Before pointing out how ridiculous this statement may be, I said FEELS damaging, not that it IS damaging. Sigh* going through it with my 14 month old toddler friends. We have always followed attachment and gentle parenting. It’s always been instinctual to us and we have always done our best to respond to our son’s crying (no CIO ever). I have a terrible time when he cries, my tolerance has gotten slightly better than the beginning, but I still cannot stand his crying in an empathetic way. It makes me feel panicky and ill if I can’t get him to stop because my heart absolutely bleeds knowing my baby is sad,scared, in pain etc whatever it may be that is making him cry. He’s now a toddler and started throwing soooo many tantrums. Like he goes from 0-100 and I’m having a hard time with all the crying when he does. I can’t seem to always get him to calm down right away and I feel like all the crying will be damaging to him in some way. I know this is irrational, and crying is a form of communication, but why does all crying feel like it’s bad or damaging him??
@omadaze As much as it hurts our hearts to hear the crying when they are having tantrums, it’s more damaging to try and suppress their crying. You just have to ride them out, give them support when they want it (sometimes they don’t!) but it is all part of them processing their emotions and learning how to regulate. I’m going through it with my toddler as well. I just speak to him in a calm voice, sometimes a whisper. I will hold him if he will let me. If he just wants to flail around and scream, I let him. But I am there, present with him. I don’t ignore him
@roman_k Wow I never thought about it that way. The importance of not suppressing their cries. My son will also flail around tossing and turning on the floor and I try to hold him but that sometimes agitates him more. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so forceful. Thank you for helping me reframe my mindset.
@omadaze He’s learning to regulate his emotions while you are learning too! So reframe your mindset on who you are as a mother as well. You are not hurting him when he cries and his crying doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. He’s just having some big feelings and needs you to be present with him. I know all this sounds easier said than done, so be kind to yourself because this is all new for you too.
@omadaze I know it feels hard to sit and watch them cry but if they want space it’s definitely okay to give them space my daughter wants a cuddle if she’s crying because she has hurt herself but hates been touched if she’s crying because she’s angry or agitated about something. We give her space and it can be really hard but I think it’s important to respect their space in these moments when they need to process and get it all out. I sit as close as she’s okay with and just say ‘mummy is here, we can have a cuddle when you’re ready’, and eventually she will come and give me a cuddle. That’s when I can best bring her to calm and validate her feelings, the less talking I do during the actual meltdown the better in our case.
I think doing this is most in line with a gentle/ attachment parenting approach because it respects their need to have big feelings, doesn’t diminish them and shows them that you are there the whole time and ready for them to come back to you when they are ready, so rest assured you’re wouldn’t be doing the wrong thing by giving him an appropriate amount of space. It’s easy to worry about these things and to feel like everything is going wrong when your child is crying, but crying is so normal and healthy and it sounds like you’re trying your best and doing a great job
@omadaze Hi, I'm an attachment based psychotherapist. I'm also a mom of a 22 month old. Just want to let you know that I've been training to be with peoples emotions.....and it's so healing for people to have them and be loved anyway. Also, it never feels good to cut them short.... like when you're crying and someone says, "Don't cry" It sucks!!!
What you can do is just name the feelings and validate their experience. "You're feeling sooo much right now!" " Yeah, it's a lot baby." " I know it's so hard when we have to stop doing xyz." "That's so shocking that you fell!!!, I'm here with you." That's enough. That's a lot of what I do as therapist....and there's a lot more that I do...but foundational connecting and creating safety is acknowledging their experience as real and valid. We might not understand why they are screaming about not being able to eat a whole stick of butter (my toddler did this today.) But, I can say, ughhhh, you're so upset that you can't eat all that butter. I know Its so hard, I don't want you to get sick....but I know you really want it and that's hard."
Lastly, keep breathing. When you breathe In those situations, it'll help your kiddo remember to breathe. Our breath is also connected to calming ourselves down. big breaths...audible breaths help!
@mommadsaves Hi, I’m being treated for PPD/PPA in a mother and baby clinic and part of the program requires me to sleep train her using cry it out methods. I abhor it, but they won’t treat me unless I’m doing the sleep training.
We’ve been at it for 11 weeks now. She’s not gotten any better at “regulating herself and finding her sleep”.
What worked at home before we were admitted was to hold her hand until she sleeps. This would take 2-10 min. She’s often taking it and putting it on her face… but at the clinic they say this is very very bad, I should not provide my body as a sleep aid. But both parents feel that she needs the physical touch. But I feel like there should’ve been progress if this is the right program for her.
Can you point me towards some gentle no tears bed time techniques?
@debsie22 Hey! You always have a choice to do what works for you. They can have a recommendation… or even a requirement…. But as a therapist I would never “require” my clients to one certain thing… especially something that they didnt agree with. You have every right to choose a method or clinic that you prefer.
If doing cry it out causes more distress, don’t do it. That will not help ppd and ppa… and it might cause you guilt and more challenges.
@omadaze I just wanted to say I relate. My youngest is only 6 months, but I have 3 kids and can definitely say I know that panicky feeling. I’ve been struggling with it a lot lately with my 3rd. He’s teething and we’re still sorting out some tummy issues. When he cries, I get so stressed sometimes. It can be so draining, especially on top of being sleep deprived as well. It’s tough to remember in the moment that they’re fine, and so are we.
I teach 3 year old preschool (before I had my youngest), and I always try to remember during those big emotions that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to try to make anything make sense in the moment. It’s like trying to teach a drowning person to swim, they can’t and won’t hear you. You have to save them first, and then you can teach them the skills they need for next time. Somehow with toddlers that helps me direct my efforts to comforting first, then communicating can happen. Obviously it isn’t that easy with a baby, but I think can still apply to an extent. Anyway, you’re not alone and your feelings are valid! You obviously care very much, and that matters most!
@justanavragechristain Thank you for the validation. I guess I sometimes feel alone in this considering I’m surrounded by “just let him cry” type of parents who seem to be unbothered by their crying little ones.
@omadaze I relate to that as well! I often feel I’m alone in my approach! Considering I’m in therapy for my emotional trauma as a child, I don’t feel the ones giving advice have much of a leg to stand on! You’re doing great, and please know that!
@omadaze Hi I just wanted to drop this quick read that offers a different perspective on crying/tantrums in children, and why it's not only okay, but healthy to have big cries and emotional releases when you are in a safe loving presence (like with your mom or dad!)
We practice aware parenting (a style of attachment parenting) and it has been wonderful for helping us understand these big feelings, and seeing how much happier/relaxed in his body our son is after he releases some of his pent up emotions.
Sending you lots of love, you're doing a great job
@omadaze I totally understand. I felt the exact same way. Ran myself into the ground making sure my baby never cried more than like 30 seconds for the first 14 months of her life. I think what broke me of feeling this way was hitting the tantrum stage at around 18 months. I reframed how I saw her being in a highly emotional state - that shes struggling with something and it’s my job to guide her. And a big part of that is letting her know I’m there, even if I’m sitting by her silently, and most importantly of all, modeling emotional regulation. You can’t control a toddler’s emotions, but you can control how you respond to it. And they are such sponges to our energy and our behaviors, that the most compassionate thing you can do in the moment and longterm is to make sure you stay emotionally regulated. This is laying the foundation of the building blocks for how our kids handle emotions for the rest of their life! Having this more macro level view above “omg, baby is crying, i feel terrible” helps to keep sight of the task at hand.
You’re doing great. I can tell from your post that you put so much thought and care into raising your baby.
@omadaze So some of my earliest childhood memories are of waking up from night terrors, I was probably about 3 years old. I’d wake up crying so hard my chest hurt, to this day I remember how that felt. But I remember my mom would come and hold me and comfort me and ask me what’s wrong. Tbh I don’t think she knew how to help me and maybe nothing could help, I remember not knowing how to answer “what’s wrong” because I also didn’t really understand why I was crying.
However a big part of those memories is my mom holding and trying to comfort me. She couldn’t make the night terrors stop but she could acknowledge my feelings, hold me physically, and just be there with me so I wasn’t alone.
This is why I consider crying with support from a parent fundamentally different from CIO. Because I remember being on the other side. It’s not a pleasant emotion to be crying but life sometimes has unpleasant occurrences and having emotional support makes it bearable.
@omadaze Have you ever had a really hard day at work and pushed down crying all day and then finally gotten home and had a really good cry? It feels relieving. Toddlers feel everything so intensely they need to let it out somehow. Obviously you are there to support him so he doesn’t feel alone, but crying isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I always worry about those perfectly behaved kids who never cry or act out. Sounds like he is acting his age!
@omadaze I think it's a social taboo, that crying is bad. Crying isn't bad. It's okay to cry. It's a healthy release a lot of times, especially for toddlers. Heck, even for adults. For everyone. The best thing we can do for them is share with them our calm. Let them feel their feelings but remain a source of calmness for them. It isn't always easy. It's actually really hard! My son is 2 and it's so hard sometimes but it has gotten easier. Just be there for them.
@omadaze My LO is five months old and I feel the same way. But when I have a big cry I feel super good after it, so I'm hoping my tantrum throwing toddler will too.
my daughter wants a cuddle if she’s crying because she has hurt herself but hates been touched if she’s crying because she’s angry or agitated about something. We give her space and it can be really hard but I think it’s important to respect their space in these moments when they need to process and get it all out. I sit as close as she’s okay with and just say ‘mummy is here, we can have a cuddle when you’re ready’, and eventually she will come and give me a cuddle. That’s when I can best bring her to calm and validate her feelings, the less talking I do during the actual meltdown the better in our case. 
I just wanted to drop this