Can't Get My Wife Off of Her D*mn Phone

@tobyharba Seeking phone is a comfort, a habit more than anything. Often it's better finding the root of what's causing the anxiety that leads to too much phone.

I wouldn't take it personally, it's very likely a mental defence mechanism.
 
@tobyharba Parents who are addicted to phones will raise children addicted to phones. They're sponges. Hell, I bet young kids will just stare at a remote control because they assume everyone is just looking at bricks, and they're supposed to too. I'm fighting a huge battle with a couple of teenagers who love their phones. My advice is to tell the wife to put it down when the kids are around or be prepared to deal with snap chat, instagram and all other sorts of mind-numbing drama.
 
@tobyharba Wait. You work and she is a stay at home mom. But you still are doing 100% dishes (if she cooks makes sense) 90% of the laundry, and 30 to 50% of food prep. While I agree with helping out when you get home from work. But if she is not taking care of the house and kids. Because she is glued to her phone. I would definitely have a conversation about phone. And phones should not be allowed at the table when eating as a family. There definitely should be clear boundaries concerning phone/electronics use for everyone in the family.
 
@tmfavour Yes. Anything that distracts you from discomfort and pain, when you can’t do anything to fix it, just wait till it get even worse and then, hopefully, get better, - yes you use it as much as it helps.
 
@tobyharba Same boat here. Cracks me up reading these - think our Dad’s did even close to the at-home workload and chores that we do while also working full time jobs? Nope. What a waste quick generational shift.
 
@tobyharba you are the breadwinner and do most of the home chores? That would be a dealbreaker for me.

When my wife stayed home she did all the food/laundary.

snow she is back to work, our house is messier and i end up doing food and sometimes my own laundary. We don’t need her income but it is a mental release for her so i am happy to have her work and i pick up more of the chores.

missed the pregnant part, definitely i picked up the slack at the end of pregnancy, but definitely need a discussion on what you want out of a relationship with her, not just her and her phone
 
@tobyharba I empathize with you on this subject. My gf and I have a 3 yo boy, who is the most energetic monkey I've ever seen (climbing every gate, wall, fence, chair and couch since he was 6 months old). She also has two boys, 11 and 14 yo.

I also WFM and she has been a SAHM since she moved in with me when she was pregnant. Our little one was a month early and also had a rough pregnancy. Fast forward to him being 3, she lives on her phone (Netflix, Hulu, Prime Video, etc..). There are other circumstances involved with her (gambling and drinking) but I told her more times than I can count to put her phone down. I wasn't looking for her to give me attention but give our child attention. When I work, he just wants to come in my office and sit with me. When he isn't with me, he's destroying the house (not just making a mess with his toys). When it was apparent that things weren't changing, I moved my office into the living room where he spent his time and really did double duty with him while I worked.

It's demoralizing to work so hard on maintaining your job performance, keeping the house clean and taking care of the kids to only watch your support system not actual support you. Demoralizing, frustrating, at times infuriating and especially depressing. It's hard to do all that and stay on top of your own well-being.

I don't really have any advice for you that hasn't already been said.. just know that you are not alone. Do everything you can for your kids! If it requires a change in your everyday approach, do whatever it takes. Stay positive and take a day at a time. Enjoy the moments of laughter with the little ones and relish on the marvel of them growing up.

As for my approach, I made her and her two kids leave and kept our little one by myself. For me and him, it's better that way until she gets better. My decision was based on the other circumstances though.

Just be honest with her. Tell her how you feel.. how she makes you feel. Ask her honestly to listen to you and empathize with you. Keep your head up! Hopefully things get better for you.
 
@tobyharba I was like this awhile ago. After talking to a psychiatrist I realized it was a symptom of my severe ADHD and my phone was just helping me cope with it. Getting medication helped A LOT I've been able to put my phone down most of the day and just clean and focus on my kids. I take an antihistamine btw NOT amphetamines. Amphetamines are so bad for you.
 
@tobyharba I gave in and left after three years of a similar issue. She wouldn't take responsibility for the child we created, too busy on Facebook/Instagram and talkin 24/7 to friends.

Now get no access and a shitton of grief trying to get access. Is what it is.

Talk it out with her.
 
@tobyharba higher a cleaner if you got the money. This is the village we have now, you just have to pay for it. Get a nanny for a bit, send the kids to a education center couple times a week.
 
@tobyharba Same here. The only reason I’m ok with it bc my wife does seek a lot of emotional support from friends, all online. The suburbs have been more isolating since 2020 and we just don’t have the income/savings from before pandemic to go out as often or drive off to see other busy parent friends. Hope you can talk it out or gets better for you personally to engage in other ways. Text her, send her memes or articles or videos. Match her style?
 
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