorporate a lot of time into physical activity. Just not so much SCHEDULED activity. The Y was so easy. If one kid didn’t want to go I could just wait until after dinner when dad was home. We could go any time from 3-7. Sometimes we rain checked- no biggie. It’ll still be there tomorrow.
Be careful of the impact to your daughter. My parents prioritized my sister's competitive dance throughout our childhood. I basically lived at a dance studio and spent a lot of my time watching competitions. I resented the hell out of my parents for a long time, and my sister too, for dragging me all over for her dance. I wish it'd been more equal growing up.
@beorh I’m really sorry to hear that! We’re definitely doing our best to keep things fair and easier on her. When competition was in session and dad was still doing drop offs, I’d have him drop her off at my office before 5:00 games. I couldn’t be home before they had to leave. That way she only had to spend 30 minutes letting me wrap up/driving rather than an hour and 45 tagging along. We make a point of taking on her on little outings while we can or offering to only go to 1/2 games on tournament weekends.
With all of this great discussion I settled on toning this down to rec until they’re at least 10/12. They can do camps and other activities. But 3-4 nights for 1 kid is already harming our balance. 2 kids at that level? Forget it! Hopefully by time we’re ready to revisit we have more flexible work schedules and an easier to maintain home closer to these games.
@sarukan65 Thank you. Sometimes during rec only days it felt like a marathon. I’m missing those days. Right now it feels like clean house, alone time, or family time. Pick one.
@dennisbon Emily Oster's book The Family Firm addresses this if you're interested in reading. Basically the advice is to establish priorities for the family and talk about things beforehand, bc it's very easy to slip into just saying yes to things that sound good in the moment. Oh yes, soccer, cool, let's do it. Oh, of course we want to go to the neighbor's birthday party. Sure, of course you can sign up for the school play. Then all of a sudden you're running ragged and don't know how you got there.
So you decide what the priorities are beforehand. If cooking a homemade meal and eating at home is a high priority, then the soccer (or whatever) may have to be a no. Or if your family decides athletics are a priority, then you may have to give a little on other things.
And short answer is, no, I don't think it's the end of the world if you take your 8 y/o out of the competition league. I think kids competitive sports these days is getting ridiculous and a bit of a racket in many situations.
@lukechester Yeah I'm not at grade school yet, but this also came up in Bringing Up Bebe where the author found the French parents just don't do extracurricular activities like this and the families are much less stressed than the American ones she knows.
I'm sort of surprised to see the 'it's worth running your family ragged to achieve the 'dreams' of your 8 year old comments' in this thread. Surely it's a balance and you have to say no if your family can't handle it?
As I've gotten older, I've also adjusted my definition of "handling it" from "technically there are enough hours in the day" to "everyone is (on average) happy". To me that means, we're sleeping, we have downtime to recharge, and we're not stressed with the mental management of everything we've committed to. It's ok to go beyond that for a week or two but not months on end.
@tuhermano I am SO here for this. Don’t get me wrong, we love our 1:1 time. But 2 years ago when we were having some adjustment periods reading about French parenting inspired me to encourage independent play. One of the best things I ever did. It wasn’t shoving away a needy kid, it was teaching them to self-entertain and independently deal with boredom. I still can’t help but smile every time I see them go and grab art supplies or a Lego set without a word and just enjoy themselves.
Usually it’s when I’m cooking or cleaning and I see the wheels spinning. “I could ask her to do something but she’s tied up” then immediately to “Ah! I know what would be fun.” You mean we DON’T need to demand undivided attention or a screen every minute? And I’m not mean for saying not now? Huh!
The question really is silly. Duh. Some families can’t accommodate that. Finances, time, 3+ kids with overlapping activities, lack of access to help transport, etc. I was surprised by some of the pro club sports comments. Not a lot seemed to acknowledge that it’s just not feasible for some families or situations. Just make it happen and your kid will be great/happier. If they want to keep going, keep going.
I’m not anti-sports. But I can’t give every other night to sports for one kid at this point in my life. It’s not sustainable for us. Hopefully later if he’s still into it after a couple years of rec/soccer camp/fall soccer.
@tuhermano I think I can offer some (?) perspective here. I was born and raised in Russia, and we also didn’t have this insane extracurricular culture, especially sports, unless you were headed for the Olympics or something. I did the standard Russian girl extracurriculars - English, piano, dance, all once a week. However, when I moved to the US as a high schooler, that casual level of involvement in extracurriculars just wasn’t there. Any sport was like daily practice for a season with weekend games. It was a huge adjustment period, but I totally wish my parents made the time to take me!
The other thing I would say is that, back in my non-US days, I could walk to all of my extracurriculars or tutors came to my house. This I think made a huge difference to my family’s stress levels, since my parents didn’t have to worry about getting me places.
It's all part of the parenting martyrdom that Western parents play into. If you aren't sacrificing your physical, emotional, mental and financial health to optimize your children's potential are you even a good parent?
I see some commenters in here blaming their parents for not supporting them in extracurriculars and that's why they're xyz, which further exacerbates the issue on the parent's side. What if I'm not pushing enough and my kid grows up to resent me and call me unsupportive? What if I push too hard and my kid grows up to resent me for being mean and borderline abusive? You can't win.
The fact is that, barring extreme circumstances, things that happen or don't happen during one's childhood does not have to define them for the rest of their lives. But a parent that is perpetually burnt out and broke, and leaving their relationship to the other parent perpetually in the gutter because of a lack of time? Yeah that might affect the entire family unit for the longer term.
@lukechester I will absolutely read this! Thanks so much for the suggestion. I’m personally a big goal/list/routine person. I like the idea of having ahead of time discussions about the family’s priorities. Especially when the kids are at an age where they can understand trade offs.
@dennisbon That's too much imo. What's wrong with just the school team and playing with friends? I'm not giving my whole life (or 6 mos of the year) to my kids favorite sport.
@benftw The only thing that sucks is it seems like school-based opportunities are often limited these days especially for younger kids? Even the rec league sounds like it requires someone to take the kid to practice, just at least less often.
@dennisbon I put a lot of value in our time together as a family.
I have a friend who, along with her husband, run their two kids to sports-related activities most nights. As a result, their time as a foursome is very limited. They barely eat dinner together. I’m not sure if they ever do dates.
For my kids, they thrive on decompressing after school. They play one sport a season (rec). While I do wish it was more or perhaps longer practices, it’s better than being out of the home driving everywhere 3-5x a week.
I suspect my kids are older than most here. I can tell you that any outdoor play is very beneficial. Sure, they’re not on travel teams, but they’re at home playing football and basketball in our yard. We then go inside and connect over dinner. Then back outside they go before showers.
