@evilbeans We have very close friends who have two kiddos. We were all hanging out and throwing some back when the topic of us not having another came up. They both look at us and said "Listen to me. Don't do it. DO NOT DO IT." Which turned into a 45 min tipsy discussion about regretting their choice and all of the reasons why their life would have been easier with just one. They love their kids immensely and we are all so enamored with their second. But they admit that it is much, much harder than they ever thought.
I think people have more regrets than they'd ever admit.
@benedict87 My husband’s siblings that have two totally scared him off of having another. Theirs are two years apart and both made it sound like a living hell. I think when people are really honest with themselves, they see the benefit of being OAD. We took their advice and love our lives with our now almost 6 year old son. It’s not easy but it’s totally manageable and we get to enjoy every moment with him.
@evilbeans Not thinking of OAD as an option. Sad but likely true. The reality is it likely wasn't an easy first leading to a decision to have another, but the societal pressure you mention.
@debbs3692 Saaaaame man. I am 3000% convinced I did not have anything near a similar experience to "most" mothers, especially those that have a second. In the early days (entire first year lmao) I remember people trying to like sympathise with me like "oh it's so hard isn't it, you just can't prepare/expect it" and I completely brushed it off because no fuckin way do they understand if they DID IT AGAIN WILLINGLY.
So yeah I frankly find it harder to relate and befriend other parents because it's like we have less in common than I do with childfree people. At least they don't question my experience or try to educate me about tHe fOuRtH tRimEstEr (that lastsed 12 months???)
@debbs3692 I had a relatively easy baby but struggled hard with mental health and am OAD. No pets either.
Meanwhile my friend got pregnant around the same time, had preclampsia, a preemie in the NICU, exclusively pumped, had a crazy dog and got ANOTHER crazy puppy for the first dog to play with during the newborn phase, kid walked at 8 months and can and does climb everything. She just had her second. Two under two. It's pure chaos ... and the fam couldn't be happier.
@debbs3692 Yessss mine is two and um, basically everyone with kids around the same age is pregnant or has a baby. I see it and I'm like I just think about their core, back, and pelvic floor....like I'm at a point where I feel almost normal again after pregnancy. Like, I just reached this point, and part of that was months of physical therapy.
I'm lucky with my experience too, though I had some hypertension and flirted with postpartum preeclampsia, there was never a time I was worried for my survival or future ability to live a normal life.
@icemaster108 So happy you mentioned pelvic floor and core/back. I had a c section last May and have spent months seeing a series of specialist including a physical therapist whom I’m still seeing. I wonder the same thing when I see people having babies back to back. I ask all my friends have they evaluated their pelvic floor and everyone says no. Our bodies go through so many changes with pregnancy and takes time to nurture back to health.
@artsy13 Yes, I don't know anyone else in my circle who's done PT, and it's impossible that none of them need it. For me it was totally necessary to resume what I consider a normal life - regular pelvic (and yes, bathroom stuff) function and physical activity without pain. I just can't imagine what their bodies are going through having additional pregnancies on a musculoskeletal system that's already not at full functioning capacity.
@debbs3692 Totally. I wish I felt like I could handle a second and it makes me sad sometimes. It would be nice to have two but at a certain point I just have to trust that I know myself and my limits.
@debbs3692 I'm OAD not by choice, but the newborn and baby stage was hell for me. My neighbor just had her 2nd and she's always sooo put together and today when I saw her she was completely drained and exhausted. Her 1st was a sleep through the night unicorn. This baby is not. She of course loves her baby, but she's freakin out. Today was one of the 1st times I was truly at peace with being OAD. I really couldn't go without a whole night's sleep for 2 years straight like I did for my only!!
@debbs3692 You're assuming they did it on purpose... More than 50% of pregnancies are unplanned! Maybe they weren't totally wanting a second, either, but decided to roll with it?
@debbs3692 I am OAD not by choice so these social media posts can be really hard for me. I'm always happy for them but it can definitely pinch a nerve when scrolling unexpectedly on a break and see one.
It makes me really think about social media and what I feel comfortable sharing in the future and what I regret posting in the past.
@debbs3692 Also remember that these announcements are what you're seeing from social media. What really happened when the initially found out could have been 100% opposite the way they feel now. We never know someones full story. With social media we're only seeing the highlight reels.
@debbs3692 It’s just priorities. I LOVE my daughter to infinity and I feel a completeness in my family. We are pragmatic people who had our only later in life than most (40 and 42) and we would like to travel, enjoy our home, and retire while we can still have lots of fun adventures. One is perfect.
@debbs3692 I absolutely understand your feelings. But then I have an acquaintance and she always said they would have two kids. She's had her first roughly one year after me. I told her how I struggled and she always was like it can't be that bad etc and how easy I have it as my mom helped me out so i could start working full time almost right after birth.
She's almost six months in and keeps complaining and how she has to do all of this once more and how she's doubting her decision of having two. Whenever I mention that she doesn't have to do it she usually either says "my oldest deserves a sibling, i have to think what's best for them" or "i planned in two and now I'm having two, i can still get therapy after" (i suggested therapy to help her figure out what she truly wants).
@debbs3692 My only is 2.5 and sometimes I feel like that, but it quickly goes away because I know that I absolutely cannot do it all again. Some people can and good for them. Honestly, I don't envy them, the thought of having another fills me with dread. I can't wait till my daughter is old enough to start travelling around the world again.
