Dealing with toddler tantrums (2.5 y.o.)

[dfe1971]

I am looking for advice how to deal with my son’s tantrums and perhaps your own personal experience.
I’ve read articles online but I still find it hard not to get angry whenever he gets in that mood.

My son has episodes when he cries and he cannot be reasoned with and doesn’t want to be touched - usually when he is tired or hungry, he finds a thing he cannot have at that moment and starts crying and sometimes hitting me.

What I do is stay next to him, but not very close as he starts hitting me. I try to tell him that he cannot have certain thing (for example go to the playground) now, but we can go tomorrow after he sleeps. He continues to cry for about 20 minutes. The problem is, I cannot help but get really annoyed because I feel helpless - cannot touch him, cannot reason with him. So what I do is to go to another room but that results in more crying. Occasionally I raise my voice and tell him to calm down (I know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be), but that also doesn’t help and results in more crying.
What are your techniques? How do you maintain your cool and don’t let it ruing your mood?

 

[jmickett]

@dfe1971 I don't try to fix it. My youngest (2.5yrs) is a kid who just has to deal with his feelings. I put him somewhere safe. I let him know it is okay to be upset. I let him know I am here for him for a cuddle or to breathe together.

If he goes to throw or hit, I block. I say "I won't let you hit. It's okay to be upset, not okay to hit". If I sense he is calming down, I might offer to breathe deep with him. I get him to try and blow me away, I wobble and then as he does it more I might playfully lean to the floor. Once the giggles start, we move on. (Edited to add: we do this breathing "game" at non-tantrum times too, regulation skills can't just be taught during the tantrum)

Sometimes I do have to leave the room. I tell him that I will be back in 2 minutes and what I am doing (going to the bathroom, or to calm myself down).

I don't do this perfectly every time either.... sometimes I still get annoyed or irritated or yell. I found though if I wear my noise deafening ear buds (I have the Loop brand ones), I get irritated a lot less.

Edited to add: I also try to remind myself that they are only 2.5yrs old. They still don't have the brain capacity to control the reaction or their emotions. That it must feel so uncomfortable for them to have these massive feelings they don't understand.

 

[icananswer]

@jmickett I noticed a turning point in my son when I started utilizing similar solutions. Give them the space they're asking for while letting them know you're available if/ when they change their mind. Don't try to "fix" or explain why they can't have a thing. They're too young to care about why they can't have it, they're just upset they can't. I started feeling less annoyed with him and felt more empathy for him when I repeatedly reminded myself that he truly is struggling and underneath all of the hitting and screaming is a baby who's hurting. And more times than not, one of his sleep, food, or undivided attention meters is low. I say, " I understand it's frustrating" or " i totally get it, buddy." Somewhere I believe he understands, after hearing these, that I'm on his side even if I'm the one saying no to what he wants. When the opportunity presents itself I try to insert some silliness. It helps give him an opportunity to move away from the triggered headspace.
It's hard to reform your response to volatile kiddos, but it's important to do. So don't let yourself feel like a failure just because you don't see immediate improvement. Even if they can't be reasoned with in the moment, they remember how you respond when they have tantrums.

 

[sailingangel]

@dfe1971 The best thing I ever read, that changed how I respond was “They aren’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.”

 

[raverdave2k]

@dfe1971 Agree with the other posters. When our tantrums started around 2-2.5 I felt like I tried everything to no avail. One day I said "mommy needs to step out of the room. I'll be right back" (because i felt like i was going to lose it! And needed my own time out) I gave him space, and he did cry harder for a minute, but then regulated enough i could walk back in and try to help.

I figured out not talking at all about what he can or can't have, just label the emotion. Say " I know you're sad, frustrated, angry etc but you cannot hit or scream in the kitchen. You can sit in your room or out here. I'll gladly sit with you, but you cannot scream at me" I hold the boundaries, I might carry him to the couch or his room if he didn't stop, and say im coming back in 2 minutes. I'll do something silly or offer a hug, both work really well. Afterwards we might try to talk about what happened if I can see he's receptive, but I find coping mechanisms are better taught throughout the day.
Their reasoning cannot be accessed during a full meltdown. I know empathy can be difficult in those moments. I love watching Dr Becky's clips on Instagram for scripts. It helps me know what I want to say ahead of time, or how to turn the moment into a connection with a joke or something.

We read tons of books on emotions, love "The Little Spot of..." books. I try my best to model it too, which I do fail at and then we'll talk about it later. If I'm frustrated and yell. I'll later say why I did it, how it could be been better handled. I had great success with empowering him to speak up in these times too. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when we're trying to get out the door in the morning. I grew up in a very chaotic morning situation and hated it, rushing and yelling, so it's triggering for me and I try hard to not do the same things. I've told him to communicate and stand up for himself too, like by 4 he could say " Mom I don't like your tone of voice or you're making me feel anxious because you're rushing." It has helped me slow down and I'll tell him "you're right. I do sound like I'm getting frustrated. It's hard when I'm repeating myself to you so many times. Can you please get your shoes on now and we can try to start over?" He feels heard and like he has more control.

Obviously your child isn't there yet, and it took time for us, but I was so proud when he first was able to vocalize this to me. Just keep communicating and give yourself grace. Making a mistake means you're a human who has a great example to use to teach. They respond when you can admit that you're going through similar feelings and learning too. We all are, and we all appreciate validation and understanding.

 

[providenciaet]

@dfe1971 You can’t reason with a 2.5 year old. Like biologically, they’re not capable of reason like that. Our kids also rely on us to co-regulate. So when we get upset at their upset (which is very easy to do, since we also co-regulate!), but we just make things worse. You already know this but yelling at anyone to calm down just doesn’t work. If you can calm yourself first, that’s often more effective. And then you don’t need to reason or even explain. Just validate his feelings. “You’re angry because we can’t go to the playground today.” And use your calm to help him calm down. Sounds like he needs some space and no touching to be able to do that and you’re honouring that.

Ok, all that said. This is hard stuff. I struggle with it everyday with my 3 year old too. Because it usually comes down to how well we are at regulating and managing our own emotions and that is challenging stuff. Not to mention it tends to bring up “stuff” from our own childhoods/how we were parented and yeah. It’s a lot going on. So just sending some solidarity.

Some book recommendations if you’re interested: How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, and Self-Reg

 

[mamster]

@dfe1971 I just let my toddler have his feelings unless he’s trying to hurt himself/someone else. Then I tell him “No hitting. I won’t let you hit —.” I then stop his hand if he continues to try, and move the object of hitting away from him. If he’s not in full meltdown mode I’ll remind him he can hit a pillow. I empathize with his feelings - “I know you’re angry we have to go inside. It’s so hard when you want to keeping playing in the yard.” He doesn’t usually want to be touched, either. I’ll offer to hold or hug him and if he refuses/ignores me I move away but still where he can see me. I’ll do something else, (sometimes find a sensory toy to play with if it’s really bad) and wait for him to come over. Play Doh is great for that! But usually I just clean or read something while I give him time to regulate.

 

[logicrobot]

@dfe1971 I recommend the book “How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen” by Joana Faber and Julie King! Ps. You sound like an amazing mother!

 

[dfe1971]

@logicrobot Aww thank you!

 

[theodor98]

@dfe1971

Aww thank you!

You're welcome!

 

[dfe1971]

Thank you all for the advice and words of reassurance! I think the key is not trying to fix it and be patient