25/M my GF wants kids eventually (4-6 years down the line), I am not so sure

[starlight54]

For starters, all of this is years down the line. My GF is in school right now and agrees all of this goes on hold until she graduates, and we get settled (if we is still a thing). I just started my first job out of grad school, so my life is basically just starting as a real adult. My GF has told me kids are a thing she wants, and if I am for sure not on board eventually I need to get off the ship so to speak, which I respect. Unfortunately I come with some complications.

I have a disability which impedes my mobility and balance. It isn't to big of a deal in day to day life, but I assume a toddler will be able to be faster than me pretty quickly. Also holding kids while standing would be risky as fuck. When I fall I do into drop everything and catch myself mode (I've been doing this for 25 years it is a reflex that won't change).

On top of that, unless maternity/paternity leave becomes a thing in the US, I cannot fathom dealing with the sleeplessness of a newborn plus work. How the hell do people manage that?!

In the end I wouldn't mind one kid, if I could do it right, unfortunately I would be worried I would end up having to offload a significant part of the early parenting (0-5 years) to my SO, which wouldn't be fair to anyone. That being said having no dam experience I could be way off here. Advice?

 

[damian333]

@starlight54 All of this is manageable. If you have the toddler and it is not yet well taught (goes with the territory of the design) in an unsafe place, ie shopping mall, high traffic area etc. Kid goes in a stroller/ or one of those backpack harness leash dealies. SOURCE: Was ungainly and pregnant and HOBBLING with my second pregnancy when my first was 2-3 and being a booger.

The bit with the holding of a small child depends on HOW you fall. Do you faceplant? (I am not being rude, I swear, but I've known someone differently abled that DID faceplant.) If that's a yes, I'd say, hold an infant when sitting only, or use the infant seat as a carrying device. Those things are made to withstand the force of a car accident, they can handle a 2 foot drop, as long as you made sure to keep kiddo buckled and the handle up.

Sleeplessness is a rough bit, but if you do the shifts right (you can find more info here when you need it) it can do less damage to work life than you think.

Even if there are parts that you aren't going to be comfortable with, there are other bits that you can do- you could be king of the sitting down diaper changes (on the couch, with the couch safely covered from accidents) carry the diaper bag, push the stroller, play in the floor etc.

 

[starlight54]

@damian333 I faceplant, except without all the bother of actually hurting myself, unlike you...normal people who make such a big scene, scrape your knees and actually hurt yourself

May I ask how long the sleeplessness lasts? That is going to be the shittiest part I think.

 

[bachjazz]

@starlight54 It depends on the kid and what you consider sleeplessness. Some kids sleep through at 6 weeks. Others still don't sleep through at 2 years. I still wake up once a night most nights because somebody needs something. But the love and family bonds far outweigh that.

 

[katrina2017]

@starlight54 My daughter 1 slept through the night at 6 weeks. My son and daughter 2 took about 2-3 years before I stopped needing to get up in the night for them. It's hard but also, you really do adjust. It's weird. I need a lot of sleep. Like 10 hours. And I just adjusted somehow. Your body is weird like that.

 

[damian333]

@starlight54 It really depends on the kid. I had one who was a nightmare of a baby- colic, slept terribly, mercurial toddler. She slept terribly for years, but we managed- mostly by very carefully and cautiously co-sleeping. The other one was the amazing silent baby. Woke up once a night during the newborn stage ( 0-3m) For a quick feed and change, and then she was back out.

My advice is: decide if kids are really for you. I love kids, but babies... are not my thing, unless they're mine. Babies are what I put up with to get to these cool people that I have now (they're 6 and 9)

 

[starlight54]

@damian333 I don't know if kids are for me tbh. No one I know has kids, or expresses any interest in having them. Almost everyone I know is just like "kids are expensive parasites that prevent you from doing things like traveling or having fun, and are expensive" they aren't wrong, but I wonder if I will feel a hole in my life without at least 1 kid. I'm still indecisive.

 

[damian333]

@starlight54 There's still time to decide for sure. A lot more people are having kids in their thirties, so that part of your friend group may change.

Just be up front with your girlfriend about how you feel, especially before you make her your wife(in the event that THAT comes up).

 

[katrina2017]

@starlight54 If you save up, you can hire a post partum doula or other night nanny to let you get the sleep you need. I am bipolar and have a very hard time staying stable if I don't get 8+ hours of sleep, despite meds/therapy/etc. We couldn't afford a doula/night nanny but we did offset our schedules so I got the sleep I needed. I went to bed around 8 pm so when my husband went to bed around 2 am there were only a couple hours of overlap and I typically got all the sleep I needed.

I don't know your specifics, but there are ways to make this work if you decide you want to. Having a kid has become the biggest adventure of my life. He's 1.5 now and talks all the time and is growing up to be so much fun. I want to have another next year!

 

[richeal]

@starlight54 I think your setup is pretty common. When I was dating my boyfriend we were pretty much in the no camp when it came to kids. We had a lot of reasons for it. My boyfriend was much more open to changing his mind than I was. There is also illness in my family history.

Years down the road, at 32, we'd been married for a while and we agreed that we wanted to become parents. We figured millions of other people figure it out, so we would too. All of your questions and concerns have an answer to them, and that answer is "it's really hard but you figure it out and money helps" 99% of the time. The sleeplessness part is why we are one and done when it comes to kids. Some babies sleep wonderfully. Ours did not.

All I can say is that if you decide to get married, you need to be very clear on your expectations about kids before you marry. We were lucky in that we both said no, and then we both changed our minds at the same time. If one person really wants something the other person doesn't, it can and does lead to divorce. Divorce really sucks, but it's still much better than someone raising a kid they never wanted (kids can tell and they're not very thankful about it), or you never getting the child you desperately want.

 

[katrina2017]

@starlight54 Not wanting kids is perfectly fine and you don't need to have a reason for it. Only you know if you're trying to justify it or if these are your only hold ups and really either is fine. Having children is a lot of work and a big commitment and I respect your abilities to say "Hey. This might not be for me."

That said, your reasons are completely overcomeable. People with disabilities have children. All the time. Of these are your only hold ups and you really are okay with having children, a discussion with your GF about your concerns are in order. It's possible you may be able to work through them together.

If you have these concerns and you also kind of feel like you just don't want kids ever and these are in addition to that, this is okay, too. But you'll need to let your GF know up front that you're not on board and won't change your mind. It's not fair to her to think you'll just change your mind and it's not fair to you. Be honest up front which side of this fence you're on.