17 year olds & sex

[yakob123]

So my daughter is 17 and a senior in high school. She's had a few boyfriends but it never lasted long. She's a couple months into her first serious relationship. Her and I have had discussions about sex. She's been on birth control for a couple years due to her periods and recently just switched from pills to the shot because she was horrible at remembering to take the pills. She knows she should also be using condoms. I am all about her having bodily autonomy & having sex when she's ready. That's not where the issue lies. What I'm struggling with right now is when they spend time together at my house I feel very uncomfortable with thinking about sexual activity going on while I'm there. I've obviously been a teenager and I know all about how hormones are raging at her age. I'm not against them being intimate but I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling that my baby girl is turning into a woman with desires. I had the same feeling last week when I did her laundry and she had a new collection of g-strings. I know it doesn't make sense - I want her to be able to have the experiences she wants. I'm truly happy that she has found someone that treats her well. It's just when he comes over and are either up in her room or I come downstairs and they are lying on the couch under a blanket - I just feel so awkward about it.

She will be graduating next year, which was bringing mixed emotions. I was going to be sad to let go but I was also looking forward to having more independence. Now she announced that she does not want to go to a 4 year school and will likely be living at home a while longer to go to community college. I want her to be able to explore the path she wants to take but one of the thoughts I had was how am I going to deal with her basically being an adult with a boyfriend that is going to be coming over a lot. I know I sound like I'm weirdly focused on her sexual life, and really I'm not. It's not something I'm constantly thinking about. I just don't know how to handle it when they're together in my house. Is anyone else going through this or would like to share any boundaries they have set? I know that if they want sex to happen, they'll figure out a way to do it. Right now they are not allowed to be alone in the house, which is more his parent's rule than mine. I almost wish that I could do away with that so they can have privacy.

I'm going to sit my daughter down and talk to her about it but I want to make sure I approach it the right way.

 

[vonhelton]

@yakob123 I’m so glad you posted this because the uncomfortable feeling is real!! I’m so curious how people deal with this! And it’s so uncomfortable having the thought as a mom like “I’d rather it under my roof than a strangers house or around his parents, etc” but then at the same time I’m like ahhhh just no because is that weird??? Gah. It’s all so weird. And I’m like you, I get it and am not against it in general when she’s ready… it’s everything else outside of that that breaks my brain . I’ve talked to her about it and explained I have no idea what’s right to do and I need some time to wrap my brain around how to handle it comfortably and appropriately. I laughed and she laughed and said ok. SO WHAT DOES EVERYONE DO???

 

[yakob123]

@vonhelton Unfortunately I tried to talk to my daughter this evening & I failed miserably. I didn't explain myself well & she ran to her room crying. Sigh. This is so hard

 

[vonhelton]

@yakob123 It’s so important for us as parents to set boundaries and be mature and protective and teach them about life.. but a big part of that can sometimes be letting them know we actually are just winging this shit and we often don’t know what the hell we are doing

 

[vonhelton]

@yakob123 So so hard. It doesn’t mean you failed, it means you learned a way that won’t be successful. Try again. Say you know you didn’t do a good job explaining, and you want to try again. Tell her how you feel as if you were telling a friend of yours. Often times teens need to humanize us before they can understand that we really are trying here. Everyone’s trying. She’s lucky to have a mom who cares so much!

 

[katrina2017]

@yakob123 So, when I was 17 I was already doing my own laundry for a few years. It's time she start doing her own laundry. I would not be ok with my mom washing and sorting my sexy underwear.
Second, just because she's active we can still be ok with that while also setting boundaries. We have a 17 year old in our house (my step son). We know he and his long term gf are sexually active but we don't encourage it to happen in our house... at least, not while we are at home. We have 2 younger kids under 10 here so we are careful what they are exposed to. When she is over and they are in his room, the door stays open. If she stays over, she sleeps downstairs and he stays upstairs.
I'm sure people will come at me but these are boundaries we are comfortable with. Boundaries and autonomy/sex positivity don't need to be mutually exclusive.

 

[yakob123]

@katrina2017 Your boundaries make a lot of sense and you make a good point that autonomy & boundaries can coexist. She does do her laundry half the time but between school & work she doesn't have a lot of free time. I WFH so I offer to do hers. She's known how to do laundry herself since she was 10. But I do want her to become more independent. If she is going to live at home after graduation she will be responsible for her own laundry & things like groceries & most meals.

 

[moshil]

@yakob123 If she wants to start enjoying adult relationships and adult privileges (laying on top of her BF under a blanket in YOUR house that you pay for) then she needs to be doing more of her own stuff, like laundry and preparing simple meals.

 

[yakob123]

@moshil She does already do those things. I do her laundry sometimes because I work from home so it's not that much trouble & why run separate smaller loads when I can combine since it's just the 2 of us. She does make her own food most of the time. She's honestly a pretty independent & responsible kid

 

[whoami_aghost]

@yakob123 X

 

[moshil]

@whoami_aghost Finally some sense

 

[michaelo]

@yakob123 It is so hard!

I am not at this stage right now.

But I would consider the following.

It is a quite the emotional transition for you and it’s Ok to have crazy emotional contradictions and emotionally grieve that that immature teen & child that you knew is no longer here, and she is now an mature teen & immature adult. It’s going to take a minute to sort through all those feelings — and that is OK. Grief takes it’s own path & time line, even if it’s not what people consider “traditional grief”.

You can set the boundaries in your house. Plenty of parents have PDA rules. I know you are treading carefully due to his parents, but I think that’s sort of presumptuous that at 17!!!! They are telling you what to do in YOUR house. Plenty of parents have “take it to your room” rules. Plenty of parents have “not under our roof” rules. And as a whole, most teens & young adults survive and develop healthy relationships in all scenarios. Do what feels right to you. Most teens can also empathize with the ick factor when it is explained to them and understand, “would you want me/other parent pawing at each other under a blanket or kissing passionately?…Well, it’s the same for me — when you & your boyfriend are doing that. So please consider this.”

And last about community college — i would need more information, but if she is staying for the boy, idk, I would really investigate what her motives are.

Best of luck to you.

 

[yakob123]

@michaelo Thank you for your understanding & kind words! I do feel weird about enforcing his parent's rule in my house but I also know that they restricted their time together when they found out I went to bed while he was still here. I'm definitely going to talk to my daughter because I do think she will understand. I think taking to to their room makes sense. I don't want to have to sit on my couch & think about what went on there. We did have a talk yesterday about the community College thing because I had the same concerns. I do think that's part of it. But she keeps flip flopping on career goals, she doesn't want to graduate with a ton of debt & she hates the idea of living in a dorm & sharing a bathroom. So it makes sense to start out at community College to get her prereqs out of the way. She can always transfer later.

 

[yusha]

@yakob123 This seems like more a matter of respect between the two of you. Does your daughter respect you enough to not do those things with you present? If you’ve already had conversations about sex and how to be smart/safe about it, it just comes down to a “be considerate about it” talk.

 

[yakob123]

@yusha This is her first close relationship so we are both treading new waters here & trying to figure things out as we go. We've talked about sex, now we just need to talk about boundaries in the house

 

[tooltime]

@yakob123 One boundary to consider going forward is discussing how to not involve other people into your and your partner’s intimate life without their consent. A small amount of affection or PDA isn’t a big deal, but too much PDA for people of any age can cross that line. If you’ve had healthy sexuality talks then she could understand this — what’s a normal amount of PDA that her parents, acquaintances, or other family members could do in her presence that she feels is normal? The same logic continues to apply for boyfriends in the house (ie making too much noise), as well as rules about how guests interact with the rest of the family (going straight to their room without saying hello). You don’t want your family’s day to day life to be changed or made awkward by the presence or behaviors of any guests.

 

[staber12]

@yakob123 My 17 year old daughter has had a boyfriend for the last 2 years. She is also on birth control and I’m not a dummy and know how teenagers are. We have rules at our house. When they are in her room the door stays open. They are not allowed to be under the blankets together. I can’t control what she does at his house but his parents have the same rules.

 

[yakob123]

@staber12 Just out of curiosity do you plan to loosen those rules when she turns 18?

 

[laurapalooza]

@yakob123

I just don't know how to handle it when they're together in my house

When they are watching TV in the living room, don't make too much noise. When they make lunch in the kitchen, ask them to clean up their mess. When she closes her bedroom door, leave her alone.

 

[yakob123]

@laurapalooza I do make a point to do that. I go out of my way to give them privacy. I try not to walk by whatever room they're in unless I have to.