When does it get better? At this point I just feel like it’s all a nightmare and I just need to wake up. It’s hard to see that the other person seems find and is enjoying their new freedom while you’re stuck caring for your 7 month old, having to try to find time to pack to move back home with family across the country, hoping that they change their mind and say they didn’t mean to break up and they regret it but at the same time telling yourself that you deserve better and won’t get back, not wanting to ever date especially with how the dating scene looks like but at the same time maybe in the future I may want to find someone but also feeling like I’ll never find someone. I’m too damaged, too emotional, too much for anymore, maybe my jokes about us having issues planted seeds in his head. I would say it to be funny but I guess it wasn’t. I would say/smile/laugh and say something like see this is why we have issues to our dog for little things like him leaving shoes on the floor or something stupid like that. But I now see how he might have taken those to heart and felt not good enough. That I was always complaining. Which I guess in a way I was.
It’s hard to stop overthinking and wondering the whys and the what if I did this or that. The what did I do, could I have made him happier, did I really make him feel that unloved that he had to cheat and be with someone right now. I wasn’t a good partner. I wasn’t perfect. I’ve used my words to hurt him before. Honestly, I even feel like apologizing to him for it. It could have been me being selfish when I asked for attention or when I didn’t consider how he wants to enjoy his weekends. I just thought it was better to be out doing things together than be home. I want to ask what I can improve and get more closure. But do I really need closure and more details when cheating and him saying he wants to be free and doesn’t like the person he is with me/not happy not enough? Do I really need more torture? I’m not the one who should feel like I’m being punished. Or maybe it is. Maybe it’s for not seeing the red flags or blindly trusting. Isn’t it hard enough for him to come to our apartment late and me wondering who he’s been with but at the same time telling myself I shouldn’t care because he doesn’t want me anymore. But why am I the one who seems like their whole life has been turned inside out. Everything I looked forward to, gone. Our talks about growing our families literally days before the break up is just confusing to me. What happened? He was planning on doing things together. Going on a date soon. Traveling. All while he knew he wasn’t in it.
The thought of once I go to new new apartment by family is hard. When family goes home to tend their families is tough to swallow. I’ll be all alone, truly this time. At least before I felt like a single parent but at least still had someone there. Now I’ll be alone tending to a growing little girl and hoping I can hold it together or her and not damage her like I was when my parents left me. I’m sorry to her.
But part of me tells myself i shouldn’t apologize to him. Family tells me it’s on him and I shouldn’t feel like this but I do. Part of me feel disappointed that he told me. Especially because before I was upset about how I felt like people just use me and take advantage of me. Especially because a few weeks ago my grandmother died and he knows she was like a mother figure and was dealing with that. And I know I should get therapy but how do you do so with a baby. How to try to find time to meet new people and friends. How to be my own self.
He’s all I’ve ever known. My best friend for 12 years from 17/18-30. I thought we would be together forever at this point. Now my engagement ring just feels heavy and my chest feels heavy. It feel like it’s been squeezed so hard. Having to move back to our small town and have everyone know I’m a single parent is also hard. Never imagine this life. I guess no one ever imagines it really. But I know I have to stay strong for my little girl. I know she and I deserve better and I hope that when she’s older she doesn’t have a great void and try finding that love in the wrong places.
It’s hard to stop overthinking and wondering the whys and the what if I did this or that. The what did I do, could I have made him happier, did I really make him feel that unloved that he had to cheat and be with someone right now. I wasn’t a good partner. I wasn’t perfect. I’ve used my words to hurt him before. Honestly, I even feel like apologizing to him for it. It could have been me being selfish when I asked for attention or when I didn’t consider how he wants to enjoy his weekends. I just thought it was better to be out doing things together than be home. I want to ask what I can improve and get more closure. But do I really need closure and more details when cheating and him saying he wants to be free and doesn’t like the person he is with me/not happy not enough? Do I really need more torture? I’m not the one who should feel like I’m being punished. Or maybe it is. Maybe it’s for not seeing the red flags or blindly trusting. Isn’t it hard enough for him to come to our apartment late and me wondering who he’s been with but at the same time telling myself I shouldn’t care because he doesn’t want me anymore. But why am I the one who seems like their whole life has been turned inside out. Everything I looked forward to, gone. Our talks about growing our families literally days before the break up is just confusing to me. What happened? He was planning on doing things together. Going on a date soon. Traveling. All while he knew he wasn’t in it.
The thought of once I go to new new apartment by family is hard. When family goes home to tend their families is tough to swallow. I’ll be all alone, truly this time. At least before I felt like a single parent but at least still had someone there. Now I’ll be alone tending to a growing little girl and hoping I can hold it together or her and not damage her like I was when my parents left me. I’m sorry to her.
But part of me tells myself i shouldn’t apologize to him. Family tells me it’s on him and I shouldn’t feel like this but I do. Part of me feel disappointed that he told me. Especially because before I was upset about how I felt like people just use me and take advantage of me. Especially because a few weeks ago my grandmother died and he knows she was like a mother figure and was dealing with that. And I know I should get therapy but how do you do so with a baby. How to try to find time to meet new people and friends. How to be my own self.
He’s all I’ve ever known. My best friend for 12 years from 17/18-30. I thought we would be together forever at this point. Now my engagement ring just feels heavy and my chest feels heavy. It feel like it’s been squeezed so hard. Having to move back to our small town and have everyone know I’m a single parent is also hard. Never imagine this life. I guess no one ever imagines it really. But I know I have to stay strong for my little girl. I know she and I deserve better and I hope that when she’s older she doesn’t have a great void and try finding that love in the wrong places.
