Considering quitting to SAH- looking for perspective on kid in full-time daycare

[billyli]

My husband and I have been seriously discussing the possibility that I quit my job to stay home. We have a 2.5 yo and 6m old. One of the (many) things I’m grappling with re this decision is my 2.5 yo’s school. He’s been in full time daycare at a small Montessori that we LOVE. He goes from 9:30-5 and if I didn’t work, I’d be picking him up at 4 (so that we get home at 4:30 and not 5:30, which seems much more manageable for dinner/evening routines). It’s not an option that we take him out of this school because i’m staying home.

My 6m old is currently home with a nanny and I would of course not plan to keep the nanny (full time). Our plan was always to put her in school around 1 year (my son started at 18 months). 1 year always felt a little soon but that’s just what made sense for us. Now that I’m considering staying home, I wouldn’t start her until 18 months at least.

My question for you all is - what would you guys do in this situation? My husband and I feel pretty strongly that this school has been so amazing for our son, and of course want our daughter to have the same benefits too. But it feels weird to quit my job just to inevitable have both kids in full time school…should I just plan to keep her home longer, and maybe there are other benefits to that she will have that my son doesn’t? We can financially afford me to stay home and have them both at this school. Any experiences/perspectives/thoughts welcome!

 

[dahtra]

@billyli If being a sahp feels right to you and you guys can afford everything, it's okay to quit your job. There's more to benefits than just not needing childcare.

1. You'll be able to keep them home anytime they get sick or hurt without stressing about sick days and whatnot.
2. You'll be able to focus on baby while young.
3. You'll have more energy for both of them for general patience, fun activities, "extracurriculars," etc.
4. You may find it easier to do things that are important to you such as making homemade food, working out, doing home improvement projects, taking care of pets, working on PTA, getting out in nature, etc.
5. You can easily chaperone field trips and similar events.
6. You'll have an easier time keeping your home clean once both are in school.
7. You could still potentially do a gig for some flexible extra income if you wanted.
8. You could volunteer for things you care about.
9. You'll have more time for family time, as you said getting the kids at 5:30 was a rush.
10. You can more easily model taking care of yourself, taking care of your home, having friends, etc. for your children.
11. Repairs and doctors appointments will be much less stressful since your schedule is more flexible for when they're inevitably late.

There's probably more I haven't even thought of! There's definitely benefits for your whole family though.

 

[billyli]

@dahtra Thank you for this! This is exactly how I view it. There are a lot of responsibilities to maintaining and home and family that can easily fill a day.

 

[muzzi]

@billyli I’m currently pregnant and plan to be a SAHM in a few months when baby boy comes. I’m technically already a stay at home spouse since I quit my job to just do DD and Ubereats for now. There is definitely so much to be done in one day and baby isn’t even here yet. It’s crazy how much there is to do

 

[bernielyle]

@dahtra The sick day and summer flexibility is undervalued imo. My sister is always scrambling anytime any of her kids are sick, it becomes so stressful. My parents both worked long hours/I was a latchkey kid and I remember feeling so guilty every time I would get sick because I knew what a burden it was on my parents/relatives. Now as a sahm, I can just shrug and push through. I can take care of my kids without the pressure of getting back to work/not wasting precious pto or sick days on illness.

 

[ramonguitar]

@billyli There is evidence that time spent in a daycare or school environment isn’t beneficial to most kids until the age of 3 (or even later for some kids). Up until that age, kids don’t need to socialize. They don’t really play together until they’re older. They do need a close and nurturing relationship with a caregiver.

I’m not asking to be critical, but what do you think your son has gotten out of full time preschool that he wouldn’t have gotten at home? If it’s activities, songs, stories, playtime….do you think you could replicate those things for your daughter until she’s closer to 3?

We sent our kids to preschool starting at age 3 for two mornings a week (8 hours total). When they turned 4, we started sending them to full time pre-k.

 

[billyli]

@ramonguitar I have read the studies you reference and agree with you. I think he has gotten all of the things you’ve mentioned - it’s just precious to see this little world and community that he has away from home. But as I think about it, I agree with you, it’s probably nothing he needs to experience at this age. And I do think I can seek to create similar experiences at home for my daughter.

 

[dutchvw]

@billyli I can relate to you because we also have a Montessori school that we absolutely adore. Like, it’s truly idyllic - loving teachers, low ratios, beautiful outdoor play space and gardens, etc. Still, even with all that, in my experience my little ones prefer being home with me. And the above poster is correct, kids don’t really take much from school socially until 3ish.

We’ve compromised with a part day option - I’m not sure if that’s available to you? All of my kids start half days around age 2/2.5 (every morning from 9-12). It seems like a good balance for everyone!

 

[i7sharp]

@ramonguitar Where I live, if you don’t start them by 3, there are rarely spots at the preferred schools. We started my first at 3 and he struggled to catch up to the kids that had been there already and it took him a year or two to feel comfortable and confident. My other child started at 2 and blossomed. Still has a core group of friends from that age and is so confident in school and loves it so much. Each child is different and each area of the country and district is different. For us, earlier was better. That’s not even going into the mental health and physical health aspects for me as the sahm. I am a better mom and wife when I have some me time, and I had none until they went to school at the same time.

 

[crownfair]

@ramonguitar I used to believe that babies didn’t play together, like with my first when we would get together with other babies she would just do her own thing usually. Look at the other kid some, kind of fight over the toys and maybe engage with them 10% of the time. All totally within the realm of normal.

Now I have twins, and they are only a year old but they very much play with each other. They crawl to the same areas of the play room, they watch each other climb up the play couch and repeat. They roll around laughing together… maybe it’s different since they are always together and maybe it is a “twin thing” but it just feels like actual playing. I don’t know what it’s like in a daycare setting though since they are home. My daughter is now in school and loves it and it’s definitely helped socialize her and create a world outside of me so I definitely see the importance of school.

 

[happymomx3]

@ramonguitar Do you mind citing this evidence? I would actually want to read it for my own personal enrichment. However, I will say that based on a single case study alone I disagree with you. My niece was a COVID kid and her parents worked from home when she was first born until she was 2. I will say preschool has DRASTICALLY changed her. She’s developed her speech, socializes much more with adults and children, and is an overall much more well-rounded child. Her mother often says she wishes she had put her in sooner not later. As I’ve mentioned a single case study but I have first hand seen that preschool actually does some amazing things when it comes to socialization. However the downside is that my niece is now constantly sick. I would personally send them both to pre-school and enjoy your time alone. You can spend time volunteering, working out, cooking new recipes, baking goods, cleaning and organizing while being much less stressed about everything. There’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish especially when it’s affordable for your family.

 

[traininggrounds]

@happymomx3 I don’t think it’s fair to compare having a SAHP to having one or even both parents attempt childcare while working from home. There’s just no way that they can provide the same experience and I totally agree that daycare/preschool would be better in that case.

 

[happymomx3]

@traininggrounds Sorry I actually should have been more clear her mother worked from home and her father was home taking care of her while he was finishing up a graduate program at night. Although you’re probably right, it’s still not the exact same thing, I would imagine that spending time with other children is always beneficial to a 2 year old as these other children are just more relatable than a 30-something parent. Again I’m definitely open to reading more literature about this because I don’t often find too many reliable sources.

 

[dutchvw]

@happymomx3 Consider too that there is a huge difference between preschool (a classroom setting for a few hours per day) and what some people call “school” but is actually daycare (the child is there the vast majority of the day). There are benefits to a few hours of preschool when a child is 2/3, the article another poster shared below is a good breakdown.

 

[bernielyle]

@happymomx3 There are so many factors here outside of preschool vs no preschool, though. I hate to trigger by saying what an unprecedented time it was, but it was unprecedented. Her level of socialization was impacted by more than just whether her parents were home with her or not.

 

[lost_yet_got_saved]

@happymomx3 Check out Erica Komisar’s book Being There.

 

[peggyleggy]

@billyli SAHPing is more than keeping your kids at home. My eldest goes to a pre-school program. It benefits everyone in the family. I quit working because I hated getting home at 5 pm only to have to rush around to do household chores. I pick him up at 2 pm. And siblings will never have the same upbringing.

Your post doesn’t say how easily you will enter the workforce in like a year to send your daughter to school at 18 months. Can you get a job with a schedule that allows you to get off a 4 pm? That sounds like the most prudent solution.

 

[billyli]

@peggyleggy I would not plan to re-enter the workforce when my daughter is 18 months, or when she goes to school. For 1, I would like to have another baby. 2, as far as jobs for me go, I’m at a good one, so I wouldn’t leave this job only to find a different one in a year.

 

[peggyleggy]

@billyli Well then it makes sense to me.

 

[joshuasamuelquiroz]

@billyli I always ask what type of work do you have (you don't really have to answer).

I'm in a field I can jump in and out of relatively easily. Both in getting a new job and in not "falling behind" or getting "mommy tracked." Other professions wouldn't be so easy.

So, if your plan is to work again, I would consider how easy it will be to start up again.