Aita for not wanting my daughters father at her birth or on her birth certificate

[jassikm]

Am I the asshole for being indecisive wether or not my daughters dad should be in the delivery room, and on the birth certificate when she’s born.

Long story short, I met him in 2020 and was on a off and on situationship until the end of last year we were getting closer but I decided to end things off because I realized that this person wasn’t what I wanted as he was very inconsistent and emotionally unavailable, although I had really strong feelings for him. He confessed to me that he was seeing other woman and that he couldn’t be with just one so that was an immediate turn off and that’s when I decided to end things. Well, fast forward a couple of weeks I told him that I was pregnant. He initially took it well but then after a weekend he called me and told me that he wanted me to to get an abortion, because I wasn’t what he wanted… I didn’t know how to react at the moment but then I sent him a message that I wasn’t going to do that but that he didn’t have to worry about me ever bothering him again. I would be 100% responsible of my baby and he didn’t reply to me. I went to my first OB appointment and I was so upset and sad that they told me I had chlamydia and I got treated right away for that. I felt like I was responsible for letting him know as I’m sure that he may have had it too. I sent him a brief message but again I didn’t get a response. This was in January and on the 24th of January he called me which I thought was odd and he told me that he had gotten tested but was negative but that they had taken a long time to give him his results. Later on they did a Pap smear and I was positive for HPV I was so distraught. He asked me what I had ended up doing and I told him I didn’t follow through with the abortion and he asked if he could see me because he wanted to be there for me… I agreed as I thought we were going to talk about things but we just went out and didn’t really touch the subject. I didn’t hear from him again until I sent a lengthy message asking him and telling him what it what that he wanted… if he was going to be actually be there or not. I wasn’t asking for a relationship and I told him very clearly after him telling me that I wasn’t what he wanted so that was out of the question. But, again he never responded… in may for Mother’s Day he called me but I ignored the message and call as I was just too hurt to even talk to him. I ended up just blocking him from everything as I just kept on hearing things about him how he was sleeping around and with strippers and those kinds of girls and I did blame him for getting me sick… well I am 2 weeks from giving birth and now he says that he wants to be a part of her life.. we did have a talk but he just kept on telling me that it was my choice and that he cannot not be in her life now, that it was what I wanted not what he wanted… I’m just so confused and don’t know what to do about it. My baby will always be a blessing to me regardless of how he feels about it. He told me I robbed him from doing things right Wirh the love of his life when he found that person. He wanted to get married and buy a house and then have children but that I took that away from him because I decided not to murder my child… I am extremely sad about it and even though he wasn’t what I had expected from a husband those words did cut deep. He did tell me that he wanted to coparent with me for the sake of the baby but how do I move past all of this hurt. I spent all of my pregnancy alone and with the idea that he wasn’t going to be a part of it now he just comes like nothing.

Sorry I just had to vent and get some advice.

Post Update 8/22/2023

I had my daughter on 8/16 and he was not there. We had been communicating up until birth he came and apologized but i felt as if it wasnt sincere, once again... this is the third time he shows up and no changes to his actions... I had given him the option to be at the birth but he didnt show any interest he just said that would be nice but never checked on me leading up to the birth, i did message him letting him that the baby was born but he didnt tell me he wanted to meet her or anything so i just let if as that my baby ended up taking my last name as he needed to be present to sign for the birth certificate. shes 6 days old and he still hasnt met her, the only family that he has here is his mom and sister and they dont know that he had a baby... i do not regret the decisions that i took leading to this... he doesnt want to be there for her and thats ok... i cannot force him nor will i, he was given one too many opportunities and he hasnt cared... not once has he asked if i needed anything for the baby, everything she has has been from me or friends and family which i am extremely grateful for.

so, having said that thank you for everyone that encouraged me to do what was best for me, i was in a very vulnerable place and i thought giving him a third opportunity would have been best but it wasnt. and to those who say that we keep our children away from their dads, we dont. they keep themselves away by not wanting to be there.

thank you all! much love.

 

[ryandog]

@jassikm He’s not going to love this child. He doesn’t respect you, other women, or even himself. He gave you two stds, fucked around and fucked off the whole pregnancy and seemingly only called you up when his other booty calls were dry. You’ve already realized he’s emotionally unstable and unavailable and he’s pressured you multiple times to abort.
Plus, who is this love of his life?! He’s already made the child and he still doesn’t care; he’s already building resentment towards you and while he’s constantly making up new excuses for how you’ve ruined his life he still can’t show up for shit.

Unfortunately combined with his lack of maturity and track record I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate or have him in the room. Has he been to a sonogram? Has he bought the child any clothes? Diapers? Bottles? Has he helped you set up any semblance of a nursery or even discussed it? Does he have a job? Will the child be on his insurance? Will he read a parenting book? Take her to a doctors appointment?

I know a lot of the responses here that are siding with him are pro-dad and yea; that’s great. Kids should have dads! But this guy can’t even be a partner. Is your kid gonna learn love by how he treats you? How many times is he gonna break her heart when he says he’ll pick her up on Saturday but then cancels because his new girlfriend has a show that night? When he gets mad at your daughter for misbehaving is he gonna lose his cool and tell her how he never wanted her anyway? That he wishes she was aborted? Is he gonna even be able to take care of her on visitations? Does he have a family and is it just them he’ll drop her off at? Is child support something he’ll be able to realistically provide or will it just be a money out of court dates?

This is not ideal and yes; being a family would be best. But not being married to this guy is a blessing and unfortunately I don’t think he can be trusted to be the emotionally responsible and trustworthy person you need in the position of “father” for your daughter to learn love from. Best of luck OP. NTA

 

[vicf]

@ryandog If I had an award, I'd give it to you! Instead, take my upvote and know that this is IMO one of the best responses on here ️🎖

 

[ryandog]

@vicf Appreciate that. Hope OP agrees bc I take my 6 year old to therapy to talk about her dad and I’ve got 20/20 hindsight like a mfer.

 

[jeremiahjam]

@jassikm You need to consult a lawyer ASAP. He's been playing and manipulating you this whole time. You are about to have a child and he can do so much damage to this poor baby. You need to do what's best for your baby. Find a good lawyer and give them the history and circumstances. Your lawyer can help you set legal boundaries and conditions so he doesn't screw around when it comes to your child.

It's not about you and him anymore. You owe it to your kid.

 

[lbwilliam]

@jeremiahjam Yes, a lawyer.sounds like a good Idea

 

[vicf]

@jeremiahjam

OP PLEASE READ THIS!!!​

 

[kangas]

@jassikm I’ve dealt with the same situation.

My suggestion is you do not put him on the birth certificate at the time of birth.

A) if you aren’t married he needs to sign and affidavit stating he is the father when they come to register the baby in the hospital after it is born. If he is not there he can’t sign it.

B) It’s way easier to ADD him as the father at any later date. It is impossible or close to impossible to remove him if you don’t want him on it. Adding him is incredibly easy, file paperwork with the court and they will tell him he needs to sign it if he agrees he is the father or needs to take a paternity test to prove/disprove paternity

C) Make him show his true colors. If he wants to claim his child he can do so on his own by filing paternity with the court. He can fight to be on the birth certificate and in that baby’s life if he wants to. If not, he’s made his intentions clear.

D) Child support. Some states allow you to file for benefits without a father on the birth certificate, others require the father to be on there. IF they require the father to be on there they often have legal assistance to help you get all the paperwork completed and filed correctly.

Also, regarding child support, your child deserves the resources and support of two parents, but if your baby daddy is a dead beat the “juice might not be worth the squeeze” (aka, the effort of court and such might not be worth the measly amount of child support you may get, and that’s IF he decides to pay. If he doesn’t willingly pay then you have to go back to court to get his wages garnished, etc. etc.) If you would only be getting $150 a month in support, is it worth it? For me it has not been worth it. I’d rather just raise my son myself without having to deal with his a$$hole of a biological father.

Best of luck mama. You can message me any time

Edit: if you do decide to let him be there at the birth tell the nurses that you only want to file the birth certificate Info when you are alone. If he’s not there y’all can’t fight about it. I also suggest he not be there at the birth (I know that can be so hard and sad) but you need to be around people who will love and support you and insure that that time is focused on you and the baby and being a healthy physical and mental space. It sounds like this guy will not be conducive to that..

 

[amanda10271]

@kangas All of this. If he wants to be a decent human and be a dad, he'll get his ass on the birth certificate and file with courts to ask for visitation.

I will not beg someone to be a parent. They can choose it or they can choose not to.

My kids dad pays child support but doesn't ask about them nor does he ever see them, it's been 4 years. Do I wish my kids had a good dad? Yes. But he isn't a good dad. He ducking sucks. That's on him. Not me.

 

[ziegler2u]

@kangas I agree with all of this. I was in a somewhat similar situation. Did not add him and determined the “the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze” in terms of CS.

He pops up with demands every once and awhile. I tell him that he needs to contribute and file if he wants his rights and responsibilities. Then he pisses off again.

 

[oakharbormama]

@jassikm I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my son. His biological contributor wanted me to have an abortion but I am pro-choice and decided to keep the baby. He gave me a ton of crap when I said I wasn’t going through with the abortion. I told him he can take a hike and I would never go after him for child support and he can pretend the child doesn’t exist or he can be a part of his/our lives. He decided to be a part of our lives. That didn’t even last two years. He move to another state and has barely seen our son - my son just turned 18.

I wish that I hadn’t had the guy in the room during birth. He was incredibly selfish and didn’t help whatsoever. In fact, he made a scene when I first went in to the hospital and the nurse actually left what she was doing with me to go attend to him. I also wish I hadn’t put him on the birth certificate. He has the right to petition the court to do that. That would have shown how interested he was in being our son’s father. I also wish I hadn’t given my son his last name. It has made it very difficult having different last names and being the sole parent. Since we were never married and he moved out of state, I never filed custody papers. The dude never tried for visitation or anything - never made any attempt. That said, I would have given anything for my son to have a father that actually wanted to be a father - even if we couldn’t make the relationship work. It breaks my heart to know how much my son feels he missed out and how much he craves that male role model.

I agree with what others have said about not having him present at the birth, not including him on the birth certificate, and definitely don’t give her his last name. With regards to the birth, if he adds stress, it adds stress to you and you are going to have enough stress during the birthing process. He can come when she is born. I do feel that if he wants to be present in his daughter’s life, let him but make him do the work. Also, if he does want to be a part of her life, make sure to get the legal stuff worked out for everyone’s protection - especially for your daughter.

You’ve got this momma!

 

[shep83]

@jassikm I was in a similar situation. I went no contact, he isn’t on the birth certificate. Yeah, i can’t get child support. Oh well. He doesn’t deserve the wonderful son I have.

 

[beautybarb]

@shep83 You can always change your mind and pursue child support on behalf of your child.

 

[shep83]

@beautybarb Depends on the state.

 

[oldthinker]

@shep83 He could petition the courts to establish paternity.

 

[shep83]

@oldthinker He wanted me to get an abortion then blocked me on everything lmao so I don’t think he will want to.

 

[oldthinker]

@shep83 Maybe, maybe not. The fact still remains that you can't stop him from establishing paternity if he chooses to do so.

 

[shep83]

@oldthinker If he really wanted to I wouldn’t stop him. But i moved thousands of miles away after I had my son, so he’d really have to make an effort. But the dude is 40 if he wanted a kid he would have figured that out by now.

It’s sad, he is missing out. But I haven’t heard from him since December 2020 so i’m not holding my breath.

 

[tert]

@shep83 Just fyi - depending on the state you’re in you may still be able to pursue CS without putting his name on the BC. In my state, NC, they are considered separate issues.

 

[rvlady]

@tert In NC a parent can sign their parental rights away and still have to pay child support!