23f cannot wait to start a family (hoping to start TTC this year)

[sam81]

EDIT*** because there’s A LOT of assumptions that just aren’t true.

1. I live with my partner in Australia, making us in a “de facto relationship” which means if we split I am entitled to half of everything. So marriage (while I do want to be married) doesn’t really add additional benefit in terms of security, child support/custody etc..
2. I don’t think about TTC every minute of every day, if I knew people would take that literally I wouldn’t have written it. I do think about it a lot but I’m not unhealthily obsessed nor do I believe I need to speak to a therapist about it. (Also VERY strange to assume I’m neurodivergent because I made a throw away comment but I digress)
3. Although I am young, I have been in the workforce for 10 years and am currently studying & working and have some of my own savings.
   My partner fully supports my choice to be a SAHM and yes, I will be 100% financially dependent on him if I choose to do this. However, if I decide I don’t like being a SAHM or my relationship goes south (god forbid) I will not be a poor helpless girl who can’t get on her feet. I have 10 years of skills & experience including management, sales, disability & community services. So I’m fine, but thanks for the concern.
4. I just want to say that I’m a little disappointed in this group. I posted on here for a bit of fun and to connect with like-minded people but instead I find myself being judged and some very harsh assumptions being made. Yes I’m young, yes I could have phrased the post better but fuck me lighten up a bit. If you have a concern ask a question don’t just assume the worst and attack people. Thanks!

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I (23f) literally think about getting pregnant/having a baby every minute of every day. I know this is biology working it’s magic screaming that I’m in my most fertile years but aside from that I genuinely feel ready to start a family. I’m the happiest I have ever been not only in myself but in my relationship. I’ve been with my partner (29m) for 4 years and in the last 6-12 months we’ve really focused on us I.e. therapy, figuring out our identities and roles in our relationship.
This might be controversial but I am so excited to be a more traditional wife/mother and can’t wait to be a SAHM (very grateful that we are in the financial position to do so).
Partner & I are going to Europe for 2 months in June/July and we have discussed eloping this year (if all goes to plan… he still has to propose lol). I’d love to start TTC straight away like I’m talking on our elopement night. But I do wonder if I’m getting over excited that it’ll happen this year because we have a BUSY year with Europe & potential elopement on top of what feels like hundreds of family events. I know for a fact that my partner is on board with starting a family sooner rather than later but he doesn’t care as much about being married beforehand whereas I’d really rather be married. I guess we’ll see what happens but I do wonder if it’s too advantageous to believe it’ll all happen this year. What do y’all think?

 

[ahmedc]

@sam81 I don’t want to put a damper on your parade, truly, but I do think that you need to take a moment and step back. First, I would try to temper your excitement until your partner proposes or provides a definitive timeline for an elopement. The last thing you want is to make plans, only to discover his thinking was more hypothetical in nature. You also would not want to unintentionally pressure him into taking such a steps before he is ready to do so.

Second, you mention a desire to be a SAHM. There’s nothing wrong with that. But before you go that route, you really should wait until you are married. You are giving up your time and opportunity to develop a career and independent livelihood. Should the relationship sour, he has no legal obligation to you outside of child support (which you would have to establish in court). You should also ensure you have your own set of emergency funds in which only you can access.

Third, while it may take a while to conceive, you might become pregnant sooner than expected. You also may experience various challenges while expecting (ex. morning sickness). With how much travel you have planned, it might be worth considering whether it would be prudent to delay TTC to avoid disruption.

Finally, you mention how he is six years older than you (which in your 20s could be considered a size able age gap), that you are currently seeing a therapist, and that he would prefer to TTC sooner regardless of marital status. I don’t have enough details to express an opinion, but collectively they could be considered red flags in a given context. Only you can make that determination.

 

[devastatednate]

@ahmedc These are all excellent points. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve seen on Reddit who had children young, before establishing their own financial independence, and then discovered that their partner was cheating on them or abusive. Many of those women talk about their sense that they are trapped in the relationship because they have no means to support themselves and their child if they leave their partner. It’s an extremely vulnerable position to put both yourself and your child in, as the breadwinner holds all the power if you’re not married. Not saying this will happen to OP, but I have read so many awful stories that I feel increasingly wary these situations.

 

[clertole]

@ahmedc

Finally, you mention how he is six years older than you (which in your 20s could be considered a size able age gap), that you are currently seeing a therapist, and that he would prefer to TTC sooner regardless of marital status. I don’t have enough details to express an opinion, but collectively they could be considered red flags in a given context. Only you can make that determination.

Seriously--a six-year age gap at 19 is huge. Between all of this and the fact that they're "figuring out their roles in the relationship" and that means that, surprise, she's going to be a "traditional wife" while he's the only one earning an income? Especially since she's so young that she almost certainly doesn't have her own savings or an established enough career that she could fall back on after years out of the workforce?

I hope for her sake that OP is an exception to the very well-established rule, but every last detail of this is the textbook path to ending up stuck in a financially abusive relationship. It's not a coincidence that every decision her partner has made in their relationship and every preference he has just so happens to tilt the power dynamic further and further in his favor.

 

[katrina2017]

@clertole What is wrong with her wanting to TTC at 23? I'm missing that part.

 

[clertole]

@katrina2017 You're probably "missing that part" because I literally never said it.

 

[beemer345]

@sam81 I’m a family law attorney. Please don’t TTC before marriage. Seriously. It’s a recipe for disaster. BUT, on the flip side, unlike some people here I totally support you marrying young (if your relationship is healthy) and TTCing right away! I was married at 23 and would’ve been sooo immediately ready for a baby if I hadn’t been in school. I fully support you devoting yourself to being a traditional wife/SAHM! Just don’t do it before marriage

 

[andy316]

@beemer345 may i ask what the main reasoning is here? more protection if you decide to split or?

 

[beemer345]

@andy316 Yes, exactly!

 

[beaufordqrastus]

@beemer345 What if the female is the main breadwinner and the male is a stay at home dad— would you still say it’s just as important to get married before TTC?

 

[beemer345]

@beaufordqrastus Absolutely yes! Doesn’t matter. Even if both parents are working, kids out of wedlock is a legal nightmare if things go wrong

 

[jadair80]

@beaufordqrastus I would! For the man, that is. If they are in a country where common law marriage isnt s thing.

I'm in the UK and part of why I want marriage before we try is my partner's financial status and wanting him to br protected if his career takes a hit, given he will likely be going part time and taking the brunt of it as I earn more.

 

[cookiedough7177]

@sam81 Get married before you TTC for the legal benefits at least.

 

[samiwhitie]

@sam81 I think when we don’t have a clear timeline in place and it feels like we could become pregnant any time it can absolutely take over your mind. Looking back, I think this is exactly what happened to me last year. I went from being excited to have a baby when the time was right to not being able to stop thinking about it. Because we had moved into a home that we technically could have a baby in, and because we hadn’t agreed a clear timeline I told myself that maybe it could happen at some point last year. I think (and this is just a total assumption not based on any research) that maybe when we feel that motherhood is on the horizon we subconsciously begin to plan/overthink/obsess over the idea because our mothering instincts take over and we feel we need to prepare asap.

That’s just how I feel looking back at the last year since I now have a timeline and it’s changed my feelings a lot. It’s hard to explain, but it feels less like an almost painful obsession that I couldn’t get out of my head and more like something I’m just incredibly excited for and enjoy thinking about (most the time, of course I still have hard times).

So that’s just to say that if you relate at all then maybe agreeing a timeline with your partner (even if it’s slightly further away than you currently want) will ease your feelings in the same way it did for me. Knowing I have 1.5 years to wait makes it easier for me to focus on other things and prepare because I can rest in the knowledge that it will happen, but just not right now.

I hope that’s a little helpful!

 

[sashakasha]

@sam81 I think if ttc is taking over all of your thoughts every single day, you may want to speak to your therapist. Birth control can really regulate your hormones so that your life isn’t being disrupted by these thoughts and desires. There’s no reason to rush.

 

[sam81]

@sashakasha Birth control is not an option. I have no desire to mess with my hormones, have tried it and it fucked with me mentally.
I wouldn’t say it’s taking over my thoughts but it’s something that I definitely think about a lot, not enough to be concerning or disruptive though.
I can see how it seems like I’m “rushing” but no need for concern.

 

[sashakasha]

@sam81 You say you think about it every minute of every day. That’s a bit concerning.

 

[sam81]

@sashakasha Okay maybe that was a slight exaggeration. Regardless I think I can decide whether or not it’s cause for concern but thank you.

 

[leonard_eccentric]

@sam81 I totally “got” that you were exaggerating on that part and I can feel your excitement! For some reason when people are focusing 100% on going to school and getting their degree it’s normal and encouraged, but it’s looked at as a problem if a woman is focused on starting a family and becoming a mother.

Is your desire to start a family disrupting your daily life? Are you not eating? Avoiding time with family/friends? Not showing up to work? If so then yes I would say that wouldn’t be healthy, but if you’re just excited and looking forward to that time then I say that’s pretty dang normal!

I think it’s beautiful and it sounds like you guys are going to be ready to start TTC soon!

 

[sam81]

@leonard_eccentric Thank you! That’s exactly what I was trying to portray.. excitement.
I think a lot of woman are taught now that being focused on starting a family (especially in early 20s) that we’re “not living up to our full potential”. When a lot of women see being a parent as the ultimate goal & can be just as, if not more fulfilling than a career.