Bedsharing Question

[disciplechad]

Hi,
I have 5 month old who I’ve been bedsharing with since they were about 2 weeks old. Also, 95% of their naps are contact naps.
I am slowly working on transitioning naps to being in the pack n play/crib and eventually will start to work on nighttime being in the bassinet/crib. I don’t want to do the cry it out method. Ideally, I would like to do this all gradually.
I guess my question(s) are:
Has anyone successfully transitioned their baby to sleeping independently without it being really difficult/ a lot of tears?
When would you recommend starting the process? I feel guilty for not starting it earlier and I’m just afraid that the longer I wait, the harder it will be.
Thank you

 

[neobondjames]

@disciplechad I'm currently in the process of transferring my 5 month old to the bassinet. I like co-sleeping but I get so achey from not moving at night, so I decided that I would prefer if she slept on her own ASAP. I also want to move her to her own room at some point, so I figured it'd be an easier transition from the bassinet to the cot, rather than the shared bed to the cot. Since she's 5 months old, I was running out of time that she'll fit into the next2me so it was was now or never.

It's going well! It started off transferring her from the bed asleep (this was about 3 weeks ago) where she'd inevitably cry when she woke up, and I would try to soothe her back to sleep for a while. If it became obvious that she definitely wouldn't settle (took a good few nights before she did settle), then I'd put her back in the bed and try again tomorrow. After a while, she was okay with being put in the crib semi awake, and I'd bring her back into the bed after the 4am feed. Just last night, I put her back into the bassinet after the 4am feed, and she went to sleep for nearly the rest of the night! (We had a cuddle in the morning at about 7 - 9 since I wasn't ready to get up).

100% of her house naps (she'll sleep in the pram/car) are contact naps, though; she will not sleep without the boob . So I have yet to tackle that one.

Slow and steady. Familiarity is key!

 

[jreed]

@neobondjames keep us posted

 

[disciplechad]

@neobondjames That’s great! For some reason I never realized that most bassinets were only up to 6 months. I was trying to find a bedside sleeper or a bassinet with a spot that you could unzipper so that i could work on gradually transitioning to the bassinet and pretty much all of them were only up to 6 months. I assumed most were up to a year due to the recommendations of room sharing for the first year but I guess that isn’t the case.

 

[neobondjames]

@disciplechad I've never heard a year, I think at least in the UK the recommendation is to roomshare until 6 months, hence the small bassinets :/. I think a lot of parents who go for a year get themselves set up with a crib in their bedrooms. Or bedshare, of course.

 

[ponka]

@disciplechad It’s definitely not going to negatively impact your baby. Bedsharing creates a secure attachment between caregiver and baby. Even if baby ends up staying in your bed for a year or more, it’s not going to cause negative attachment issues. Like the other commenter said, it’s much easier to explain to an older child and help them to stay in their own bed. But think of this; how many people truly like sleeping alone ? Most of us would prefer to sleep with our significant other. Babies are not unlike adults in that way. Another thing to consider is how you would feel falling asleep on, say, the couch, and waking up in bed with no idea how you got there ? It’s a bit terrifying. Imagine how a small baby feels when they fall asleep safe and secure in their parents arms, and then wakes up in a bassinet or crib all alone ? With no emotional regulation skills. Just my thoughts. No judgement on those who wish to sleep train. I just believe it will happen naturally as a child ages and gains more of their own independence. I have two children and am currently bed sharing with my 5 month old as well, I’m going to let her stay in bed with me for however long she needs, within reason. As this is just a season and one day she won’t even want hugs for a period of time lol.

 

[disciplechad]

@ponka Thank you so much! I will admit I absolutely love the cuddles so it’s like I don’t want to stop contact napping/bed sharing but like everyone else I just want to do the best I can for my baby. It also doesn’t help when family and friends are so focused/ make comments on independent sleep. I just feel like I’m messing up/screwing up the baby. Thank you also for the perspective of waking up and having no idea how you got to a new spot. That makes a lot of sense.

 

[ponka]

@disciplechad People are going to continue to judge your choice on bedsharing, there’s just nothing that can be done about that, aside from standing strong in your choice as your babys parent on how to parent them. You know what’s best for your child. The older generations had doctors and all sorts of “professionals” pressuring them into thinking it’s the way one should raise their children. Most of those professionals stood to gain monetarily from promoting independent sleep. Sales of cribs and accessories, etc. So there’s really no point in trying to change their opinions. Humans are still mammals and it’s biologically so natural to keep our babies close during the most vulnerable time in our day-sleep. As long as you’re following the safe sleep 7, baby is much safer sleeping beside you.

 

[sictek]

@disciplechad I can only address your guilt about not starting independent sleep sooner. We bed share with our 3 year old still. Recently we worked on transitioning to him sleeping with my husband in a separate bed from me as we have a newborn. At his age we've been able to talk about the transition and I believe that has made it so much easier. We had a few nights of tears but supported him through them. If your only concern is creating a bad/permanent habit let me reassure you that you aren't! It's so much easier with an older child.

 

[disciplechad]

@sictek Thank you! I’m just nervous about it negatively impacting my baby. Can I ask what have you guys done for naps and what did the bedtime routine look like? Right now my baby will fall asleep on me for bedtime while my husband and I are hanging out in the living room and then we will all go to bed around 9ish (baby and I sleep in the guest room and my husband sleeps in our room).

 

[sictek]

@disciplechad At that age we really did just what you guys are doing, except my husband slept in the bed with us. Around a year we sort of arbitrarily we started a bedtime routine involving getting into pajamas, singing, and a bedtime story. Then nurse to sleep. I often read or watched something on my phone or just accepted the opportunity to rest. I can't remember when I started practicing rolling away after nursing him to sleep, but that was helpful too in case I ever needed to get something done during a nap. Now that we're splitting up each with a kid, I do a short nursing session and then husband does the rest of the routine. It works pretty well for us!!

 

[jakoblaj]

@disciplechad I did/ have been doing this my 9 month old. She really didn’t nap in her crib until 8 months. She just suddenly started to let me transfer her. She’d even slightly wake up every time I’d put her in and twist her body so she could sleep on her stomach. Sometimes she resists the transfer and when that happens I will nurse her to sleep on the floor bed.

At night she easily transfers to her crib. I nurse her to sleep and then put her in. She still wakes up a few times a night and depending on my energy I will either nurse her and put her back in the crib or sleep on the floor bed with her. It’s been a very gradual shift, I basically am just following her lead and doing what she will allow without tears.

 

[disciplechad]

@jakoblaj That’s great! I really would like to follow my baby’s lead. I’m just afraid that they won’t want to transition independently.
Also, this past week my baby has been really fussy. We haven’t had any success with transferring while drowsy or even between that 15-20 min mark after falling asleep. My baby also hasn’t been tolerating being put down as well like they still do great with tummy time/ us playing on the floor but when I go to put them in the pack in play real quick or the bouncer for a little bit to change the laundry over, they’ll cry after a few minutes.

 

[skoomaki]

@disciplechad I have had success in this, and with a baby who absolutely would not transfer and would only contact nap. What I will say is that every baby is ready at their own pace for this transition and it's all about tiny steps. I spent weeks in each phase of this.

1) I put the crib mattress on top of our bigger cosleeping mattress so that he got used to the feel of the mattress while still laying next to me. This was only for naps and I spent the whole nap with him. Did not do this at night.

2) Eventually moved the crib mattress into the crib but side-carred the crib (took off one side and had the big bed pushed against in flush). I would basically get into his crib to cuddle and the roll into my bed to sleep.

3) Got further and further away from his crib while it was still in side car so he got used to me just laying beside him not touching him. Would still pat him to soothe as needed.

4) BIG shift happened around 8 months when he started being able to put the soother in his mouth. After a couple of times finding it and falling back asleep it gave me a whole new confidence in his ability to soothe himself.

5) Put the crib rails back on. So now we were transferring him into the crib. At this point he would go in drowsy but awake. Then I would still lay on my bed beside him as usual in my typical spot and pat him as needed.

6) Moved crib to his own room and set up a floor mattress for me beside him.

7) Pack and play naps in his room. We had a couple of rough days but he adjusted pretty quickly because he was used to his room at that point. I got a mattress topper though cause who wants to sleep on that horrible pack n play mattress.

I still give him a bottle in the night at 10 month old, usually around 4 am, and he sleeps with me on the floor mattress in this early morning, but he will do 7-8 hours in there now on his own. He has 3-4 soothers in there to help him transition sleep cycles.

But so what feels right for you. If it's other people's perceptions you are worried about, people will judge nomatter what. And other people will support you nomatter what. Listen to those who will support. It's your baby so you know what's best. If you want to keep co sleeping, your baby will still grow up to be a teenager who hates mornings and doesn't want too many cuddles lol everyone wants their independence eventually.

Good luck!

 

[jreed]

@skoomaki putting the crib mattress on top of your own is genius! will try that!

 

[disciplechad]

@skoomaki Thank you so much! Those are great ideas. Is a soother a pacifier or something different?

 

[skoomaki]

@disciplechad It is a pacifier