Do you all accommodate any kids activity/sport you can? Or do you draw a line even if you COULD make it happen?

[warmtribute]

@dennisbon Sure, your priorities are your priorities, no shade from me. I only answered to give you a perspective from someone who has an elite athlete in the family. I will just say, though, those are YOUR priorities, not necessarily your son’s and there really is no “becoming an elite athlete young.” Doesn’t make you lazy or a bad parent to have different priorities, but statistically by the time he’s 13, unless he’s just a savant, if he hasn’t been playing on competitive teams, he will almost certainly not be eligible for those pre-Olympic training programs I mentioned and will very likely not ever be an elite soccer player. Not that that’s a bad thing! Personally, I detest the idea of being an elite or professional athlete and hate the idea of existing in constant pain from injuries, always on a specific diet, barely any time for books or games… no thanks! But my sibling ate, drank, and breathed their sport growing up and to them, all of those things were (and still are) worth it, not to be at the top (though they are) but just to keep getting more and more skilled at this thing they love so much. Also - not that it’s not impossible to be elite if you only start stepping up at 13, but it is vanishingly unlikely. It’s up to you to determine whether or not that opportunity is worth the sacrifice and commitment. And you’re not wrong, it is a massive commitment for the entire family, particularly for families who are not wealthy (like mine). Little sis will be stuck at all of those events until she’s old enough not to be and may be resentful because of it, you will have WAY less family time, teams and travel are expensive, and if you prefer to be home, that is functionally impossible. For our family, the trade-off always seemed worth it, simply because of the absolute burning, and all-consuming passion and skill the athlete had (and still has) for their sport. Those statistics you mentioned get to where they are because of all that training and sacrifice, and most of them absolutely wouldn’t be at the top if their families hadn’t been willing to do it.

 

[kdr95]

@warmtribute I always wonder about the siblings in those scenarios. What if they had burning passions, too?

 

[dennisbon]

@kdr95 This is a growing fear of mine. That would be WWIII in our house and likely lasting resentment. She deserves her own life and just as much investment as her brother. Whether that’s soccer, art, basketweaving, punk metal, whatever it is. I want to spread attention and energy as equally as possible. I’m not buying one kid a ticket to Disneyland because they really really really want to go and the other doesn’t want it so bad.

 

[warmtribute]

@dennisbon You know, I thought we were having a discussion on this, and that you asked for opinions because you wanted them, so I was honest, straight forward, and non-judgmental. I don’t think it’s wrong or lazy or bad in any way to not have your 8 year old in competitive team sports, and I said so. Then you compared my life and childhood experience to not getting a ticket to Disney. If what you wanted was to talk about how terrible it is to have your kids in competitive sports or rag on folks who value athletics, then why didn’t you just say so? Then I could’ve skipped the thread and gone on my merry way, and you wouldn’t have had to waste time typing about how you “aren’t trying to be judgmental” and then two seconds later typing “ew, sports scholarships” and “your experience is my worst nightmare.” I had, and still have my own life and successes. Maybe you didn’t mean to be judgy - but you were, and it sucks.

 

[nrg23]

@dennisbon My cousins and their children are/were all elite athletes and made time for all of the things you want so it isn’t all or nothing. I’s do it a season and see what they think.

 

[dennisbon]

@nrg23 Every family is different, I guess that’s what I was trying to get at when I said I’m not trying to be judgmental. I’m not trying to imply that competitive/ elite sports families neglect their children! I just don’t have the resources in time, money, or mental bandwidth to balance it all. We tried this season with just one kid in 4 days/week and it felt like something important was constantly a near miss or failure. With more money/flexibility/support we might be able to make it happen in the future.

 

[lugiboss]

@dennisbon My line is one activity per child. My daughter does Girl Scouts. My son doesn’t have anything because he’s not interested.

My daughter wants to do karate and I’m considering adding it because GS isn’t a heavy lift and my son doesn’t want to do anything.

But these families that have no other time because they’re constantly dealing with travel soccer/baseball boggle my mind. The majority of these kids aren’t going to go pro. Is it worth the extra time and stress?

 

[dennisbon]

@lugiboss I really wonder how much extra he’s really getting out of it. Even if all of our stress and money was set aside. Plus with a second kid it’s implied that she would ALSO be able to participate at this level. I know a lot of parents find a community/social life through sports and everybody is a happy camper. But there are so many things we value. Their grandparents are all on the other side of the country. We have always traveled 2-3 weeks combined out of the year. The kids usually stay for a couple weeks each summer. We used to go swimming as a family 2-4 x per week at the Y right next to our house. The kids love it. The oldest oddly likes weight machines too, so sometimes he goes with dad to do that. Snowball fights, game nights, playing with the neighbor kids, going to 30 different parks around town, hiking, beach days, gardening together, cooking together, family dance parties. Our lives are certainly full of enrichment and activity.

I really miss a lot of that. I think the kids were happier and life was way less chaotic for all of us. Everything was less rushed and more free. I had no problem with rec soccer in summer and winter rec indoor soccer.

 

[minmikrub]

@dennisbon I’ve scrolled pretty far and haven’t seen anyone address this yet. Your post/comments are very focused on what travel soccer is making you/your family miss out on and it’s very much based on family centered activities (swimming at the Y,
Playing with neighbor kids, roller skating on Sat night, etc.). Developmentally your kids are still in the phase where they are family/home centered and enjoy and want to spend time as a family unit. Your family’s rhythm/activities sound lovely at this moment and I see why you are committed to it.

Your 8 year old is entering his independence phase where he is increasingly going to want to establish relationships outside of the home/neighborhood - on Saturday night he’s going to want to go to the movies with friends from school, on Sunday afternoon he’s going to want to meet his friends to play frisbee in the park, etc.

So one thing to think about is if this is really about soccer itself or if it is about your 8 year old slowly starting to grow out of the family togetherness (which is developmentally appropriate).

In 2-3 years your family rhythm is going to look very different most likely. I understand why you want to hold on to your current system which is amazing, but regardless of travel soccer, as your kids develop friends and interests outside the home you should consider adjusting your expectations and how you will update your family rhythm to maintain family time and also allow your kids to spend and increasing amount of time outside the home.

Maybe the answer is you won’t do that, and you’re going to put rules in place to maintain your current rhythm to high school. I understand that you are a homebody, but if your kids turn out to not be
(which is ok) keeping them home will be a recipe for resentment on all sides.

To be clear, I’m not sharing you should do travel soccer (although I think that could be made easier with carpooling) but it’s just something long term to consider.

 

[dennisbon]

@minmikrub This is so thoughtfully phrases! I absolutely have no desire to force him to stay young and lock him up forever. I am SO glad he’s developing hobbies, interests, and friends. There’s a little ping of “omg, it’s happening!” But I have no desire to force him to spend time with us as a family instead of developing his own interests and personalities.

The main issues right now are the logistics and the fact that he wants more family time. He loves the soccer/competition. But he’s crying and saying he doesn’t feel special anymore because we have to say no to board game night, the roller rink, and a family movie 3 days in a row. We comfort him, tell him we would LOVE to do all of those things, and tell him it’s because soccer keeps us all so busy we keep running out of time. Like we need to cook meals and clean. We need our own sanity time. Not that I’m shoving him off. But when we drop them off, go to work, pick them up, do homework, eat a quick dinner, go to soccer, then come home at 7 I feel like I’ve been going since 5:45 am- 7 pm.. because I have. Even when I can say the dishes can wait I need at least a 1/2 hour to breathe and not go on an expeditionZ

 

[clayton2018]

@dennisbon We did one sport a season(diving, basketball, baseball, soccer) and they both played comp soccer. It takes a lot especially since one or two weekends a month we would split depending on tournament locations. As my kids are now older, they state the comp soccer was some of their best memories.

 

[versaowner]

@dennisbon We try to balance the schedule so that they get to do the extra curriculars they’re interested in, but not so much that it is overwhelming for them or us. Sometimes it feels like multiple classes are fine with our schedule, and sometimes it feels like just one is more than enough. If my kids got super into a sport and wanted to play in a club like that, I’m sure we’d figure it out, but I wouldn’t push them to do it if they were happy with something more casual. How do your kids feel about the schedule?

 

[dennisbon]

@versaowner They love the competition, hate the schedule. I really think I settled on I’m not able to do this right now and be the parent I want to be. Maybe the tides will shift later on. But it’s turning into a can’t. Other important areas are suffering despite us giving this our all.

 

[katrina2017]

@dennisbon It's a lot, but yes if my child was passionate about something I absolutely would commit to it. I would just figure out a way to make it work. We are women, we always do.

Maybe after this round of competitive soccer you can reevaluate. Would kiddo be just as happy back in the rec league? Is there a really big difference in the coaching quality and improvement? You won't really know until you give it a shot.

Also, if this was Dad's idea, maybe he can pull the brunt of the load with running around to practice and games.

 

[dennisbon]

@katrina2017 Oh dad totally did. I let him sit in that one for awhile. I was extremely reluctant. I must be clairvoyant. Instead of a ton of back and forth I said fine, if YOU will be doing the practices and default for the games. He did carry the brunt of it for the first 4 months. Then construction season picked up and we had a sit down where I agreed to take over the last 2 months so he could take a lucrative, intense contract.

I have made it work. But it’s not working, if that makes sense. We’re physically there, doing all of the things. But despite a lot of shuffling it still seems completely unsustainable for us. There are some things I absolutely refuse to compromise on. I will NOT purchase fast food even weekly for the family. That’s like our rare exception to the rule. I will NOT cook food out of a box. We will NOT delay the kids bedtimes and wake up times. Been there, done that, got the tshirt. Even with the same amount of sleep they are trainwrecks without an hour to slowly wake up before we’re out of the house. Negative tone for the whole day. I’ve tried meal prepping. I actually do a lot of batch cooking. But if I only have 3 nights/week and laundry has been piling up, floors need to be done, and the kids are starved for family fun it’s just a nightmare.

 

[themagicman]

@dennisbon My limit right now as littles in one activity a week, there's no way I would find the time for being away from home 3-4nights a week. That would be so draining. Right now the 4yos activity is gymnastics, before it was swimming, before that was soccer (although even than it was 1 practice during the week and games on Saturdays for a few months), then gymnastics before that. If kiddo is going to want to be super into something that needs more practices over the age of 8, we'll reassess and see how the kids do with their passions.

After gymnastics, kiddo has asked about basketball a few times, but he's 4 and also asked to do soccer and once he actually started, he didn't want to do it. The gymnastics teacher is pretty great and affordable since it's at the rec center, so we may just keep doing gymnastics for the foreseeable future.

 

[gigikaren]

@dennisbon My 2 kids do swim lessons twice a week and now one has soccer twice a week as well. I told my husband that is the absolute limit of what I can handle schedule wise. Not sure exactly what we’ll do in the future but even two activities at once per child seems too much for me to handle.

 

[trucker1]

@dennisbon Some of my best memories are playing sports. My parents weren't often involved but they always got us where we needed to go.

Also, like you, I struggle. We have had a rule of 1 sport per session; per child. In reality, sports seasons overlap. Summer camps overlap with spring/fall sports. That currently leads us to doing 3 sports at some times (between 2 children). And the youngest isn't involved yet.

But we are learning. We find rides. We make choices. We find solutions. And we gave up on how it used to look.

There is no 1 right answer. Not all families handle it the same. It's about how much you can handle and prioritization.

 

[fejesusor]

@dennisbon We do travel hockey and it’s the same thing. We fully support it though because our older one is kind of always on the brink of being in trouble, and the hockey commitment keeps him busy and doing something constructive with his time.

 

[jester5510]

@dennisbon We have piano, which is a constant for both kids until they pick a different instrument, and then one sport at a time for each kid.

If you have an athletic child, they will be pushed to join club sports. For my 9 year old, we are refusing to go that route for 3 reasons.

1) I want her to have time for free play, and the time commitment for travel soccer is high.

2) If she is going to become a well rounded athlete, she should try multiple sports at this age. So we stick with rec soccer to make time for tennis and volleyball after the season. Here is a link to the article I read about it. https://www.usyouthsoccer.org/are_kids_specializing_in_sports_too_early/

3) My own sanity. It's too much as a parent to give up your evenings completely.