There are two thoughts I can't seem to fully process or dislodge from my mind, so I'm hoping this community of fellow SAHP's can help me out.
(Thought 1) SAHP-ing is like serving in the military: Some people do it voluntarily; others are conscripted. In either case, as a society, we should respect and honor their service.
Military service and SAHP-ing both contribute to the general welfare of society.
Some people may know from adolescence or young adulthood that they genuinely want to pursue a career in the military in service to the nation. Others may find themselves in military service even though it wasn't their plan and they might not have chosen or pursued it on their own. In either case, some portion of people will do very well and accomplish great things; while others will struggle and find the experience disappointing. Regardless of whether they volunteered or were conscripted, and regardless of whether they did something amazing and historic or were basically mediocre and anonymous, societies generally respect and honor the time and effort and risk-acceptance and sacrifice of all military veterans.
QUESTION 1: Is there anything in the preceding paragraph that does not / should not apply in exactly the same way to SAHP-ing - and why ?
(Thought 2) On average, men are going to struggle more and be less effective as SAHP's than women.
Similarly, on average, men are more likely to sincerely wish to pursue a career in the military than women; men are more likely to have remarkable military careers; and men are more likely to be recruited or pressed (conscripted) into military service because the nation recognizes men have advantages that make them better-equipped to perform military service. (Again: on average)
Question 2: If we substitute women for men in the preceding paragraph, is there anything that does not / should not apply in exactly the same way to SAHP-ing - and why ?
Things I am NOT saying:
I'm not saying women shouldn't be allowed in the military. And I'm not saying men shouldn't be allowed to be SAHPs.
I'm not saying all men will alway be better in the military than all women. And I'm not saying all women will always be better SAHPs than all men.
I'm not saying women will always fail in the military and men will always fail as SAHPs.
I'm not saying men will always succeed in the military and women will always succeed as SAHPs.
I'm not saying social constructs, nurture, or conditioning plays zero role any or all of this.
I'm not saying being a SAHP is inferior to having a career or that military service is inferior to having a career.
I'm not saying women are inferior to men or that men are inferior to women.
Honest question, Why is this stuck in your head so hard?
My thoughts on your actual question
I think that both military service and parenting should have some respect from society no matter the gender of the person doing it.
I think that trying to compare the two isn’t the best way to get that across in my opinion. It seems to fall into the trope of the stay at home dad that has a tactical diaper bag, or buy dude wipes instead of having baby wipes.
I am just dismayed at the level of cultural division with regard to SAHPing (and more generally, parenting and family and marriage)… in stark contrast to the minimal cultural division with regard to military service.
It just seems like the two things have many parallels / symmetries and the way we think about one should map pretty well to how we think about the other.
It’s just a societal rubix cube I feel has an obvious solution - but since it isn’t widely seen as solved, I’m trying to figure out what I’m missing or getting wrong.
Edit:
Full-Disclosure: I was in the military, so the metaphor may therefore have more salience for me than it would for those who haven’t been in the military.
@kazoolo Tell me more about your thoughts about tactical diaper bags, etc. “Trope” has a negative connotation and I’d like to understand why you see that motif in a negative light.
(Full disclosure: I do not have a tactical diaper bag - but I think they’re kinda fun. It’s just not my style.)
@mandy123 I will politely decline to go into my thoughts on those things. I see that you have a sort of brand and podcast etc about parenting things. Good for you, hope it is successful, but I don’t want to do a lot of free labor for it.
Best of luck to you!
@mandy123 I can see the general analogy. However, I also see 3 key differences that put military service and SAHPs into completely different categories:
Risk: Even during peacetime, the is an assumed risk when joining the military that given certain circumstances you will be put into a life or death situation. Being a SAHP is hard work, but you’re not putting anything on the line in a way that compares to military service.
Making History/Receiving Honors or Medals:
While I agree that raising the next generation contributes considerably to society, there is a bit of a ceiling on the perceived importance or heroic nature of what we do. Being in the military has made people heroes because of how they acted in extremely difficult and dangerouS situations. The actions of a SAHP aren’t going to make history or be seen as heroic. Even if a parent donated a kidney or died saving their child from the effects of a natural disaster, that is tied into their role as a parent and not specifically to the fact that they stay home. A working parent could do the same.
Working parents take care of their children when they’re not at work, while those who are not in the military have zero involvement in military activities. SAHPs do the same things as working parents, just for more hours of the day. This is why they are not perceived as a special category in the same way as those who serve/served in the military.
But you are saying that by virtue of having a certain set of genitalia, you are biologically more suited to military service or childrearing. How big of you to acknowledge that any sex can be in the military or raise children. You simply caveat that they won’t be very good at the thing they aren’t “gender-coded” for.
I’m not entirely sure what you’re hoping to get out of posting that in this sub, but I don’t think you’re going to find it.
@mem5 Well I can’t see how genitalia would have anything to do with either endeavor.
Are you saying it is unscientific to think there are other, relevant differences (ontologically)?
Or are you saying differences do exist, but that it is immoral to acknowledge or act on those differences (normatively, eg in the interests of equity)?
@mandy123 To be frank, I think this is an incredibly dumb analogy.
I don’t think being an at-home parent holds the same kind of risks and sacrifice that being in the military does. For that reason, I don’t think it warrants the kind of respect given to military members for their service. While I think SAHPs should be respected, it’s just the general respect deserved by any person doing their job and living their life. Should the working parent be treated in the same way as the military? They contribute to the general welfare of society. Some are working by choice, but others are forced to it by circumstance.
Regarding men being more likely to struggle as a SAHP, I believe that is true. But not for any reason you seem to be implying. SAHDs do not have nearly the social and support network established as SAHMs. It is harder to get connected, and SAHDs tend to deal with more prejudice than moms in the SAHP community. Beyond that though, the effectiveness of their parenting is far more impacted by the individual and personality than anything inherently gifted by the X or Y chromosome they were born with.
