Am I selfish for not filing CS?

J

juelrei

New member
Background: In early 2021, I fooled around with two men and got pregnant. One of the men was a brief fling and someone I had previously dated casually for a short time. (I’ll call him S). The other man was my new partner I was casually dating (I’ll call him C). I had my fling with S before I started seeing C, but they were close enough together that C and I got a paternity test when we found out I was pregnant. It turned out that my baby was not C’s. I was personally devastated but C and I knew this could happen and we parted ways amicably. I let S know about the pregnancy & test results. S didn’t really care (his exact words when I found out I was pregnant was “cool, can I have $80 for my light bill?”). I told S he could choose to be involved or not, and I wouldn’t make it a big deal. He said he’d like to be involved, then changed his mind. We went back and forth for a month. He was expecting another child with another ex of his, and when his first child was born, he decided one child was enough for him. I asked if he’d at least be willing to take a paternity test after I gave birth for peace of mind and so that my daughter would know who her father was even if he wasn’t involved. He agreed. After I gave birth and let him know, he blocked me.

Now my daughter is 1. She has never met S, and he’s never unblocked me to reach out and ask about her. I don’t think he even knows her name. I’m worried that I’m depriving my daughter of a parent by not filing for CS (which also guarantees a paternity test in my state). But I’m also worried about introducing S into her life. She has structure and a routine, and she’s happy. S is very unstructured, moves a lot, has random people in and out of his apartment, etc. (or he did when I knew him). He also relies on the women he dates to pay his bills and has never kept a steady income. I don’t think he’s a bad person or would physically harm her, but I worry that the lack of structure he offers would harm her more in the long run. I think if I filed for CS, he’d want custody, and that worries me. I know his parents would want to be involved with her too, and his dad is a felon paroled out after serving most of S’s life behind bars for violent drug offenses, and my daughter being around someone like that terrifies me.

I feel torn. Next year I’ll potentially be moving out of state with my daughter to be close with my parents and idk how filing for CS would factor into this. I don’t care about the money really, I’m making enough to cover her with some help from my parents. I just want her to know her father, but not if it puts her in harms way or could cause issues for her. I’d also hate for her to be away from me, I’m all she knows. Should I leave things as is and move away? Or should I try filing for CS to get the paternity test and introduce S into her life?
 
@juelrei Not worth it. For one, it doesn’t sound like you’d get much of anything from this guy. Second, how would you feel about the possibility of this guy taking your daughter for a weekend without you? Especially a man so uninterested in stepping up to his responsibility. Third, if he gets any visitation, he can block your move. He may possibly have a new girlfriend and a decent job and may sue you for 50% custody, not have to pay child support, and have your daughter half the time playing family with his new woman. Do you really think knowing this underemployed hobo is going to benefit your daughter more than a stable life with a loving mother? If he really wanted to be a dad he would have reached out by now. I truly believe no father is better than a selfish, inconsistent father.
 
@nuni I fully agree with this take. Over the long run one of the good things you can probably do for your daughter is to bring a good man into both of your lives who is ready and willing to fulfill the role of dad. If this “underemployed hobo” (lmao!) pops up years down the line, having a good man in your lives can be protective legally as the court should look at what her established life and environment has been.
Edit: typo
 
@nuni This is how I’ve been feeling, but then I get so worried that I’m being selfish bc I want to keep her from his inconsistency. I’m scared she’ll hate me later on for not trying to get him involved. When she does eventually ask about him, I plan on being honest with her and saying he just wasn’t ready to be a dad, but idk, maybe I’m just overthinking it?
 
@juelrei Yes. You are overthinking it. You tell her you told him and he wasn’t ready to be a father. I think as women we have this ingrained notion that we have to perform all the emotional and mental labor for men and if we don’t it’s somehow our fault for not trying hard enough. Don’t feel bad for protecting your daughter from what is essentially a stranger. You gave him a chance to step up and he blocked you. Okay, good riddance to bad rubbish.
 
@juelrei I do not think you are selfish unless he actually wants to see the child. While it is important to have a father and mother in the child's life, a parent who she knows about who is in and out could be detrimental to her health. Make sure she has some good male role models around so she knows healthy relationships with men.
 
@juelrei Those are things to handle down the line when she’s older and starts asking. Then you can figure out age appropriate ways to answer any questions she has about her father.

Right now, keeping her stable life and routine is the best option. You’re moving closer to family and she’ll be set up just fine.
 
@nuni And with 50/50 custody op could end up paying him.

Op filing for cs will not get your daughter a father. Even if he paid (he won’t), you can’t make him be involved.

Be mindful that he has over a decade to file for custody and if he wants it- he’ll get time with her. If you move that means all school breaks. Consider if that’s something you want to risk.
 
@uselessnumberone I don’t necessarily want to force him to be involved. CS is the only way I know how to at least get him to follow through with the paternity test. I just want the results so I can show her when she’s older and if she wants to find him. But I’m worried that if I file for CS, he’ll get some type of custody (which is pretty much guaranteed in my state from what I’ve read on the Attorney General’s site). And even if he doesn’t ACTUALLY want custody, I know him and he can be petty and he may use custody as a way to “get even” for going after him for CS (he was very clear on asking me not to file multiple times).
 
@juelrei She can do paternity test or 23 and me when she’s older. That stuff is all out there if she’s interested in the future. It sounds like you know he is certainly the father, anyway. I feel like in your case you have more to lose than to gain, in the net sum, by involving him. And I am totally pro CS, so it’s a lot of me to say that!
 
@juelrei He could get some custody down the line. However, if you move out of state first before filing, it would be severely limited. Especially as he has never met her. It would be a very slow process of integration before he would have anything longer than afternoon visits. However, I have seen parents fight tooth and nail for custody to lower their support payments.
 
@uselessnumberone I doubt he would get 50/50 on a "baby case". Generally, if they are absentee like that, he might get afternoon visits between 1 to 3 times a week. Unless there are abuse, drugs, or alcohol in the last three years in mom's history.
 
@uselessnumberone I think in my state I can get full custody if he “abandoned” me during my pregnancy AND was absent for at least 6 months after. Everything I researched showed that I’d get sole custody in my state, but I’m just worried and it sucks that in my state, filing for CS automatically opens a custody case
 
@juelrei They say that- but speak to an attorney in your area- but if he filed he will most certainly get 50/50 legal and a step up to whatever your state standard is. One year is a drop in the bucket when it comes to a child’s childhood and no judge is going to deny him the opportunity to be a parent after a year when her could start being involved tomorrow and the child would never remember a time where he wasn’t around.

I think if you were certain you would have sole custody you wouldn’t be considered or questioning filing for child support.
 
@uselessnumberone That’s true. I’m not 100% certain. It’s something I’ve been praying about, and typically I would follow up with legal advice, but I don’t really have extra wiggle room in my income to pay an attorney at the moment. I’m working on saving to ask a family law attorney
 
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