I guess I’m halfway venting and halfway asking for advice with this post. My daughter, who is five and in Pre-k, has been having behavioral issues at school and there is a direct correlation between her behavior and the times she is going to be visiting her dad the following weekend.
She’s almost completely stopped having full blown tantrums and is pretty mature (for a five year old) at home. But at school, she misbehaves during nap time. It started as not laying down or talking during nap time but has escalated to having major blowups, throwing chairs, socks and shoes, books, destroying the reading area, screaming at her teacher, and disturbing the class while they try to nap. She’s always always hated bed time and nap time although she’s never behaved this way at home or in the previous year’s school. At first I thought it was because she hated nap time but the longer it’s gone on I’ve noticed that she always misbehaves the week prior to spending the weekend at her dad’s.
I take screenshots of pick up and drop off times with her dad, and also take screenshots of text messages from her teacher, as well as her behavior chart that comes home daily. I made a list and matched up the dates and have found no less than five occurrences so far. I’d say an average of two or three bad marks per month. ALWAYS right before she goes to her dad’s. I did an experiment where we didn’t tell her she was going to her dads for the weekend and she got good marks all week. There was only one outlier and that was one weekend she spent with her grandmother (her dads mother). She knew she was spending one night with grandma and one with dad and she misbehaved.
As far as her relationship with her dad goes, I’d say it’s not great but it’s not bad. Sometimes he’ll only see her one weekend out of the month or he’ll make plans, then break them. Lately he’s been doing better about this. I think he isn’t fully present when she’s around; not neglectful but not attentive either. He spoils her a lot with sweets and toys and isn’t big on discipline. Our household is more strict, but also very attentive and loving. When I ground her for her behavior he said he won’t make her be grounded at his house, even if she’s grounded at mine because he believes grounding her doesn’t work. Being grounded at home consists of: no sugary snacks or after-dinner deserts, no electronics(she has a tablet that her grandma bought her), and limited TV time. I think her dad uses those as a babysitter so he doesn’t have to interact with her as much.
Her dad has mentioned before that she cries for mommy and says she wants to go home every night before bed. I just kind of brushed it off as an attachment thing because she is so used to being at home with me. This evening though, her dad surprised her by taking her to spend the night at her Grandpa’s (her dads father) house. We FaceTimed before bed as usual and I asked her if she got good behavior marks for the day and she danced around the issue until I made her get her folder and show me her chart. She had gotten bad marks at nap time and when I asked her why, she said because she “didn’t want to go to her dad’s for the weekend and wanted to stay home with mommy”.
Here’s where I need advice. Obviously I don’t want to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do or is not comfortable doing but her dad won’t let her not come over. Her dad and I have been living separated for around two years and I know he misses her when she’s not around. I can’t just not let him spend time with her. Her behavior issues suck but I believe her having a relationship with him is still important. I also feel that part of it is an attachment issue and she needs to be out of the house every once in a while because not only is it good for her development, but it also gives me a much needed break. I just don’t know how to approach this issue with her, her father, or even her school. If anyone has any advice or can maybe look at it from an outside perspective, I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.
She’s almost completely stopped having full blown tantrums and is pretty mature (for a five year old) at home. But at school, she misbehaves during nap time. It started as not laying down or talking during nap time but has escalated to having major blowups, throwing chairs, socks and shoes, books, destroying the reading area, screaming at her teacher, and disturbing the class while they try to nap. She’s always always hated bed time and nap time although she’s never behaved this way at home or in the previous year’s school. At first I thought it was because she hated nap time but the longer it’s gone on I’ve noticed that she always misbehaves the week prior to spending the weekend at her dad’s.
I take screenshots of pick up and drop off times with her dad, and also take screenshots of text messages from her teacher, as well as her behavior chart that comes home daily. I made a list and matched up the dates and have found no less than five occurrences so far. I’d say an average of two or three bad marks per month. ALWAYS right before she goes to her dad’s. I did an experiment where we didn’t tell her she was going to her dads for the weekend and she got good marks all week. There was only one outlier and that was one weekend she spent with her grandmother (her dads mother). She knew she was spending one night with grandma and one with dad and she misbehaved.
As far as her relationship with her dad goes, I’d say it’s not great but it’s not bad. Sometimes he’ll only see her one weekend out of the month or he’ll make plans, then break them. Lately he’s been doing better about this. I think he isn’t fully present when she’s around; not neglectful but not attentive either. He spoils her a lot with sweets and toys and isn’t big on discipline. Our household is more strict, but also very attentive and loving. When I ground her for her behavior he said he won’t make her be grounded at his house, even if she’s grounded at mine because he believes grounding her doesn’t work. Being grounded at home consists of: no sugary snacks or after-dinner deserts, no electronics(she has a tablet that her grandma bought her), and limited TV time. I think her dad uses those as a babysitter so he doesn’t have to interact with her as much.
Her dad has mentioned before that she cries for mommy and says she wants to go home every night before bed. I just kind of brushed it off as an attachment thing because she is so used to being at home with me. This evening though, her dad surprised her by taking her to spend the night at her Grandpa’s (her dads father) house. We FaceTimed before bed as usual and I asked her if she got good behavior marks for the day and she danced around the issue until I made her get her folder and show me her chart. She had gotten bad marks at nap time and when I asked her why, she said because she “didn’t want to go to her dad’s for the weekend and wanted to stay home with mommy”.
Here’s where I need advice. Obviously I don’t want to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do or is not comfortable doing but her dad won’t let her not come over. Her dad and I have been living separated for around two years and I know he misses her when she’s not around. I can’t just not let him spend time with her. Her behavior issues suck but I believe her having a relationship with him is still important. I also feel that part of it is an attachment issue and she needs to be out of the house every once in a while because not only is it good for her development, but it also gives me a much needed break. I just don’t know how to approach this issue with her, her father, or even her school. If anyone has any advice or can maybe look at it from an outside perspective, I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.