BF v FF shame and “attachment theory”

[pastorchrisparker]

Sorry I just posted yesterday but more questions have arose. 1- I need to FF for many different reasons. I know the parents who BF are judge mental and say “breast feeding is optimal” but I’ve been reading on here and it seems like even some doctors are.

I’m very new to this and planning a pregnancy further out, I’m excited this group exists but I’m kind of confused about what’s so “wrong with formula” seems like this day in age (especially) it should be fine.

Just looking for some words of wisdom about how you guys dealt or handled backlash with FF since I’m staring from square one and also will not plan to feed with ANY breast milk from day 1.

Also if you feel obliged to answer. Do you guys know benefits if any of the mothers mental heath with pumping v formula. I know my friends have horror stories about pumping but thought I’d ask a larger group of ppl.

 

[kevinareni]

@pastorchrisparker My second favorite part of formula feeding was how my baby would look me in the eyes with adoration when I gave her a bottle. My first favorite part was watching how my baby would look my spouse in the eyes with adoration when they gave her a bottle.

Oxytocin, the "love hormone" released when breastfeeding, has a half-life of just a couple minutes. The effects are overstated. And besides, it can be released through cuddling too. You aren't going to miss out on any love from your baby formula feeding.

Fwiw, I breastfed for a month, hated it, exclusively pumped until 4mo, then combo fed a couple months, and around 6 or 7 months in I was exclusively formula feeding and also giving baby solid food. Pumping was alright but formula freed me. My baby is 14months now and doing great.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@kevinareni Omg the partner thing is something I’ve been thinking about and that’s so cute. My father used to be a real ass (he has improved with age) and left the feeding to my mom. What I’m really excited about with formula is the amount of time my partner my partner gets feeding with the LO without the stressors of the milk having to come through me. (Look at me picking up on the lingo!)

 

[evan777]

@pastorchrisparker To piggy back off her comment; my daughters grandma LOVES feeding her. Night feeds are way easier (especially with RTF) and I didn't feel like I was stuck to the couch. We got out a lot (before Covid) and were able to do different things without worrying about having to whip out my boob or pump from pain. I believe it saved my sanity honestly. We co-sleep so that might have helped but honestly we're pretty bonded.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@evan777 I’m looking in to co-sleeping. Sounds really great and up my alley. Potentially even amping up that closeness that’s already there!! Haha

 

[evan777]

@pastorchrisparker I didn't think I would She hated her bassinet/crib so she slept on her change pad beside me (queen bed against the wall; husband kicked to spare room) and when as she got bigger just flat on the bed. I honestly have 2 laundry baskets on the bed and use my body to block her in. She also hated swaddles and sleep sacks so just slept in footed pajamas with socks over her hands for the first 6 months of her life.

Edit:

It was awesome for sleep, she would wake so I would sit up and give her a bottle and with the ready to feeds I didn't even have to leave the room. Same with you can measure out water and powder and mix it together in your room in the bottle. I found it much faster, there is a little learning curve with nipple flow sizes.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@evan777 Yeah I’m checking out cribs for beside the bed which seem like a pretty safe option and seems that people are able to soothe their baby as well. This is so funny because I literally did not expect this response and now I’m looking up cribs when I’m like 2 years out

 

[esk]

@kevinareni This about partners!

 

[maramoo]

@kevinareni Thank you for the mention of your partner! I'm new to this sub, and one of the main reasons I want to formula feed is because I want my husband to play an equal role in feeding our child, both to make things easier on me and for the bonding time!

 

[mitosblog]

@pastorchrisparker With my first I tried to breastfeed for 4 months. They were the worst 4 months of my life. I have flat nipples, my daughter had latching issues, reflux, a milk protein allergy, and I had supply issues towards the end and literally starved her for a month. I was miserable. Every tine she fed (and it was a lot because the reflux/spitting up) I would cry, she would cry. Breastfeeding triggered PPD, suicidal and intrusive thoughts. I never bonded with her. Once I finally stopped at 4 months PP and switched to formula, my moods stabilized, my daughter became so much happier, we bonded. It was night and day. A baby will benefit so much more with a happy mother and formula than a mother who is miserable and breastfeeding.

I am a month out from having my second baby, we breastfed for a week and the minute I started having unwelcome thoughts, I stopped. I pumped for a bit but we’ve ultimately switched to formula and we’re much happier.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@mitosblog Thank you! I’m sorry you had to go through that. thanks for sharing it’s so helpful for me.

 

[purplerose1019]

@pastorchrisparker My daughter was FF (7 weeks early, 31 days in NICU. I really wanted to breastfeed. Tried so hard, but my supply never kicked in. 4 months of pumping every 3 hours had me max out at 10 ounces a day...combined). Also, don't feel like you have to explain why you are FF. A completely reasonable response to "why are you FF?" Is " because that is what we decided."

My daughter since she was born has been up my butt and always looks for me when she needs comforting. (She is 2 now.) There are other issues as to why she isn't more attached to her dad (he doesn't make the effort to spend time with her). Your child doesn't need a boob in their mouth to bond with you.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@purplerose1019 Good advice I know I should probably just say “that’s my choice” but everyone has some damn opinion these days, so I’m glad others are more in the “who cares” category. Thank you for sharing! So helpful.

 

[theflower]

@pastorchrisparker Don't get confused with "attachment parenting" and "attachment theory." I'm an RECE and studied attachment theory (among other theories) in college and university. I'm by no means an expert in child psychology, but I'm familiar with attachment theory specifically.

Attachment theory is a documented and studied theory on how young children form and maintain relationships with their primary caregiver(s). It starts with parents but includes all caregivers, like grandparents or childcare. You build a secure attachment with your child by having a loving, consistent, and responsive relationship. Basically, being there when they need you in a positive way. You teach your child that you're there when they need you. In the early days that's going to look like physical proximity - you're physically close to your baby. As the child grows they'll need that physical closeness less and less. You're still going to be their "base" but they won't need to be on you all the time. You can (and will!) form a secure attachment with your baby if you formula feed. Secure attachment is not dependent on nipple contact (that was said in a joking way, text is terrible for jokes haha).

Attachment parenting is... Something I do not believe in. I'm not going to crap all over it, I'm sure it works very well for some people. My sister in law follows attachment parenting and she seems to be doing well. The big thing to remember is you do not have to follow attachment parenting in order to have a secure attachment with your baby. There are absolutely aspects of attachment parenting that can help build a secure attachment, but following Dr Sears as though he's Moses delivering the word of God is not necessary.

When it comes to pumping, I tried it with my first. I was on the same medication you're on (I think we talked on your last post!) and my doctors weren't worried about it being dangerous for my baby. But I found pumping was extremely hard on my mental health. I had a very hard time with it for a few different reasons and ultimately stopped pumping in favour of formula feeding. If it's something you want to try, go for it. You can always stop if it's not for you. If you find it's too much, there's absolutely nothing wrong with switching to formula. You need to take care of you in order to take care of your baby.

Completely anecdotally, I found formula feeding allowed my kids to form a secure attachment not only with me, but with their father too. In the early days your baby needs to be fed, changed, and loved. My partner was able to do all of those. When one of our kids was hungry he could give them what they needed. I think that really helped jumpstart their relationship. Our kids are 1 and 2 now and they've never had a strong preference for either me or my partner, they seek out whichever parent is closest when they're frightened or hurt.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@theflower Thanks for helping me (twice!) I think my biggest thing is your last statement! I love the idea of partner sharing in the process and it has eased my anxiety tremendously to think about it.

 

[nursered]

@pastorchrisparker Breastfeeding is unequivocally and unabashedly overrated.

I’m convinced it’s part of a larger agenda to put women “back in the home,” so to speak, and diminish the modern technological advancements that have allowed us to advance as a gender-class. This is also evidenced by the subsidization of “Breast is Best” () in hospitals all over the world.

Some say this is a feminist act, re-normalizing the “natural” process of breastfeeding in the medical world. But I call bullshit. If they were so concerned with women’s rights and bonding with their newborns in today’s hospitals, we wouldn’t have the enormous issues with coercion, superfluous (and spontaneous) life-threatening procedures, and overall violation of the civil rights of almost every single pregnant woman who comes through their doors. There would be a push for “natural” in every aspect of the obstretic profession, but this is simply not the case. In fact, it is the opposite. With C-section rates rapidly rising, and more babies put into the NICU (for increasingly arbitrary reasons) every day, “natural” does not seem to be an important factor in modern medicine.

As for your mother’s opinions, I relate heavily. My mom is the same way, old hippie, BF advocate. In their day, BF was a radical act. It meant breaking away from the clinical paternalism that told them their bodies weren’t good enough to feed their own offspring. But just as they’ve prepackaged scores of 60s rebellion for modern consumption in the 21st century, this too, has been weaponized against us to aid in capitalist pursuits. All you have to do is look into the salary of any “lactation specialist” to see this is abundantly clear.

Fuck anyone’s ignorant opinion, the facts are pretty glaring.

Breastfeeding is natural.

So is infant death.

In fact, before the invention of formula, babies dying was KINDA the norm. Anyone who wants to go back to that kind of society doesn’t have anything resembling a credible opinion — and I don’t give a single damn what they think of me.

 

[esk]

@nursered I read a quote when I was pregnant, that "breastfeeding is only free if you think a woman's time is worth nothing" and I still think about that a lot.

 

[aimee3915]

@esk Bingo

 

[lordsservant121]

@nursered Love this

ETA: highly recommend the blog of SkepticalOB, she really goes into the history and politics behind this whole movement.

 

[pastorchrisparker]

@nursered Damn you are speaking my love language. Feminist to my core and I always felt like breast feeding WAS a feminist act because my mom is a feminist, but the first wave kind. I don’t prescribe to that shit TBH. I feel this societal push for “all natural, having drugs during pregnancy are bad, you’re not a mother if you formula feed”.

Not to get too political but I see this with a lot of white women and white woman feminism. I’m sure that’s not exclusive but it’s catered to a lot of women who can afford to feed their child the most organic products and can afford lactation specialists and pretty much exclusively get their advice from goop. No offense to goop I have their shampoo.

I’m seeing everywhere and to be honest it confused me but I think you’re right in your points and honestly seeing it in this light makes me feel even more connected to the feminism I believe in.

Thanks for making me feel like this decision is right for me.