Always justifying how I take care of LO

[andreea777]

I am always justifying why I still put LO in the carrier to make her sleep at 10 MO, the fact that I pick her up during the night if she cries, the fact that I have Baby Tracker to know how long she has been awake/changed diaper/ate, the fact that I don't let her taking everything as she pleases because she puts everything in her mouth, the fact that I am always near her if she goes near a fourniture as she still falls often when she walks.

Can I just want the best for my LO, not sleeptrain and care for her safety? I think it's not normal that as a baby, I managed to eat some laundry detergent. And even if LO will get hurt sooner or later, I can't wrap her in bubble all her life, can I at least wait until she is more stable before letting her go as she pleases? Yes, my baby is still in the 6.5' X 5.5' playpen most of the time. She is 100% safe and she is happy at the moment. I let her explore when I can watch her.

Of course I would not track everything if I had 12 babies, thank you for the input grandma. Maybe I wanted to take great care of my only baby at the moment without feeling guilty I do so.

I'm sick of hearing my mom saying I don't let my daughter do anything. Or that I spoil her for putting her in the baby carrier to make her sleep. Or that I should not pick her up during the night.

Vent over, thank you

 

[josie129]

@andreea777 I have been there, done that. The only solution was to put ANYONE with vocal opinions on an information diet. If I didn’t ask for your opinion, then keep it to yourself. You do EXACTLY what you want for your babe, and anyone who disagrees is more than welcome to have their own child and do it their way.

You’re amazing, killing it, and no one else’s opinion (except maybe the pediatrician) matters!

 

[evuke]

@josie129 Yesss!! I always ask them to refrain from unsolicited advice or critiques as “we are all just doing our best”. And if they continue to pry, a time diet (they get to spend less time with me). If they spend their reduced time with me making comments like that, I’ll ask again to keep their opinions to themselves and if they don’t have anything nice to say, you know.

If they still are making comments I don’t like I will generally say something like “I’ve asked you a couple times now not to comment or critique my parenting. If you can’t respect my boundary, that’s fine, I can’t control you. But I can control who I spend my time with and I won’t choose to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect me”.

 

[whatwasoldisnewagain]

@andreea777 Yo. I can make my 18 month old nap in 90 degree weather with children screaming thanks to that carrier. Even though hes totally too big for it. You have no idea the flexibility that has afforded my family. Carriers are great and anyone who judges just doesnt know or theyre jealous.

 

[asatru]

@whatwasoldisnewagain I carry my 36 lbs toddler to and from daycare in the carrier every single day I never had any negative comments but plenty of people told me I was courageous lol! Especially since I got pregnant again.

 

[redwolf6]

@asatru I wish mine would still let me do that lol I miss the carrier snuggles

 

[asatru]

@redwolf6 He’s 16 months so even though he walks well, long distances are still a challenge! I’m due in October and I’m not interested in carrying both so his days in the carrier are counted, I’m just cherishing those moments while it lasts!

 

[redwolf6]

@asatru That’s so sweet. Plus you get a new little baby to put in the carrier! Congratulations Mine turns 2 tomorrow and is off the charts for height lol our carrier days ended long ago.

 

[basketballboy99]

@andreea777 Definitely share less information with those people, and feel zero guilt about it. Get comfortable saying things like:
- "this is working for us right now"
- "we're trying it this way for now"
- "this is what we're comfortable with"
- "we're not comfortable with that"
- "this is what we think is best for her at this stage

And leaving it at that. F those unsolicited opinions

 

[ansem]

@basketballboy99 I agree with this. This is why I largely don't post anything on social media anymore -- many people feel almost uncontrollably compelled to vomit unsolicited advice about how you're doing it all wrong.

If people do comment, not justifying yourself and instead using the above phrases is the way to go. It doesn't give people any room to argue back, it simply shuts down the argument.

And don't feel bad about being more explicit with the boundary if people keep pushing: "oh, no thank you, we're not looking for advice," or, "I've already said this is working for us, let's talk about something else now".

Some people -- I've noticed older family members especially -- might get offended and start huffing about how they're trying to help. I might go one of two ways with that. One is something cheerful like, "Oh, I appreciate your care! It would really help me if we could talk about (different topic that won't trigger unsolicited advice). What do you think about (topic)?" The other is a more firm, "I understand you're trying to help, this is not helpful for me. Let's talk about something else now."

And ultimately, the important thing to remember is that you cannot control other people's feelings. Sometimes my preschooler gets wildly upset and screams that I'm rude for literally asking her to please stop, in the nicest tone. She might be upset, but that doesn't mean I did anything wrong. Adults can be the same way. If someone does blow up, feel free to acknowledge they're upset and express that you're happy to talk again later.

 

[ryan2240x]

@basketballboy99 Or not even sharing the things that would lead to needing these justifications.

"How's LO sleeping?"
"Like a baby (polite subject change)"

 

[basketballboy99]

@ryan2240x Yep, totally. I also like to end conversations by just smiling & nodding, or just say "yeah" or "true" even when I don't agree. Like if MIL says "if you pick him up every time he asks, he'll become spoiled" sometimes I just say "yeah" so that she'll stop talking, but pick him up anyway

 

[bemmmy]

@andreea777 Fuck that. You do you.

I'm very protective of my LO.

No, you don't go out in the evening to get bug bites, nope we don't let uncle henry kiss you on the face. Nope, not every stranger you see gets to hold you. He's 1 year old. I still contact nap and rock / nurse him to sleep. It's my business because ultimately, if you get him sick, or full of bug bites or over tired, or hurt, who has to take care of him? I do.

 

[bajser]

@bemmmy Yeah, "Isn't it amazing?! All I have to do is offer him a breat and he will fall asleep like a dream! It will soothe painful gums and teething, lower his high temperature, regulate his nervous system and make him feel safe and less in pain. Such a cheat, I'm so thankful to be the mom and be able to have such an easy and quick fix for so many problems!"
Everyone shuts up very fast when they hear that we're so used to hearing propaganda that when confronted with common sense we stop in our tracks

 

[vinhhali]

@andreea777 As a first time mom to a 6 month old, and as someone who likes to control small details of my life and who has intrusive thoughts, I relate to this so much!!!

You’re her mom. You care for her more deeply than anyone else. And you are caring for her with love and safety as your top priorities. Don’t let anyone bully you about that. Trust your instincts.

 

[basketballboy99]

@vinhhali Happy cake day!

 

[vinhhali]

@basketballboy99 Thank you!

 

[theodor98]

@vinhhali

Thank you!

You're welcome!

 

[amak]

@andreea777 I really hate the phrase "they have to learn somehow" referring to me baby proofing my house and my parents house while we stay there my child doesn't have to come near death, or get extremely harmed to fucking learn.

 

[kmar123]

@amak Especially since they DON'T learn! When my daughter was young, she pulled a nightstand down on herself. Fortunately I was right there, caught the stand and the lamp and she was perfectly fine. I comforted her (she was startled), she got up, and went right back to pull the nightstand down again haha.

Even at almost 2, she's fallen off of chairs, but gets right back on them. She's fallen down the stairs once due to a new descending technique she used...still tries to do even when I remind her it's not safe.

They just don't have the brain power to put these concepts together just yet.