@debbs3692 No, when someone has a 2nd child I don't think they must love being parents. I think "One more who gives in to societal pressure" and wonder how much the only child stigma played a part in this. Because let's be honest, most people have a second for fear of raising an only child. They might be overwhelmed already, but feel they must provide a sibling.
Baby #2 Posts
- Thread starter debbs3692
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@debbs3692 Yes, lol. I have felt this exact same way. Both of those things in the same order— could’ve written this!
What I’ve learned is that it’s easier to accept these feelings without shame. Surprisingly, in this sub, I don’t see a lot of conversation around this. Your feelings are valid. It is a completely normal reaction to look around and see that other families are on similar tracks and yours is different and ask yourself, why? And given that the track you/we are NOT taking is the one that is celebrated and deemed as normal, it is also completely understandable for us to look at ourselves and say “well hold on then, what’s “wrong” with me?”
And here’s the thing: maybe they are struggling more than they show, maybe some of them are not truly happy and maybe some of them have easier kids, more support, luckier physically in terms of labor and delivery and recovery, fewer sensory sensitivities, trauma they have to heal from etc etc.
My point is that there doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with us. But yes it’s completely possible that some people have been dealt a better hand luck wise or whatever you want to call it. Life is very unfair. A lot of times that phrase is used to shut people down , but let’s let it open us up. Given that life’s unfair, and some people are born rich, and some people are born sick, and some people have full time nanny’s etc, what can we do? I think all we can do is take our circumstances and make the best of them. That’s what a lot of us do by choosing OAD or not choosing it but making the conscious choice to make something positive out of it.
So basically,.. yeah. Our feelings are valid. It is unfair that some people have it easier. Although it may not be as many as it seems. It’s normal to wonder what would be different for us if things were… different. We all do this for various parts of our life. And there’s nothing wrong with us at all
What I’ve learned is that it’s easier to accept these feelings without shame. Surprisingly, in this sub, I don’t see a lot of conversation around this. Your feelings are valid. It is a completely normal reaction to look around and see that other families are on similar tracks and yours is different and ask yourself, why? And given that the track you/we are NOT taking is the one that is celebrated and deemed as normal, it is also completely understandable for us to look at ourselves and say “well hold on then, what’s “wrong” with me?”
And here’s the thing: maybe they are struggling more than they show, maybe some of them are not truly happy and maybe some of them have easier kids, more support, luckier physically in terms of labor and delivery and recovery, fewer sensory sensitivities, trauma they have to heal from etc etc.
My point is that there doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with us. But yes it’s completely possible that some people have been dealt a better hand luck wise or whatever you want to call it. Life is very unfair. A lot of times that phrase is used to shut people down , but let’s let it open us up. Given that life’s unfair, and some people are born rich, and some people are born sick, and some people have full time nanny’s etc, what can we do? I think all we can do is take our circumstances and make the best of them. That’s what a lot of us do by choosing OAD or not choosing it but making the conscious choice to make something positive out of it.
So basically,.. yeah. Our feelings are valid. It is unfair that some people have it easier. Although it may not be as many as it seems. It’s normal to wonder what would be different for us if things were… different. We all do this for various parts of our life. And there’s nothing wrong with us at all
melaninzombie
New member
@debbs3692 I absolutely feel the second part. I feel like my SO and I have it so much harder because we don’t have any help other than occasionally his sister but we have to pay her for everything. My family is out of state and his family is kinda useless (tbh so is mine). I get so jealous of people who have a village and have the option to have more than one. I’m pretty happy to be one and done but I kinda have to be, I couldn’t physically or mentally have another. I remember a friend who had her kid after me asked when I was planning my second, she ended up getting pregnant again before her first turned one. I didn’t start getting my sanity back until mine was close to 3. So yea you aren’t alone in how you feel, idk how people do it. A single mom I know just had her third and I’m like HOW?!
@debbs3692 Sometimes, and mine is 5. The sad thing is, it makes me feel like less of a mom somehow. Everyone in our new parents group has more than one, some are going on 3. Like, why was it so hard for me?
But… I don’t have the support they do. I had very little help, no family close & my husband traveled a lot.
Sometimes I want a second, but less and less. My MIL will say, “imagine multiples” like I’m basically not a parent or what I went thru wasn’t hard. It’s lonely sometimes.
But… I don’t have the support they do. I had very little help, no family close & my husband traveled a lot.
Sometimes I want a second, but less and less. My MIL will say, “imagine multiples” like I’m basically not a parent or what I went thru wasn’t hard. It’s lonely sometimes.
istherehelp
New member
@debbs3692 Ive not even given birth yet and I know I am one and done. I know I am not good with change so I am dreading post partum - hoping I don’t crash and burn. I definitely want to experience motherhood but on easy mode 
and I feel like having 1 only keeps that a possibility. Not to mention trying to conceive this baby almost killed me (literally) 2 ectopic pregnancies, and also 3 miscarriages. I’ve dedicated enough of my life to trying to have a baby.
and I feel like having 1 only keeps that a possibility. Not to mention trying to conceive this baby almost killed me (literally) 2 ectopic pregnancies, and also 3 miscarriages. I’ve dedicated enough of my life to trying to have a baby.katrina2017
New member
@debbs3692 All I think is : potty training. Never again.
@debbs3692 If I was younger, sure I'd likely have agreed to more kids, but we had ours a bit later (36). Sometimes I wonder what it could have been like and the comments and pressures affect me, but I know my own limits.
sallywillow
New member
@debbs3692 Definitely! It makes me wonder if I’m not the mom i thought I was going to be. Seems like they all found a way to make it all work hitch free while I’m still trying to survive the terrible twos.
hisnameisjesus
New member
@debbs3692 Same feelings. I’m not jealous or wanting a second at all, but I feel “a way” about people whose first is younger than mine (just turned 3) and they have already had a second or announced a pregnancy
shawn1234567
New member
@debbs3692 I have these thoughts that I would have another one if I was a better person with more patience. But I am not so in order to be the best mom I can to my son I chose to stop at one. I would never survive the chaos of two kids or more.
@debbs3692 I’m a fence sitter- if we are OAD it will be at least 50% because of our fertility issues. I used to feel a stab of jealousy at every 2nd child post, and still feel a twinge, but now that I’ve had a close up look at many friends with a first the same age as mine and now a 2nd… man life is pretty perfect with our one. The flexibility is amazing. At this point I wonder why people who don’t have fertility problems and could have another whenever don’t wait until their first is 3 or 4. So much easier.
katrina2017
New member
@debbs3692 My son is turning 7 so those posts have now turned into posts about how difficult their second child is now as a 3/4 year old and I’m sure glad I never gave into the pressure to have another back then.
@debbs3692 I can't imagine what part is easy. Raising a child ISN'T easy. Especially when they are so close on age. Toddler doesn't want to sleep, baby is sick, one kid wants to do this the other doesn't. No thank you.
hiplainsthrifter
New member
@debbs3692 I always see people with multiple children and then reflect on how bad I’m currently struggling (terrible 2’s whoo). It does make me feel deficient because I wouldn’t say we had the worst baby/toddler experience. Part of me wonders if it might be because of how introverted I am.
@hiplainsthrifter I am an introvert too. I need some time to myself each day, away from my husband and child. I love both with everything that I am, but my personality still has its needs to be alone. Having more than one would make this an impossibility, and it's not worth my mental health, or possibility of a broken spirit, to have another child.
bettyperson
New member
@debbs3692 I could have written this!!
Then I look over at my perfect (spunky, opinionated, independent, sassy) little girl and realize that she’s amazing and all I need. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it, and she’s an amazing kid. I don’t need anything else.
Then I look over at my perfect (spunky, opinionated, independent, sassy) little girl and realize that she’s amazing and all I need. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it, and she’s an amazing kid. I don’t need anything else.
@bettyperson I feel the same. As others have said, I feel like I hit the jackpot and could not be luckier to be the parent to this amazing child. We have our ups and downs, but I feel blessed to get to raise her.
trulyunsure
New member
@debbs3692 I sorta want a second and my husband doesn’t. But realistically we can’t, my health is likely to drastically worsen if we have a second. A couple of my friends have had their seconds already and one friend is due in late summer. I’ll get to see/ hold their babies and that helps a bit.
I had a difficult pregnancy and recovery and the first 18 months were awful to rough.
I had a difficult pregnancy and recovery and the first 18 months were awful to rough.
@debbs3692 This is going to be a giant cliché but here it is anyway....comparison is the thief of joy! Everyone has their own journey and experiences in life so try not to let someone else's experience take away from or devalue your own! Parenting is hard and expensive and I am sure you are an amazing kick ass mom to your child. You don't need to have more then one for that to be true or valid.
@debbs3692 I get jealous and sad when I hear of people having another baby. Part of me wants another one so bad but another part of me can't imagine doing all this again, it took me 2 years to find day care and I finally got a full time job again I couldn't imagine doing all of this again. I wish we could afford to have another one, I live in Australia and it's not looking very good for the future atm plus I had a terrible pregnancy I was sick all 9 months and bad migraines plus now I'd be doing it with a toddler but if I had family to help I probably would have another one, we are hours away from family and my husband works too much to really help out