4th or am i nuts?

J

jason106p

New member
Should I go for a 4th?

I am not even sure which sub I should be posting on… Trying for a Baby? Parenting in Bulk? Should I have another? Mods, please delete if this is not the appropriate sub.

I am 35 with 3 kids ages 2,3 and 5. 2 boys, and the oldest is a girl. My husband (47) and I were both only children so we have always craved a bigger family with more going on. We’ve always wanted at least 3, but trying for a 4th isn’t as cut-and-dry of a decision as the others were. I recently went to the doctor because I didn’t have a period for 7 months and had some tests run and it turns out I am in extremely early perimenopause with low ovarian reserve. After 3 healthy pregnancies and no problems conceiving any of them, this is pretty shocking and I am horrified. It is sending me into a sort of premature existential/midlife crisis where I suddenly want one more baby.

We were going to wait one more year to even decide whether we wanted to go for #4 but we now know time is not on our side. I have a lower egg count according to my AMH level, but the doctor said my egg quality should be OK considering my age and history- and it only takes one egg. I have never felt “done” in my gut, even though my husband and I are both overwhelmed at times with the 3 we do have. He doesn’t have a gut feeling either way although he has expressed at times that he feels pretty complete with the 3. I think he would be OK being done if I was 100% leaning that way too. But, I’m not.

We love our kids so much and can’t help picturing just one more to add to the chaos. I know I should be grateful for the 3 we already have since some people are not even fortunate enough to have 1 so in some ways I feel silly even considering a 4th.

The cons of having a 4th are pretty strong… Right now I am set to go back to working full time in less than 3 years and having another one would set me back another 3-4 years, putting me at 42 ish reentering the workforce. My body may fail me, and set us up for heartbreak when we already have what others consider a dream family. and with my age comes the higher risks of chromosomal abnormalities and miscarriage, etc. I feel like I am just now recovered from having #3 and would I be putting my body through more stress and trauma by forcing another pregnancy? We also have very little help as my parents are both gone and his parents are not interested nor competent. We have done everything so far just the two of us and have a very strong partnership.

The pros are more from my heart and less practical — that we love kids and having 4 kids and eventually lots of grandkids would be so much fun and fulfilling. The idea of one more child by the tree on Christmas morning or having another sibling for my kids to lean on later on in life when we are gone. I do not want to regret not having a 4th twenty years down the road.

In some ways I feel like I am wanting a 4th because I want to prove to myself and the world that I am still young, and fertile (even though that is questionable at this point, lol) and my body is still strong. Is this a knee-jerk reaction to my recent medical news? Anyways, looking for some gentle guidance or “girl, you’re crazy. Be done”. Just any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way to the end.
 
@jason106p I don’t think you’re nuts. I think taking some time to think on this is appropriate.. even a month or two to really reflect.

I think you do want a 4th and you’re a little freaked out about the timeline now and learning your fertility window is closing.
 
@sashafierce I never thought I would be approaching menopause at 35…. No one does…. I still feel young!! Menopause wasn’t even on my radar, I thought I had some sort of thyroid issue or something- It’s completely f*cked with my sense of self and who I thought I was. Even my OB says I am very young to be experiencing this and said it was understandable to be in shock. But I don’t want that affecting my decision making abilities.
 
@jason106p
In some ways I feel like I am wanting a 4th because I want to prove to myself and the world that I am still young, and fertile (even though that is questionable at this point, lol) and my body is still strong.
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This is pretty striking to me! The other reasons you listed are perfectly valid, but it does ultimately read like you would otherwise likely be pretty happy stopping at 3, and the above is really not a good reason, which I think you know. You said that you're already at times overwhelmed with 3, which I can imagine with no family help, and adding another could push you past your limits in a way that wouldn't be good for the family system as a whole.

I get the existential crisis of the prospect of your fertility ending, but it's something we all have to face eventually as we get older - I'm 38 and have been thinking about it too as I approach 40 (and in terms of unassisted fertility, age still matters more than AMH). It's hard! Having children and envisioning our family is something we dream about for so long that foreclosing on that forever and saying "okay! this is it!" is strange and scary. But having another child is just kicking that can down the road, so as much as your able you should try to divorce processing through that from the question of family size. Either way, you can thank your fertility for fulfilling its purpose and giving you the lovely family you have, and then let it go.
 
@jason106p I don’t have an answer for you but am in the same boat. Am 35 with a 6, 4 and 7.5 month old. My husband is 40, we also have no family help and I work part time. I also love little kids, and love the idea of a big chaotic family. I also have the same fears you do—what if this last pregnancy the child has severe disabilities! What if my health is compromised? Will everything else in our life suffer at the expense of one more?

Just offering solidarity that I don’t think it’s crazy, you shouldn’t feel guilty that you want another despite having 3 already, and don’t believe there is a wrong choice.
 
@nansi Yes, it’s such a tough decision. You probably have more time to figure it out. You don’t have the ticking clock like I do. :( and your husband is younger. Mine is approaching 50 at this point…
 
@jason106p Yes! There are always hard parameters though. We have to decide yes or no this year for different reasons, but I can imagine how hard it is to have that reason be health related. I am sorry you’re going through it!
 
@jason106p I recommend your husband go on fertility supplements and start exercise ASAP if not already (it takes time to really kick in and affect sperm quality). Sperm quality at that age is not great, and taking supplements could lead to healthier sperm, and possibly a healthier baby

Same with you, even if you don’t end up having a baby, you should start taking supplements now just incase. This should help with those fears you have over the potential babies health.

There are many different tests you can take while pregnant to make sure the baby is developing healthily, you should ask your doctor about those if you haven’t already.

Also, you should NEVER feel guilty or crazy for wanting another.

To me, it sounds like if you don’t at least try for a 4th you’d regret it for the rest of your life.
 
@bebe107 Thank you for your response! So diminished ovarian reserve means I have fewer eggs. Not that the eggs that I do have left are lower quality. Luckily I am already eating a healthy diet, at a healthy weight and I’m on several vitamins and supplements including coQ10 and a prenatal. My OB said due to DOR it will probably take me a little longer to get pregnant but if / once I am pregnant, my ability to carry a healthy baby would be just as good odds as anyone else my age- 35- especially given that I had three healthy and safe pregnancies at 30, 32 and 33. She has no concerns about that other than my now “advanced maternal age” which, lots of women over 35 have safe and healthy pregnancies. You are totally right about my husbands health and the suggestion to take supplements! And thank you again for validating my urge to have a 4th and not saying I am crazy. I think that’s what I feel deep down but it’s nice to be validated. Much appreciated ❤️
 
@jason106p Proving yourself to whom? Would having a baby help stave off feelings of mortality?

I would take some time to digest this news (and also realize that doctors get this stuff wrong all the time) before deciding on another.

Also try to visualize going out with all 4 children. Do you need a bigger car? Do you know anyone who can watch 4 young children? Do you know of any families with 4 with whom you can spend significant time with? How much of a break are you getting now? Are you or your husband feeling touched out constantly or yelling at your kids because you are IN IT with a 2, 3, and 5 year old!

Also you don’t mention finances. 4 kids making $300k is very different than 4 kids on $50k.
 
@katrina2017 Thank you for responding. Finances are not an issue for us. And yes you make some excellent points. I have always had horrible existential dread so I am wondering if that is rearing it’s ugly head again. 😢
 
@jason106p
eventually lots of grandkids
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Just to add my 2 cents here, having more children does not necessarily mean more grandchildren. I know of 2 families that each have 4 children and between them only 3 grandchildren. So, that probably shouldn't have a lot of weighting in your decision and it really isn't guaranteed.
 
@jason106p I’m trying to decide about having another kid. Someone much older and wiser than me told me “you will always grieve the kid you didn’t have.” She meant that if I just have one, I have to grieve the second. I’m leaning towards having two and bracing to grieve the third I won’t have. It was a helpful framing for me — that no matter what family I do have I’ll have the grieve the family I chose not to. Hope that helps you as it did me.
 
@jason106p You will have plenty of kids and grandkids even if you stop now. It does sound like you are trying to make this decision prematurely (but understandably) based on your medical news. I wonder if you waited and needed medical intervention if that's feasible financially.
 
@emm3635 We already discussed this and decided no, if it doesn't happen naturally we just will be done. It is not feasible financially and my OB said IVF doesn't even work well with Diminished Ovarian Reserve anyways because it's hard to harvest enough healthy eggs.
 
@jason106p I suggest reading a little article/advice column I found once called "the ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed. When I was debating on a 3rd + child I would read that a couple times and I found it very helpful in ordering my thoughts. I've made the pros and cons list, with the ONLY pro being the child itself (meaning I'd love them and whatnot). It can only help so much. We ended up having a third and fourth, open to more. Not saying that's what you should do, but you/your life adjusts to the new child if you have one. Good luck!
 
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