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Boy (Trans) Dad
- Thread starter lookingforhope47
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- dads new dads new parents
@lookingforhope47 Hey!
I have very little insight into the journey of a trans person. Which makes me completely unqualified to provide you any valuable insight into your situation related to your question.
But I am a human being and a parent, which is where this advice is coming from.
Don't worry.
Stress is the biggest enemy to both parents during pregnancy. So try and focus your brain on preparing for the upcoming arrival and not the specifics of what challenges you may face post birth.
Know that this journey you take with your baby and partner, will have it's own story unique to the three of you. There will be some similarities in the challenges that most new parents face but this journey will largely be about the 3 of you.
Love your kid. Use common sense. Be good partners and then good parents. Lean on your support network.
Remember, purge your brain of any thought regarding what "perfection" looks like as a parent. Whether your wanted a girl and ended up with a boy, or that your baby breastfed instead of using formula, or that you only allow your kid 20 minutes of screentime, etc. Just ditch all of that and burn it. Give you and your partner the freedom to learn your baby and the ability to raise that baby how you see fit. You don't need a measuring stick to compare your parenting and child to the journey of others. Just love your kid.
It's selfish of me to say but I don't see you as a transmasc person married to a cis woman. You're just a couple expecting a baby, worried about how best to raise your baby. Going through the very real and very relatable stress of wanting to be the best partner and parent to your new family. So welcome, and congratulations!!
Love your partner, enjoy this moment, trust in yourself and your partner to make good decisions as they come.
Best of luck!
I have very little insight into the journey of a trans person. Which makes me completely unqualified to provide you any valuable insight into your situation related to your question.
But I am a human being and a parent, which is where this advice is coming from.
Don't worry.
Stress is the biggest enemy to both parents during pregnancy. So try and focus your brain on preparing for the upcoming arrival and not the specifics of what challenges you may face post birth.
Know that this journey you take with your baby and partner, will have it's own story unique to the three of you. There will be some similarities in the challenges that most new parents face but this journey will largely be about the 3 of you.
Love your kid. Use common sense. Be good partners and then good parents. Lean on your support network.
Remember, purge your brain of any thought regarding what "perfection" looks like as a parent. Whether your wanted a girl and ended up with a boy, or that your baby breastfed instead of using formula, or that you only allow your kid 20 minutes of screentime, etc. Just ditch all of that and burn it. Give you and your partner the freedom to learn your baby and the ability to raise that baby how you see fit. You don't need a measuring stick to compare your parenting and child to the journey of others. Just love your kid.
It's selfish of me to say but I don't see you as a transmasc person married to a cis woman. You're just a couple expecting a baby, worried about how best to raise your baby. Going through the very real and very relatable stress of wanting to be the best partner and parent to your new family. So welcome, and congratulations!!
Love your partner, enjoy this moment, trust in yourself and your partner to make good decisions as they come.
Best of luck!
twighlight
New member
@lookingforhope47 I have a daughter and a son, and a lot of the pre birth anxiety and worry went out the window at delivery. My wife and I are a great team. You and your partner will have each other to calm the other’s anxieties. There will be challenges, but you will get through them.
Talk to your OB and future pediatrician about circumcision, people who are more knowledgeable. There are pros and cons to everything, including choosing to circumcise or not. My son was circumcised at birth, and it was more or less a week of petroleum jelly and gauze and he healed nicely. He’ll never remember it, and today at 4 months has an amazingly smiley disposition, and all body functions are normal. My best friend and my FIL both were circumcised in adulthood and experienced far more pain and more difficult recovery. I know this is anecdotal, but again, speak to medical professionals and make whatever decision you feel is best for your child and family.
As far as sex or gender of your child, the fact that you’re seeking advice on parenting already shows you care, and while the child’s experience may seem somewhat foreign to you and your partner (which is fair), it will have minimal effect. Love your kid, foster and nurture them, learn when you feel you don’t know something.
You are going to be great parents. Congratulations!
Talk to your OB and future pediatrician about circumcision, people who are more knowledgeable. There are pros and cons to everything, including choosing to circumcise or not. My son was circumcised at birth, and it was more or less a week of petroleum jelly and gauze and he healed nicely. He’ll never remember it, and today at 4 months has an amazingly smiley disposition, and all body functions are normal. My best friend and my FIL both were circumcised in adulthood and experienced far more pain and more difficult recovery. I know this is anecdotal, but again, speak to medical professionals and make whatever decision you feel is best for your child and family.
As far as sex or gender of your child, the fact that you’re seeking advice on parenting already shows you care, and while the child’s experience may seem somewhat foreign to you and your partner (which is fair), it will have minimal effect. Love your kid, foster and nurture them, learn when you feel you don’t know something.
You are going to be great parents. Congratulations!
@lookingforhope47 “Never do anything to my child without their consent” is the dumbest thing…circumcision I understand and that’s up to you whether to do it or not. If not, that’s fine you just have to remember to ingrain in your child that’s pulling the skin back and cleaning it is imperative.
But the whole “never do anything to my child without consent” is dumb…so just to be clear you will not give your child a vaccination without their consent? Will not have tubes put in their ears if they end up with chronic ear infections, without their consent? As a parent, you must decide what’s best for your child when they cannot think for themselves, or when they are not cognitively able to make an informed decision.
But the whole “never do anything to my child without consent” is dumb…so just to be clear you will not give your child a vaccination without their consent? Will not have tubes put in their ears if they end up with chronic ear infections, without their consent? As a parent, you must decide what’s best for your child when they cannot think for themselves, or when they are not cognitively able to make an informed decision.
@lookingforhope47 Lots of people telling you what to do with regard to circumcision.
Ultimately it's your, and your partner's, choice. Do your own research, ask people you trust for advice. As a circumcised man, I never think about it. I have no trauma from it. Again, make the decision for yourself, not what people pressure you into.
Regarding potty training, my son is 4. We taught him to pee sitting down until he started to want to try standing up and had better coordination. Then, it was just having him pee on a tree or a leaf outside. Helps with the mess.
Good luck, enjoy this time and the journey of pregnancy!
Ultimately it's your, and your partner's, choice. Do your own research, ask people you trust for advice. As a circumcised man, I never think about it. I have no trauma from it. Again, make the decision for yourself, not what people pressure you into.
Regarding potty training, my son is 4. We taught him to pee sitting down until he started to want to try standing up and had better coordination. Then, it was just having him pee on a tree or a leaf outside. Helps with the mess.
Good luck, enjoy this time and the journey of pregnancy!
@lookingforhope47 Mum to a toddler girl here. I often (somewhat morbidly) wondered what would happen if I passed and my husband suddenly had to address traditionally female 'issues' without me. Equally, if we had had a boy, what/where would I look for advice on things you typically associate with boys if I ever lost him? Circumcision and how to wee are the obvious; wet dreams and issues associated with puberty are others. Very simple example, my daughter got lice before christmas which she generously gave to me...i watched my husband lovingly (but completely ineffectively) try and comb her hair. It was moments like this that I realised he had never had those experiences - and that is OK.
In my morbid wonderings, I came to the conclusion that I would ask the advice of those closest to me; my family and my closest friends. I hope that you have a trusted support group who you can turn to for things like this if you want to. From there, I would process it and impart the knowledge as best as I could with an emphasis on them being able to ask whatever they wanted. If I didn't know, I would find out. I feel like I may have gone off track a bit here but I guess I'm trying to offer some reassurance that the fear of raising a child of a different sex at birth without that personal experience is possibly more common that you may think. I'm sure you'll be fine and good luck with the impending arrival!
In my morbid wonderings, I came to the conclusion that I would ask the advice of those closest to me; my family and my closest friends. I hope that you have a trusted support group who you can turn to for things like this if you want to. From there, I would process it and impart the knowledge as best as I could with an emphasis on them being able to ask whatever they wanted. If I didn't know, I would find out. I feel like I may have gone off track a bit here but I guess I'm trying to offer some reassurance that the fear of raising a child of a different sex at birth without that personal experience is possibly more common that you may think. I'm sure you'll be fine and good luck with the impending arrival!
@lookingforhope47 A lot of folks here have already said this, but you’re not really far off from cis dads having a boy in terms of experience. I certainly don’t remember being potty trained, so my experience being potty trained as a boy isn’t going to help me potty train my son. While a bit more extensive for you, circumcised dads who aren’t cutting their sons also have explain why their body is different. It’s not really until later that you are maybe at a disadvantage in terms of personal experience. You’ve got time to learn.
Remember, there’s plenty of single moms and lesbian couples raising boys just fine, and single dads and gay couples raising girls just fine. Lack of personal experience with something doesn’t make you any less of a good dad. Congrats and good luck!
Remember, there’s plenty of single moms and lesbian couples raising boys just fine, and single dads and gay couples raising girls just fine. Lack of personal experience with something doesn’t make you any less of a good dad. Congrats and good luck!
ayosandius
New member
@lookingforhope47 Hi! I’ll sorry to hear that you had a bad experience sharing this.
My experience dealing with gender and children is a bit different than yours, but I think some things will translate.
I think you’re worrying about this issue more than you need to. Remember that historically, dads have often been nearly entirely absent from the kind of issues you’re talking about. In the old days men typically did minimal child rearing, so people without penises have been dealing with these issues on their own for millennia. Women did this in the past by learning from other women who were mothers. But as a trans man you’re living in the right time, as mothers groups are much more open to fathers than in the past and fathers groups are becoming more common. So you have some options for support.
As for my personal history here, I’m a trans woman married to a cis woman. We have a 5 year old son. While I was born with a penis, even then it doesn’t always help. Like for example I was circumsized as an infant, so I didn’t know how to actually care for an infant who was not circumsized. You figure it out, and honestly that stuff is some of the simpler stuff. Caring for the entire rest of the child besides their genitals is much trickier. You can do it!
Regarding mothers and fathers groups, I’ve been able to find welcome in both. I’ve typically found fathers groups to be a bit more welcoming, but I think that’s just because where I live it tends to only be very progressive men who join those groups, while mothers groups are a mixed bag.
Also, feel free to reach out to me if you ever need a sympathetic perspective! Those very early years of raising a boy are still fresh in my mind, and my experience navigating parenting life as a trans person is ongoing.
My experience dealing with gender and children is a bit different than yours, but I think some things will translate.
I think you’re worrying about this issue more than you need to. Remember that historically, dads have often been nearly entirely absent from the kind of issues you’re talking about. In the old days men typically did minimal child rearing, so people without penises have been dealing with these issues on their own for millennia. Women did this in the past by learning from other women who were mothers. But as a trans man you’re living in the right time, as mothers groups are much more open to fathers than in the past and fathers groups are becoming more common. So you have some options for support.
As for my personal history here, I’m a trans woman married to a cis woman. We have a 5 year old son. While I was born with a penis, even then it doesn’t always help. Like for example I was circumsized as an infant, so I didn’t know how to actually care for an infant who was not circumsized. You figure it out, and honestly that stuff is some of the simpler stuff. Caring for the entire rest of the child besides their genitals is much trickier. You can do it!
Regarding mothers and fathers groups, I’ve been able to find welcome in both. I’ve typically found fathers groups to be a bit more welcoming, but I think that’s just because where I live it tends to only be very progressive men who join those groups, while mothers groups are a mixed bag.
Also, feel free to reach out to me if you ever need a sympathetic perspective! Those very early years of raising a boy are still fresh in my mind, and my experience navigating parenting life as a trans person is ongoing.
@lookingforhope47 Another trans pre dad here, partnered to a cis woman. We're choosing not to find out the sex before birth, but I think I get where you're coming from, and it's something I've thought about too. So I simultaneously want to reassure you that it really doesn't matter and isn't going to be an issue at all, and tell you that it's totally normal and healthy that you're thinking about it.
At the end of the day, I realized that even stuff like toilet training and diapering are pretty much the same for everyone. We know we would never circumcise, so that's not an issue. And for the rest of it, the social stuff... I think a lot of trans men are unusually well equipped to understand how gender does and doesn't impact childhood and parenting. There's a lot of weird cultural stuff out there about dads and sons (and dads and daughters, and moms and sons, and so on) but that doesn't have to matter in your family. You'll be a good role model to your son, just like you would have been to a daughter. Congratulations!
At the end of the day, I realized that even stuff like toilet training and diapering are pretty much the same for everyone. We know we would never circumcise, so that's not an issue. And for the rest of it, the social stuff... I think a lot of trans men are unusually well equipped to understand how gender does and doesn't impact childhood and parenting. There's a lot of weird cultural stuff out there about dads and sons (and dads and daughters, and moms and sons, and so on) but that doesn't have to matter in your family. You'll be a good role model to your son, just like you would have been to a daughter. Congratulations!
augustcomposure
New member
@lookingforhope47 Your baby has ZERO idea what gender is. Do NOT try to shove your view of gender on your children. Just because you WANTED a girl does not mean you get to treat your SON like one or rather he deserves to be treated that way.
Do not try to start making him wear traditionally “female” clothes or play with female toys just because you wanted a daughter. You need to teach him that he is what he is. He CAN however, CHOOSE what he wants.
And if he does NOT choose to do what is considered feminine, then you need to be okay with it.
Do not try to start making him wear traditionally “female” clothes or play with female toys just because you wanted a daughter. You need to teach him that he is what he is. He CAN however, CHOOSE what he wants.
And if he does NOT choose to do what is considered feminine, then you need to be okay with it.
@augustcomposure You really managed to spin a whole ignorant fictional universe here that has nothing to do with OP's post, wow.
lookingforhope47
New member
@augustcomposure lol… this is so contradictory to my statement. Telling a trans person who is also nonbinary not to gender their child is comical. I am speaking specifically to our kiddos sex assigned at birth and the anxiety I feel about having different equipment. I have no idea how to clean their anatomy, what will come with puberty and have a lot to learn. I know most parents do, but having some personal experience would have given me more solace and confidence.
@augustcomposure Ease off the Fox News, my guy. OP said he’s nervous about having a boy because of unfamiliarity with those genitals. Nothing he said even slightly indicates that he would try to influence his sons gender identity or expression.
augustcomposure
New member
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