My wife got pregnant last March, we were over the moon excited. Had our ultrasound, heard the heartbeat emotions were high. Unfortunately we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was very difficult and we were devastated. After months of trying to conceive again we finally did it. We are at 7 weeks now and my wife is having a lot more symptoms of being pregnant that she didn’t have with the first pregnancy i.e. nausea, morning sickness, mood swings, to name a few. Our first appointment is going to be at 9 weeks. Our problem is that we are hesitant to celebrate and it’s hard to feel optimistic about this pregnancy because of the miscarriage. Sadly I’m sure other people here have gone through something similar. If anyone has any advice on how to guide my wife through this as she is the one who feels like she let our families and myself down with the miscarriage. I’m constantly telling her to have faith and keep a positive state of mind that everything with this pregnancy will work out the way it should and that we will have a healthy beautiful baby although we both have no control.
Dealing with pregnancy after a miscarriage
- Thread starter digitale
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@digitale Stay cautiously optimistic.
Wife had a chemical pregnancy and miscarried at 5 weeks last year, and then finally in November we got pregnant via the first IUI attempt. Currently 14 weeks pregnant, NIPT tests all clear, and having a boy.
But the whole time we've been cautiously optimistic. We've been trying for two years now and we're in our mid to late thirties.
We chose to wait until after the NIPT test to start telling anyone we wanted to know that wasn't like the super close knit group of people like our parents.
Everyone has to decide when to tell others, and for us it was getting out of the first trimester and getting good NIPT results.
Either way at some point you wanna tell those closest just in case since it's apparently easier to explain that you had a miscarriage vs explaining you were pregnant and now had a miscarriage.
Good luck!
Wife had a chemical pregnancy and miscarried at 5 weeks last year, and then finally in November we got pregnant via the first IUI attempt. Currently 14 weeks pregnant, NIPT tests all clear, and having a boy.
But the whole time we've been cautiously optimistic. We've been trying for two years now and we're in our mid to late thirties.
We chose to wait until after the NIPT test to start telling anyone we wanted to know that wasn't like the super close knit group of people like our parents.
Everyone has to decide when to tell others, and for us it was getting out of the first trimester and getting good NIPT results.
Either way at some point you wanna tell those closest just in case since it's apparently easier to explain that you had a miscarriage vs explaining you were pregnant and now had a miscarriage.
Good luck!
@digitale I think it would help not to tell her how or what to feel. But support her regardless. Let her go through the motions in her own time. Never say that everything will be ok, because no one can say that.
You can maintain a cautiously optimistic mindset as one poster here said, but for what she’ll feel, let her go through the paces.
Ask her to join PAL subreddit r/pregnancyafterloss
You can maintain a cautiously optimistic mindset as one poster here said, but for what she’ll feel, let her go through the paces.
Ask her to join PAL subreddit r/pregnancyafterloss
simplegifts
New member
@digitale We had multiple miscarriages and it was hard on my wife. When we got pregnant again it was a surprise and she kept waiting for news of an atopic or false pregnancy or something else. It really wasn't until she saw an actual baby looking ultrasound instead of the blob that she started to believe. We're at 7 months now with twins coming so almost ready to graduate to Dad status.
@simplegifts That stage of waiting to hear the bad news until you see the good news is god awful and wouldn’t wish it on anybody. Wow twins! Congratulations man hope all the best
@digitale We lost our first pregnancy at 20 weeks last February. Very traumatic for all parties involved. Pregnant again mid August and currently 28 weeks. I’ll say that until viability at 24 weeks it was a lot of held breath. Even with extra doctor’s visits there was a lot of anxiety about the “what ifs”. Just take each week as it comes, be optimistic, and be understanding. Be patient with yourself and your wife because feelings are confusing and hard to predict. Good luck!
kindofb1ue
New member
@digitale Hey man, I'm in the same boat. Lost ours at ~8 weeks back in August after a rough start to the pregnancy. This time she has a lot more symptoms as well (morning sickness is ROUGH this time.)
My wife had a lot of the same feelings as yours, and I would just tell her not to blame herself, it's completely out of our control, and that I'd be there for her no matter what happens.
We just had our 9 week appointment yesterday, and things are looking good. We're not out of the woods yet, but it was a HUGE relief for both of us. All the feelings we weren't letting ourselves have all hit at once, and it was pretty emotional for us.
Just hang in there, be there for your wife when she needs you, and hope for the best. I'll be rooting for you.
My wife had a lot of the same feelings as yours, and I would just tell her not to blame herself, it's completely out of our control, and that I'd be there for her no matter what happens.
We just had our 9 week appointment yesterday, and things are looking good. We're not out of the woods yet, but it was a HUGE relief for both of us. All the feelings we weren't letting ourselves have all hit at once, and it was pretty emotional for us.
Just hang in there, be there for your wife when she needs you, and hope for the best. I'll be rooting for you.
@kindofb1ue Do you sort of feel regretful for not celebrating the beginning of the pregnancy as much as you should have for the fear of things going south again? I have a feeling our 9 week appointment will go very similar to yours, all those emotions you’re holding back will hit hard. Rooting for you too my man we got this
kindofb1ue
New member
@digitale Not at all. It kind of helped that we were in "whatever happens happens" mode after the first time, and weren't actively trying this go around. But we were really blindsided last time, this being our first kid and all. It hit us hard, and both of us were in a bad place for a bit after. It was definitely a self-defense mechanism, and I think it was what we needed to cope with any possible bad news.
We just got our happy moment in the parking lot after the ultrasound instead.
We just got our happy moment in the parking lot after the ultrasound instead.
jerryh1963
New member
@digitale Wife had a miscarriage last year, first time pregnant. We're pregnant again and 88 days away from our little boy being here. I empathize with you.
As everyone else is saying, being cautiously optimistic is the goal I think. I'm still scared shitless that we'll have issues. It's difficult for me to even imagine the little one because of my fear it will be taken away from my by random chance. But for the wife, I'm optimistic.
You two will get through this. It may not be how you want but you both are strong enough and your bond to each other is strong enough to get through whatever happens.
What's helped me and my wife is to be real with each other. It may turn out negatively for us, it may be negative outcomes. But we will get through it. And eventually, even if it's by adoption next year, we will have a little boy and we will be good parents.
Come what may, your plan will succeed eventually.
As everyone else is saying, being cautiously optimistic is the goal I think. I'm still scared shitless that we'll have issues. It's difficult for me to even imagine the little one because of my fear it will be taken away from my by random chance. But for the wife, I'm optimistic.
You two will get through this. It may not be how you want but you both are strong enough and your bond to each other is strong enough to get through whatever happens.
What's helped me and my wife is to be real with each other. It may turn out negatively for us, it may be negative outcomes. But we will get through it. And eventually, even if it's by adoption next year, we will have a little boy and we will be good parents.
Come what may, your plan will succeed eventually.
robertvroom
New member
ihateinvega
New member
@digitale Yeah man. We had a m/c followed by a preemie followed by a m/c. We’re pregnant again but it’s scary even at 20ish weeks. Just keep your head up and hope for the best. There’s not much else you can do.
And consider for your partner, in my experience for a lot of women, pregnancy is basically the ultimate test for someone’s body. Women tend to be socialized to be super conscious of their appearance and things like fertility are upheld as the most important things in their entire lives. A miscarriage might seem like saying, no, there’s something wrong with your body. There’s something wrong with you. Having that thought can be absolutely devastating.
But to your point, just try to stay cautiously optimistic. After every week of everything being fine, your odds of miscarriage drop dramatically. Something like half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but most of them happen before you can even know you’re pregnant. Your partner is at 7 weeks, which means there’s a 96% chance of having a live birth. Those are amazing odds. In one more week you’re at 99%.
I don’t think those odds can assuage your partner, but they should give you some confidence. Be happy, be optimistic, but also don’t railroad her thoughts. Show empathy, show concern.
And know that your partner probably won’t be confident until she’s holding a baby… and then there’s 18+ more years of worry ahead.
And consider for your partner, in my experience for a lot of women, pregnancy is basically the ultimate test for someone’s body. Women tend to be socialized to be super conscious of their appearance and things like fertility are upheld as the most important things in their entire lives. A miscarriage might seem like saying, no, there’s something wrong with your body. There’s something wrong with you. Having that thought can be absolutely devastating.
But to your point, just try to stay cautiously optimistic. After every week of everything being fine, your odds of miscarriage drop dramatically. Something like half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but most of them happen before you can even know you’re pregnant. Your partner is at 7 weeks, which means there’s a 96% chance of having a live birth. Those are amazing odds. In one more week you’re at 99%.
I don’t think those odds can assuage your partner, but they should give you some confidence. Be happy, be optimistic, but also don’t railroad her thoughts. Show empathy, show concern.
And know that your partner probably won’t be confident until she’s holding a baby… and then there’s 18+ more years of worry ahead.
@samz1992 I’m not discounting your numbers but I’m wondering where you found them so that I can share them with my wife. We’re at ~7 weeks now after a m/c a year ago. We’re almost not even acknowledging the pregnancy yet because we’re so scared of losing another one. I want to give her some good news/facts to get us through the rough patch
@lenthe I had trouble finding it but this was what I used:
https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/health-and-safety/miscarriage-signs-causes-and-treatment_252#
I looked at a few different sources and they’re all in line even if the numbers vary a bit.
Good luck man! We had basically the same thing happen — very early miscarriage about a year ago (the miscarriage went on for months which was crazy shitty). We’re at 22 or so weeks now.
https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/health-and-safety/miscarriage-signs-causes-and-treatment_252#
I looked at a few different sources and they’re all in line even if the numbers vary a bit.
Good luck man! We had basically the same thing happen — very early miscarriage about a year ago (the miscarriage went on for months which was crazy shitty). We’re at 22 or so weeks now.
@digitale We lost two. The first was a surprise pregnancy that we both learned to embrace. When we lost it my wife was devastated.
The second was planned and hit me harder.
The third time was a stressful road. We never got excited or happy. We didn't tell anyone for months.it worked out and we have a happy perfect little boy.
Now we have a girl too.
My point is that, for us, being excited seemed impossible. Just try to stay positive, be present, and support your wife.
The second was planned and hit me harder.
The third time was a stressful road. We never got excited or happy. We didn't tell anyone for months.it worked out and we have a happy perfect little boy.
Now we have a girl too.
My point is that, for us, being excited seemed impossible. Just try to stay positive, be present, and support your wife.
@digitale My wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I think about this question a lot. I think the next time around I’m just going to be very optimistic and hopeful. Not naive, but hopeful. I won’t tell everyone at 6 weeks again but I plan to be upbeat and excited at all the doctor appointments. I think a positive attitude will really help my wife. She tends to be much more anxious than I am and if we both get negative and start spiraling it will be ugly. I don’t want us both holding our breath and riddled with anxiety until the baby comes out. That’s no way to live. Also it really helps realizing how common this is, even among friends and family.