My (33f) fiance’s (43f) daughter is 18 and lives with me and my fiance full time. I have a daughter who is 7 that lives with us half the time. I’m really struggling with my future step daughter. She struggles with her mental health - anxiety and depression. I highly suspect that she has borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder. She’s medicated and sees a therapist. She has been in many modes of therapy that I have helped facilitate. She has only one responsibility around the house and that is to take the trash out. She does this maybe one out of four times when it is full because she puts it off and due to our dogs getting into the trash, I end up taking it out so they don’t get to it. When she is asked to do anything, she gives us attitude and yells at us for “nagging” her. Then uses excuses - her mental health (it is well controlled but she has gotten away with using this in the past).
She graduated from high school last year. We know that pushing her is not helpful so we have allowed her to make her own decisions on her time about college. We made the rule that she has to be working full time or going to school. She works about 30 hours a week currently at a retail job.
She is highly privileged. Her dad has bought her a brand new car, is going to pay entirely for her college, and told her that if she goes to college, he will pay for her apartment. She is very hard to live with. She constantly has an attitude and I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. I try very hard to not show that she makes me uncomfortable. I do a lot for her because she always tells us that she feels unwelcome in her house. I make an effort to engage with her every time she is around me, I help her with her laundry, I cook her dinner even when she isn’t around - including making an effort to make her favorite meals, I seriously try everything.
The minute something goes the way she doesn’t want it to go, she flies off the handle, of course not acknowledging all the good things we do and nit picking on small things that have made her mad (me buying the wrong brand of orange juice means that I hate her). She recently sent her dad a house for rent that she wants to move into. The house is way beyond what she needs and she’s expecting him to get this for her right away. She has not signed up for school. He came back to it and said she needs to be going to school. She flipped out on him and then turned on her mother. Swearing at her sending her text message after text message, calling her, yelling at her in person. Telling her she has always been a terrible mom and she owes her blah blah blah. Calling her a b*tch, telling her to go f*ck herself, etc. All the while my partner remained calm, set her boundaries (I will talk to you when you are respectful to me). At home she purposefully has been doing all of the things we have asked her not to - late at night when she gets home after we are all asleep, she slams all the doors, stomps around on the hardwood floors, being all over as loud as she can. Leaving garbage around the house. Walking with her muddy shoes on my freshly cleaned floors, etc.
I just don’t know where to go next with this. She is making living in the house miserable. I don’t feel comfortable in my own house when she is home or around. I hate the influence she is on my daughter. I have begun to even feel resentful when she eats food that I have cooked for her (she eats a TON and often leaves nothing for me to eat) or when I am cleaning things that I know she has made dirty. I think she would crash and burn if we made the ultimatum for her to move out. We have no family around that she could live with. Her dad lives overseas. I’m lost at what to do. We have tried boundary setting, taking things away from her (car/phone). Thanks for making it this far with me. I just need some advice.
tl/dr: My adult (future) stepdaughter has made living in my house miserable with her attitude, the way she treats everyone, and lack of responsibility. .
She graduated from high school last year. We know that pushing her is not helpful so we have allowed her to make her own decisions on her time about college. We made the rule that she has to be working full time or going to school. She works about 30 hours a week currently at a retail job.
She is highly privileged. Her dad has bought her a brand new car, is going to pay entirely for her college, and told her that if she goes to college, he will pay for her apartment. She is very hard to live with. She constantly has an attitude and I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. I try very hard to not show that she makes me uncomfortable. I do a lot for her because she always tells us that she feels unwelcome in her house. I make an effort to engage with her every time she is around me, I help her with her laundry, I cook her dinner even when she isn’t around - including making an effort to make her favorite meals, I seriously try everything.
The minute something goes the way she doesn’t want it to go, she flies off the handle, of course not acknowledging all the good things we do and nit picking on small things that have made her mad (me buying the wrong brand of orange juice means that I hate her). She recently sent her dad a house for rent that she wants to move into. The house is way beyond what she needs and she’s expecting him to get this for her right away. She has not signed up for school. He came back to it and said she needs to be going to school. She flipped out on him and then turned on her mother. Swearing at her sending her text message after text message, calling her, yelling at her in person. Telling her she has always been a terrible mom and she owes her blah blah blah. Calling her a b*tch, telling her to go f*ck herself, etc. All the while my partner remained calm, set her boundaries (I will talk to you when you are respectful to me). At home she purposefully has been doing all of the things we have asked her not to - late at night when she gets home after we are all asleep, she slams all the doors, stomps around on the hardwood floors, being all over as loud as she can. Leaving garbage around the house. Walking with her muddy shoes on my freshly cleaned floors, etc.
I just don’t know where to go next with this. She is making living in the house miserable. I don’t feel comfortable in my own house when she is home or around. I hate the influence she is on my daughter. I have begun to even feel resentful when she eats food that I have cooked for her (she eats a TON and often leaves nothing for me to eat) or when I am cleaning things that I know she has made dirty. I think she would crash and burn if we made the ultimatum for her to move out. We have no family around that she could live with. Her dad lives overseas. I’m lost at what to do. We have tried boundary setting, taking things away from her (car/phone). Thanks for making it this far with me. I just need some advice.
tl/dr: My adult (future) stepdaughter has made living in my house miserable with her attitude, the way she treats everyone, and lack of responsibility. .