Are my concerns not worth choosing not to have another, and will I regret it?

[jello123]

Edit: if my title double negative makes no sense, I think I agree with you, sorry.

I posted in oneanddone, and I think it very much firmly pushed me into the one and done camp. If interested,

https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/10r2ri0/accidentally_came_to_terms_with_oad_will_i_regret

However it would be nice to hear some differing perspectives to help navigate these feelings. Our daughter is currently 5yo.

Why we want to have another child:

• We absolutely adore our daughter and the three of us love going on roadtrips and vacations, new places and new experiences, taking up hobbies together, experiments - we would love to share those with another member of our little family
• Our daughter loves children of all ages and loves babies. Every time she sees an infant or a toddler, I get the "can I have a sister? What about a brother?" questions. I think she would be an amazing big sister and would have a lot of fun with a baby sibling

Why maybe we simply shouldn't:

• sounds like our first was a "unicorn baby" and when I say we had no issues whatsoever, I mean it. She was the easiest baby and is a very easy going child. I went back to work, from home, when she was 6 weeks old, and it was very easy. She entertained herself when I had calls, I breastfed her during meetings and she napped most of the day. She was home with me working for four years, and it was just frankly very easy. She's independent, she understood when she had to be quiet and when she could run around and do whatever. I will have to do the same with #2, and the chances of an "easy baby" are probably overall slim. I am very worried about juggling a needier and fussier baby, and I highly prefer not to use daycares for the first couple of years.
• we have a lot of travel plans and possibly moving abroad plans, and they'd have to be postponed with a baby. I don't really want to postpone them, and I don't want to travel with a baby for prolonged periods of time and too far either.
• we're currently affording plenty of time and money onto all sorts of activities and experiences, and with one kid juggling schedules is easy. We just won't be able to do that with two, to the same extent at least. Our only daughter can get so many more resources toward her development and growth than if it were split between two.
• I am dreading the possibility of health issues. None run in the family genetically, but I worry that we'll have regrets if our younger will have special needs that we currently don't have to consider when we plan things. I don't know if that's just awful or selfish or paranoid or all of the above, but it's been on my mind a lot. I'm worried about having our lives upended and our oldest getting less of our attention just due to circumstances outside of her control.
• I am generally leaning toward our lives currently being significantly better than they were when we were single, and when we were childless, but very specifically as of right now, when she turned 4.5 or so. However, our lifestyle and plans tidy up very neatly with our daughter's personality, interests, and involvement; she likes the same things we do (and generally is open to everything, except food - working on that). I'm really not certain that I want to put all of that on the back burner for another five years, and at the end of that day, our kids could end up being into totally different things and might not even like each other. It's a bit of a, don't fix it if ain't broken attitude.

At the end of the day, we've planned to have another child, and up until I was planning our summer vacation a week ago, the extent of our reluctance can be summarized as, "I just hope I'm not 7 months pregnant when we do X, that would suck, but otherwise let's hope for a positive test this month." However, my feelings are evolving from wishing we already had one, and preferably much closer in age, to realizing that maybe we just really shouldn't have another one at all. I do also worry that we'll regret it when we're older and will no longer want to go through a pregnancy.

Does it seem like I'm justifying something too much (one and done reasons) that are probably suggesting it's a subconscious feeling as well as conscious? Or does it seem like I'm making up excuses to not have another child because maybe we just didn't have another one when we hoped - and obviously we've had issues conceiving a second, otherwise I wouldn't be asking this particular question.

 

[kik899]

@jello123 My daughter will be a few weeks shy of 5 when this one is born. My pro/con list was nearly identical to yours minus the very easy baby, my daughter wasn’t difficult, but she wasn’t as chill as yours sounds.

What ultimately put us to “yes” was the feeling that we’d regret not having another. Yes, we may not love going back to the newborn stage but we know we will love and will not regret another child - we’ll never wish they didn’t exist once we know them. We felt we could very much regret not having one down the road. I’m already 37 so we’re pushing the limit of when I feel comfortable being pregnant so that was also a factor for us.

Only you and your husband know what is right for your family. Either choice can be the right one.

 

[jello123]

@kik899 I definitely understand the feeling of impending regret. If you'd have asked me a couple of years ago, I absolutely would have said I'd regret not having another.

I think my problem is that I'm not sure I'll regret not having another child at all. My philosophy for things that upset or anger or frustrate me is to ask myself if I think I'll even give a shit in five years. It helps me put things in perspective. I'm trying to put that approach, sort of, to this decision, and I can't think of any reasons, currently, why I'll have had regretted being OAD in five years. But you know, maybe, and then it'll be a bit too late, especially on dad's end age wise.

I can think of so so many reasons I could end up regretting having a second, but they're just as I wrote in the OP - they're what-ifs. Technically our second little one could be just perfect (and ya know, my daughter is just perfect, that's what I mean by that. Though the kid really needs to expand her palate).

I'm getting the sense that if I don't have any pangs of really, really wanting to have a second child, maybe it's better we don't. Of course we can always reconsider, change our minds, and all that, but we're really sitting here planning our future and I think if we make the decision to postpone indefinitely, it will likely never happen.

 

[kik899]

@jello123 TW: Loss

This response may make me look bad, but you just sound so much where I was a year ago I’ll type it out in case it helps. My intent is not to sway you.

We weren’t a resounding, jumping up and down yes when we started trying for the second. We set a time limit - if I wasn’t pregnant by 37 we’d stop, we wouldn’t do any kind of fertility support or treatment. Natural or not at all. That gave us about 6 months to try. I got pregnant first cycle, the universe has a sense of humor I guess. I wasn’t excited about that pregnancy. Even when I knew I was pregnant I put off taking the test until multiple days after my missed period, I wasn’t anxious or excited. That was very weird for me because I have always been compulsive about OPKs, BBT and testing when trying to get pregnant. I lost that pregnancy in July 2022 at 10 weeks. I’m a few weeks from what ought to have been my due date.

I thought that feeling meant we had made a horrible mistake in our choice. In hindsight I think my lack of enthusiasm was me somehow knowing the pregnancy wasn’t viable (triploidy). But it really threw in to sharp relief how much we envisioned our family as a family of 4. We were devastated, far more than either of us expected to be. I don’t think we’d have had that clarity if we hadn’t had our loss.

When we started trying again we were more enthusiastic but it wasn’t the same as trying for our daughter. I’ve talked to a lot of second+ time Moms about that and what I’m hearing from them is that’s normal. One of them put it really well in saying that it’s different with a second child because with the first you knew nothing, you were just waiting to meet them. Now you know your first and all the quirks and personality and little things that make you adore them. But the second baby is still a stranger, you haven’t gotten to know and adore them yet. I liked that partly because I think it’s true, partly because it made me feel like less of an awful mother to the one I’m currently incubating (I’m 11w, if we lose this pregnancy we have decided we are done).

I don’t know if this helps at all and I don’t think waiting a little longer to see if clarity comes is a bad thing. Maybe try to think about how you’d feel if you got a positive test? Or if you ended up in my situation with a loss. You seem very aware of your feelings and self reflective, maybe thinking about the second child from their perspective instead of the perspective of impact on your first may offer more clarity? I wish you and your family the very best in this decision.

 

[jello123]

@kik899 Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I am not certain which part of it could possibly make you look bad. That's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry your family had to go through that experience.

I have absolutely no idea how I would have felt in your shoes. We have such an odd history, where I went off birth control after we had the "are we doing it? Oh we're doing it. We are? Oh my we are" talk, and I immediately got pregnant. We frankly assumed it was going to be the same thing when we decided it's time for number two, but here we are. Just ain't happening.

I can say, though, that if I had a positive test today, I'd be panicking in a bad way. Purely out of logistical planning reasons. I'll be too pregnant for a trip we'll be making, can I even go? Should we cancel my portion and our daughter and I will stay home? Should I swing it but be prepared to give birth in France, does travel insurance cover that?

The thing is that this wouldn't be an outlier. There are so many times that I was dreading accidentally finally getting pregnant, for various reasons. And that's just when I thought about it.

If I got pregnant six months ago, I think I'd be dreading it then too. If I get pregnant in six months, I will probably be panicking then. There's always a reason, but I'm realizing that if it were 3-4 years ago, I'd be ecstatic. 2 years ago even. But now it's just daunting. There's so much stuff we're finally doing and I will be genuinely upset to see it derail.

And we would absolutely have this baby if it somehow happened anyway right now during this yet another "bad time". If that pregnancy resulted in a loss, there is absolutely no way I would try again. There are just so many things that in my head could go wrong, I'm already just unsure I even want to try. I have only started feeling this way after we just didn't conceive despite trying for quite a while, albeit not very hard in that we weren't tracking anything and life is busy, AND really thinking about whether it's even right for us.

For the record, I always wanted to foster children. My reason for wanting children through my entire life has been to show kids how amazing things can be, how fascinating the world around us is, and how much stuff out there is just beautiful. I wouldn't foster while our child(ren) are young, but my husband backs me up on this option in our future, perhaps when our(s) is in high school or later. I wonder if this is our best second chance, with you know, benefits all around to boot.

 

[kik899]

@jello123 It sounds like you know what you want and you’re seeking validation because it isn’t The Plan you had, or even what you would have wanted a few years ago.

When my husband and I got married we didn’t want kids. That changed over time, we were married 8 years before our daughter was born. That doesn’t mean our initial decision to not have children was wrong, and it doesn’t mean our eventual decision to have children was wrong - both choices were right for the people we were at that time. I wouldn’t change our choices or our timeframe.

As people we are always growing and changing. Our feelings and opinions and needs and wants change as we move through different stages in our lives. You sound like you love the life you have now, it’s ok to say that you don’t see another child meaningfully amplifying the joy you already feel. It’s ok to be happy deviating from The Plan.

Embrace who you and your husband are now: as individuals, as a partnership, as parents to a child who is obviously adored, as the precursors to who you want to become.

ETA: We have a couple that are very dear friends. They got to the same point as you and me with deciding on a second. They chose not to and they’ve never looked back. They are immensely happy with their daughter, you remind me of them.

 

[jello123]

@kik899 Definitely seeking a form of validation. I've seen posts for various topics where it was obvious that the OP was just coming up with excuses (at least from what's written), and I was hoping for a sanity check on my maybe doing the same. Similarly, none of this is set in stone, and I internalize things I hear from people over time and I really appreciate the responses, rationales, and experiences shared, because this is feeling a bit like whiplash. Even a month ago my husband and I were firmly in the have-another-baby camp.

I'm trying to understand whether my feelings are brand new swings, or something that's been culminating for a while and only now became clear. Your comments have given me a lot to think about, as well as others. It's just a lot.

 

[josephahmed]

@kik899 Yup. Same! And my daughter was five. We even had to do IVF for the second which added to it all. But yes, my pro/con was similar and you described the feeling exactly

 

[katrina2017]

@jello123 I’m OAD/on the fence. You had way more than an “easy baby.” I’m not sure if you are even describing a baby. I had an “easy baby” but I sure as hell could not have worked from home with no childcare. It’s a roll of the dice and your child was in the top 1% of babies in term of chill, and maybe genetics mean the odds are slightly in your favor, but it is extremely unlikely you will have a baby like this again. Have you been around other babies for extended periods of time? Maybe do some “research” before thinking you can go without daycare/nanny.

Also, I too worry about have a child with special needs or medical issues. I wanted to be a mom so badly I was willing to accept the risk, but now that I am one already, it seems like too high of a risk to accept when my life is just as I wanted it. I have seen the struggle up close and it just is so much harder in every way.

But it seems like you have money, a good parter (no mention of him or her so I assume things are good and your partner is fine either way?), but you don’t mention having help. The friends with multiples with family help or career nannies/house cleaners seem to be doing OK, but those without really struggle.

 

[jello123]

@katrina2017 Oh that bad? I assumed that she was the epitome of an easy baby, even then I kinda figured she was just super chill, but I didn't realize it was that unusual. Figured other babies have colic and yeah I don't know I'll stop talking. Sounds like we really lucked out, and she's a very easy going 5 year old too. When a tantrum starts she agrees she's tired and puts herself to bed sort of thing (but not before brushing her teeth and saying I love you). I am not sure I'm mentally prepared for anything different, I'm so used to it.

We don't have any help. My husband and I are doing wonderfully, money is not an issue which is another blessing of course, but family is a plane ride away and I guess it's obvious that we don't have any friends with children, at least of roughly the same age, either. We just do our thing and consider the three of us our little family, everyone else we see every a couple of times a year maybe.

I'm very concerned about special needs. Another thing we thankfully just hadn't had to take into consideration, but it's one of my big cons because it would really change the dynamic that we've grown to love. I know I would overcompensate and do absolutely everything in my power to do the best in that situation, but it would definitely not be a net positive. I know it sounds awful. It does nonetheless terrify me.

 

[katrina2017]

@jello123 I made up the 1% figure just because I have never met a mom who described the situation you breezed through, but yes I would say it’s very unusual. But in a good way of course!

I think planning to pay for help would be part of the decision process. Research nanny costs, postpartum doula costs? So many moms are surprised by how much harder it is to have two. But your 5 year old sounds like a dream, so maybe it won’t be so hard to have two, but you could just have an average temperament baby and find that really hard by comparison.

You sound like a really loving mom and the best part is I think you’ll be happy either way. You have money, a supportive husband, and have a happy life. I think a kind of compromise given that it sounds like you could afford IVF, but aren’t desperate for a second, is to continue trying naturally and if it doesn’t happen, don’t go any further medically. As for having a special needs child, the NIPT can screen for the most common genetic issues and then at 20 weeks the anatomy scan can tell you other things. Not that it’s a guarantee, but many of the most life altering conditions can be screened for. You and your husband can also to genetic treating for recessive disorders before you get pregnant- it is relatively cheap and easy and can give you more peace of mind.

 

[jello123]

@katrina2017 Yeah I will definitely rebalance the budget to see how this would work with additional help. I presume I'd go the nanny route, but I mean that's over $3k a month for 5 hours a day, assuming $30 an hour which is probably on the low end. We can do so much with $3k a month lol. Ugh.

I did do NIPT screening despite my OB's objections, it was nice to have that peace of mind. It's the stuff that you can't really screen for that causes the doubts. I do appreciate though that without family history of such things (that we know of), the odds aren't great. But you know, it's always very very possible.

I think based on the many suggestions so far, we'll sit on it for a little bit. I'm curious to see what my feelings will be when we're on an extended trip abroad and we try to imagine what it would have been like if we had a baby with us, or even a toddler. Even just assuming it's a mini version of our daughter tagging along will be interesting. When you're plopped down at home in the winter, having a lil baby doesn't seem so bad.

 

[lashepard]

@jello123 Why did your OB object? I am waiting on results for mine and it seemed to be completely expected, par for the course, why would anybody consider skipping it.

 

[jello123]

@lashepard "You're too young and this is an entirely unnecessary expense in your circumstances, that won't be covered by your insurance, so you'll have to haggle with them around the $10k price tag, though I know people in your position were able to negotiate it under $500."

He just thought it was dumb of me since the chances were so astronomically small that it wasn't necessary. But obviously he ordered it when I acknowledged the money part.

 

[josephahmed]

@jello123 I was unsure and the biggest reason I chose to have my second is that I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t. Like, I’d always look back and think “what if.” And given how much I loved my first, I felt confident I would NOT have the same reaction to having the second (meaning all the practical annoyances are there but all in all, I don’t regret having either child.)

That said I find your easy baby issue to be the most compelling. My first was VERY hard. My second is very easy and if it were flipped I might have a different outlook right now. I think you’d have to take the leap of faith but know it would be very likely you could not work with the second also at home.

 

[rox485]

@josephahmed Yeah, wow, the description of this easy baby kind of rocked me. There are kids like that???

My now 3 year old has never slept through the night and has pretty much zero ability to entertain himself. I’ve never been able to work with him at home. Now that he’s 3 he also has several daily meltdowns. And from what I gather that’s completely normal.

Now I’m insane, so I’m currently 6 months pregnant. So of course, I understand the fear of missing out.

But to be honest, I often fear we’ve made a mistake. I’m nervous as hell about handling my son along with a newborn. And sad about putting life more on hold again.

 

[jello123]

@rox485 Oh god lol sorry. I guess I'm realizing it's important piece of information, as in I have no frame of reference to what it could've been like (worse) except what I've read or heard from others, and that, you know, if anything we have rosy glasses on, so our spot on the fence is definitely not based on bad experiences.

 

[jello123]

@josephahmed It's so funny because this entire time--until I spent like four hours last night reading through this sub and related--I completely took it for granted that my second baby would be exactly the same. A bit of hubris too, you know, like "our baby is so special because we're just so wonderful, we do all the right things, pat pat pat." Kill me.

It has not even occurred to me that this work from home arrangement is in jeopardy. I'm the breadwinner and my career is extremely important to me. There's just zero way I will leave that even for a year (USA, blah blah, excellent parental leave policies, clap clap).

This wasn't even part of my thought process when I posted in OAD. I have so so much to think about.

Overall, I understand exactly what you're saying. If I knew that I'd regret it, and sounds like you did, I'd not be on the fence. I'm currently not sure I'll ever regret it, and I'm more worried about regretting having a second. What a mess of emotions!

 

[josephahmed]

@jello123 It’s so hard! Hang in there and know that either decision is totally valid. And having a second is tough even if you end up wanting another, easy baby or not!

FWIW also consider its valid to prioritize your current approach but maybe you will want to explore options like daycare if it will also help with your decision. I’m very career focused and both kids have been in daycare since four months. It is hard and sad at times but it didn’t even occur to me I could approach it differently (also US and no leave ). Makes me want to become an advocate because it’s GARBAGE and we should get more support but it might clinch the decision to visit a daycare or something.

 

[jello123]

@josephahmed Oh for sure. It's practical concerns as well with daycare. I know kids get sick in group settings, and I love that I have an option to avoid that when they're super little. I start work at 6am and finish at 2pm - makes dropoff really annoying if my husband can't make it (our elementary school is a 10 minute round trip but preschool was a solid 45 minute chunk of a workday and it was at times hectic with work). I had such a fantastic breastfeeding experience, but pumping was a drag - I loved that I could just sit at home and she was always fed and happy and my boobs didn't hurt either. And just generally, I'd like to spend that $2k a month on like, literally anything else, you know?

And I am really quite worried about disrupting our little family lifestyle with special needs, which I would take very seriously and would do my very best to support. But I think of how we went on weekend roadtrips with our daughter when she was 8 months old and she just slept for 5 hours in the car, the places we visited wher she was either super happy or super passed out. And we're now taking longer trips with more involved itineraries and she's so so so excited. What if we can't do that because there are some health concerns with her younger siblings? It weighs a lot on my mind. I know it's just another what if, but it just feels like my what-if good scenarios are just that everyone loves each other and has a great time in life, and by what-if bad ones are a giant papyrus scroll I can replicate within minutes because it's always in my head. Maybe that's a sign that we just shouldn't.

I just hadn't thought about maybe not even wanting a second until I booked our flights and some hotels last week for the summer in Europe, and holy shit $ amounts lol