Dealing with early stages of separation

[daydreamer1980]

My ex and I still live under the same roof as the divorce finalizes. We have a 3 1/2 month old together, and she does not work, while I work 8 hours a day. I'm dealing with the guilt of not being able to spend more time with my son. I've been feeling guilty about being at work, and feel bad because I compare the amount of time my ex spends with him in comparison to me.

I really want to make sure he knows I'm here. I spend all afternoon with him, but yet I feel like that's not enough, because by the time I get home he's already tired and falling asleep.

I'm thinking of getting my ex to let him sleep in my room some nights to at least start having him and get used to the potential "over nights". Anyone have any advice?

TIA

 

[spookydawg77]

@daydreamer1980 Honestly, I think you're over thinking this.

Who puts your son to bed? I used to put my son to bed, every night. We had a routine, I'd bath him, dress him, read him a book, and then sing to him as he fell asleep in my arms, before I put him down into his bed. That was my favourite time of each day, it was such a special bonding time. The fact that he was tired and sleepy was not a problem.

And then you've got weekends, where you have all day to spend with your son. That's plenty of time for you to bond with him. Of course he will know you're there. It's not the quantity of time that matters. It's the quality. As long as you're having quality time with him at least every 3-4 days, he will know exactly who you are and there will be no problems.

I do think you should take a good look at your own thought processes here, make sure that this isn't an issue of jealousy or shame or something between you and your ex. Comparing never helps, don't look at your ex and the amount of time she spends with your son and compare. It's not a competition.

Also, where does your son usually sleep during the night? At 3 1/2 months, you should already be very involved in nights, maybe not as much as your ex because she's not working, but you should be regularly changing nappies, getting him up, putting him down, getting him dressed, etc etc etc. I don't see why you'd need a transition period where he sleeps in your room to get ready for overnights. If you're not doing all these things already, then maybe you need to take a good hard look at yourself and ask why? Why haven't you been stepping up to do your parental responsibilities already?

 

[daydreamer1980]

@spookydawg77 Thanks so much for the comment. I agree, I think I'm overthink this, and I big factor for this is the fear that I'd become irrelevant to him if Im not with him as much as his mom is for now.

I do change diapers, feed him, and change him. I've also bath him and made sure he's ready for bed. At nights since I get the last few hours with him, I make sure I put him to sleep, and then hand him over to his mom, as she has the baby crib in her room, and I don't go into that room because of past issues of her falsy accusing me of domestic abuse and her daughter is usually in that room too and I don't want to cause for her to try to say something that did not happen.

I spend two whole days on the weekend with my son, we go to my parents house and spend the day out there.

I think now that I think about it more, I'm really involved. I do have a routine with my son, where I feed as soon as I get home, change diaper, quick nap, and then we play and spend time doing some exercises all up until 8:30pm at which he's ready for bed.

Thanks again, this is my first baby and I'm really lost as to what to do or if I'm doing things right. Ex-wife has a kid already and sort of knows what she's doing. Communication is really bad as she really doesn't like to communicate anything about the baby with me, except when I ask. But I do need to step up more and be more firm on getting both of us to communicate better and push aside the fears and overthinking.

Much appreciated your comment!

 

[spookydawg77]

@daydreamer1980 It sounds like you're going to be just fine then. From what you describe, I can guarantee you that that baby is growing up to have a special bond with you as his father, and no one else will ever come close to filling that role with him.

 

[joyfilled]

@daydreamer1980 You sound a bit needy. Most 3.5 month olds don’t know anyone else exists except for mom because they are nursing around the clock.

Working and taking care of mom is your way of loving your son in the early months. Some snuggles in the evening is perfect.

I am shocked your ex sends the baby away all day on the weekend!!

 

[daydreamer1980]

@joyfilled I honestly think I'm just overthinking. You're definitely right on babies not knowing other people except mom.

I'm definitely here and support where I can and free up a lot of my day to help out and be there for my son.

We don't go away all weekend, we usually head out at 10am and come back around 5pm. I usually don't have people over because she's threatened to call the cops on anyone I have over.

 

[aliyaaii]

@daydreamer1980 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about what you're going through. As a single parent of 5 years and someone who has gone through a similar scenario, I can relate to how challenging it can be emotionally. It sounds like you're navigating the situation in a calm and reflective way.

A few thoughts:

• Quality time often outweighs quantity of time. Your dedication to spending afternoons with your son and your desire to be a present and loving parent is significant and shows intention and the desire to foster a good relationship. Often, in the early days, mothers bear a lot more of the burden of parenting simply due to the necessity of food. As your child grows, time spent with either parent adjusts.
• Working: Working to provide for your son is a way of caring for him and shows responsibility and financial prudence.
• Sleeping: Having your son sleep in your room on some nights, could be a thoughtful approach. However, it's necessary to have an open and respectful conversation with your co-parent about this idea, focusing on what's best for your son and ensuring it's a decision that works for all involved, including respecting any advice from your child's paediatrician or a professional therapist about sleep arrangements that best support his development and wellbeing.
• Self-care: It's vital to take care of yourself during this time. Ensuring you're emotionally and physically healthy will enable you to be the best parent you can be. Seeking support from friends, family, and a professional therapist can provide additional perspectives and coping strategies to guide you on this journey. Additionally, from my experience, going to the gym/working out/meditation/yoga/running/MMA are all great ways to support emotional release and provide a community of support to stay grounded.

Stay strong, all the best.

*Disclaimer: The response provided is for general informational purposes only and is not professional advice. It's important to consult with a qualified professional who can provide advice tailored to your specific situation, such as a family therapist, legal advisor, or pediatrician, to ensure the best outcomes for you and your family.