14 yo son called me a b***h

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abovethewaves

New member
This stung! I think I’m a good mom. Not perfect. We get along 75% of the time, which I think is good for the teen years. However, I have a 26 year old son and he never called me names. We got along perfectly and still do. My 14 yo has a completely different personality than I do and we see things very differently, which leads to conflict. I let a lot of things go and don’t take them personally because I know his hormones are going nuts. But for some reason when he calls me names it just hurts. I react badly to this and we end up not talking for a day or two. What’s a reasonable way to handle this? Am I just too uptight thinking name calling is unacceptable?

Edit: The reason for the argument was stupid. He likes to tell me how to drive even though he’s always on his phone when I’m driving and literally couldn’t even tell you how to navigate to our house. He accused me of cutting off a car. Which I did not do. Which he didn’t even see because he was on his phone.
 
@abovethewaves My son and I had a disagreement yesterday. He has been falling behind in school work, making excuses, not telling the truth. I called him on the ever changing story. He ended up angry, saying “Fuck You”

I absolutely don’t think swearing at your parent is an appropriate response. I disengaged and left the conversation. In the moment, I didn’t see any point in addressing it and further escalating. I think it’s better to disengage and discuss when things are cool.
 
@pastorben This is absolutely the right answer...a teenager saying fuck you, or you're a bitch is the exact same energy as a 3ry old calling you a poopyhead and saying I hate you, you're a mean mom.

Which means... don't lose your shit at the kid, dont escalate the situation like everyone is saying here..and talk to them later about why it isn't okay to use those words.

All this 'take their phone away..they are grounded' garbage..just shows them that you are triggered by mean word...boo hoo. What a silly thing to give up your control over.
 
@julia13 I think so. Disengaging sends the message you won’t listen to abusive words. Gives the opportunity for both parties to evaluate their approach and have a do over if needed.

If it’s a pattern of behaviour, might be time to rethink approach and see if something else might be going on.
 
@abovethewaves There's a lot of anger from other parents here, saying they would never tolerate or accept that, and then threats of physical violence toward the child, not cool.

Having said that, your son is in hormonal hell, angry at everything, and you for some reason. He decided to try his luck at speaking to you disrespectfully, put a toe in the water so to speak. As one of the other parents on here said you have to get over the being sad bit and parent him more strongly.

I went through hell earlier this year due to my son acting out. Our whole family did, and I had to learn to put my big girl pants on and be a whole lot tougher. I hadn't planned on doing that, I was quite content just pootling along, my other kid didn't require me turning into Darth Vader or whatever. It was difficult for me, but I forced myself to be a bit tougher and a bit meaner, and it has benefited my son and me.

You have to practice being tougher and he will kick back against it for sure, but you need to keep the upper hand, and yes, take the phone away from him. If he 'inconveniences' you by making you feel sad because he uses abusive words towards you, well you damn well inconvenience him. It's the only way. Remember he is testing the limits here, so you show him them. Good Luck.
 
@abovethewaves Oooof. That’s a hard one. I try to remember that teens are like big toddlers — they have a whole lot going on and they don’t regulate well. I am not excusing the behavior, but it is helpful to contextualize.

So, I’d warn against the domination style of parenting (believing he is just testing you and cracking down harder on him.) For a first time, I’d wait until things calm down and then discuss it and give him a chance to apologize. Think about what a reasonable consequence would be if he were to do it again, and let him know that it isn’t acceptable, and X will happen if it happens again. The goal though is for him to acknowledge that it was wrong, and to apologize, and do better.

My son cusses a lot when he gets angry — no name calling, but it was still upsetting. Recently I noticed on some reality show that most young adults’ language with their peers is very rough. I think teens sometimes have trouble shifting between ‘discourse communities.’ (Like, knowing when it is ok to curse.) It is our job to help them with that. I have not been perfect in this regard, and my son’s peer group (athletes and nerds both) cuss a lot. So.. I guess I’m saying that it probably feels very personal, but it may not be that personal.

But sorry - that would hurt for sure.
 
@abovethewaves I get the sting and hurt you feel. Try and remember that they haven't reached the maturity to verbalize better and are feeling a lot of emotions that are hard to process. (((HUGS)))
 
@abovethewaves In my opinion you seem more sad and hurt than pissed off about it. I get the sad part, that would definitely sting. But this isn't your partner or your friend calling you a bitch, it's your child. That is blatant disrespect and I would absolutely not tolerate it in any way.

If you don't nip this in the bud like...yesterday, it's only going to get worse.
 
@katrina2017 Consequences. I would take away privileges because they’re not entitled to them just for existing. Privileges need to be earned by whatever they agree on such as good grades, tidy room, chores done, treating others especially those you live with with common respect.

I’d also make sure I’m spending quality time with them and trying to do things they want to do in order to build on the relationship.

Talk to him/try to teach him how to communicate effectively. He can feel however he wants to feel. His feelings are valid. But name calling is never and it doesn’t get to the root of the problem. WHY do you feel this way about me? WHAT am I doing that’s eliciting this reaction? Once they figure out what it is that upset them so intensely teach them to rephrase their frustration in a constructive way like “mom I really don’t like it when you swerve in and out between cars because it makes me anxious. Can you please not do that when I’m in the car with you?” I don’t think that’s what happened but it’s just an example. Being a teen isn’t easy, they’ve got a lot of feelings and they might not even understand them but teaching them how to articulate when something is upsetting and suggest a solution is a valuable tool in life. If the kid learns to communicate his needs respectfully feels like his mom is being receptive and he’s being heard, it can do wonders for their relationship.
 
@abovethewaves Yep it’s unacceptable. I would say something like, I’m sorry your frustrated. We can talk about how to solve your problems. Name calling is always unacceptable. Words hurt and we need to use them carefully.
 
@soberarthur Spitting facts. This is the natural consequence to the son's actions. Don't confuse kids. Broke a vase? Natural consequence is that you have to clean up and make an effort to replace it. Been a bully? Natural consequence is to remove them from a toxic environment, engage them in a positive one, and make the victim whole again.
 
@abovethewaves I think you need to set a firm boundary - he does not have the right to control you or call you names. I mean, I'm sorry but who the fuck does he think he is? I would be SO pissed. It is ok to be mad and shut that shit down because one day he's going to have a partner and someone needs to have told him you don't treat people like that.

If he's going to be an ass when you drive, he can find someone else to drive you or sit his ass in the back seat. If he's going to call you names, he can forget all those nice things you do that he could do for himself.

I am all about gentle parenting, listening, talking things out, but this is just fucking rude.
 
@abovethewaves Your son feels frustration, anger, conflict. He’s expressing it. You need to recognize that frustration, anger, and communicate to him that it’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to disagree with you, and it’s ok for him to speak how he feels - that you’re open to hearing his feelings always because you care about him and you dislike fighting as much as he does. You also need to let him know that expressing it in that way is intentionally hurtful and not an acceptable way to communicate that stress, no matter how much you butt heads. Both of these parts are equally important. You 1) create a relationship where he trusts you enough to tell you how he feels and thinks and 2) teach him how to be respectful, which is ESPECIALLY impactful if you have examples of how to express anger in a healthy way, or use a coping mechanism calm down until you can communicate with kindness, and if you model those yourself!

Teens are learning how to deal with their emotions. He certainly knows it’s rude and not okay to call you that. It’s your responsibility to respect his emotions, but explain and model (FREQUENTLY) how to handle them.
 
@jonvil I wish the people who raised me were better models. I feel like they tried to teach me that, if I ever showed big emotions, the appropriate response was to prepare to get stamped by a big metaphorical boot.

Each comment I scroll by touting physical harm or taking things away at random break my heart every time. "Toughen up," my ass. I'm learning that people who weren't raised with empathy usually don't have a big appetite for it.
 
@abovethewaves Well, if you don't actually have the fortitude or backup to follow through on any punishments for insulting you like that (eg. a more lenient other parent), a good retort would have been: well if I'm a bitch then you're a son-of-a-bitch that's gonna start walking everywhere. Then point at him and laugh while leaving the room. Let him stew on that.

Yes, it's petty reacting from an insult with an insult, but lightly besting your children in a tease will garner way more respect from them than just disengaging, as an intelligent, boundary-pushing teenager will just see that disengagement as a weakness to exploit. Plus, as a confident, fully functioning adult who's no longer bogged down with the trappings of teen angst will always have the upper hand.

Also, tell him he can criticize your driving when he gets his license. I bet you are a good mom, doing a fine job of raising your son. Good luck.
 
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