13 y/o giving his number out against my wishes

[susanpath32]

My 8th grader just got a phone despite my extreme apprehension (I'm old school and he doesn't have a need to communicate with me because I'm a SAHM). We just moved to a new school where he doesn't know anyone. He's taking it with him for safety reasons due to his method of getting to and from and has now exchanged numbers with a girl he just met today. There's a park right next to the school and he just asked if he could go there after school tomorrow. The first week isn't even over, he barely knows anyone, I don't know who he's meeting, there's no adult oversight there, etc. I said no and said he should get to know people first before seeking to meet unsupervised by anyone.

I don't want to be unfair but I'm highly uncomfortable and would like some insight to help me process what's reasonable and what isn't. The phone was meant to be used to communicate with us, not be opened up for social purposes. How should I handle this?

Edit to say: after a conversation with him about it, he expressed having romantic interest in this girl. He's also extremely impulsive, more naive than his peers, and socially awkward which makes me even more protective.

Edit x 2: he was the one pressuring her into all the aforementioned, if that changes anything for you all. This isn't just him trying to make friends. He's had access to communication with friends amply in the past via other platforms and never talks to them.

 

[walknlight]

@susanpath32 He's one year away from high school and you don't want him talking on the phone to other kids at his school?? Seems a little extreme, especially if he's trying to make new friends at a new school. Maybe compromise and agree to a phone check every so often? Has he given you a reason to not trust him? You are going to have to give him some responsibility at some point..

 

[susanpath32]

@walknlight We recently caught him with pornographic material on one of his devices. Which, I know is normal and we had a conversation about, but the "threshold of innocence" has been broken. He's going through a girl crazy phase right now. If it were a boy, I would be more relaxed about it but still be uncomfortable and ask to meet parents. Because it's a girl he's said he likes (he lit.er.al.ly. just met her today), I'm extremely wary and not entirely trusting.

 

[justme12345678910]

@susanpath32 Set his device so that anything over 18 plus is blocked. You have to give him some trust if you're giving him the phone you have to let him give out his number. He's not too young to be giving out his number to friends or girls he likes. He's at the age where he likes girls and it's only going to get worse from here mom!

 

[walknlight]

@susanpath32 I mean it’s no wonder he’s socially awkward, you’re making a big deal over nothing. You won’t allow him to be a normal boy, granted the porn is not okay, but what is to you? You don’t trust him and it sounds like you treat him as a possession and not a human. OF COURSE he has a romantic interest in a girl… HES 13. Does that mean he’s going to run out and be sexually active? No. Does it mean he’s exploring the idea of living another woman other than his mother? God forbid… /s.

How do you think he is going to learn how to not be naive, socially awkward and impulsive? It’s not by staying under your thumb forever.

 

[susanpath32]

@walknlight Thanks for the harsh judgement on the small sliver of life you've had a momentary glimpse into, internet stranger. I appreciate your commentary but you know nothing of our lives as people.

 

[walknlight]

@susanpath32 I mean you posted for opinions, don’t be upset that everyone doesn’t share yours. You gave me all the info I needed to make my inference.. you called your own son all these things and I feel bad for him to be honest. Me personally, my self esteem would be lacking if my own parent felt that I was too stupid to handle simple interactions with my peers then call me awkward for it.

 

[susanpath32]

@walknlight I'm wondering where you gathered that these went from simple, private observations of my own child to words that I was using to berate him.

 

[walknlight]

@susanpath32 You say it literally in your own edit?? Listen, you clearly came here for validation rather than insight. I’m not trying to argue with and “internet stranger”. If you can’t even remotely consider that you might be slightly in the wrong then I guess don’t take to Reddit. I don’t know you. You explained yourself and that’s the context I have. Good luck I guess.

 

[susanpath32]

@walknlight They're two separate sentences so you misread.

Best of luck to you. People would be more receptive to your words if they weren't so absolutely chastising (at least here, on Reddit). I'm sure you have a lot of great perspective.

 

[samsam53]

@susanpath32 I think you’re being way too limiting. Thirteen year olds communicate with each other largely by text. I highly suggest installing the ScreenTime function if you have an iPhone, which lets you set time limits and permissions app by app. It isn’t perfect, but you can give him some freedom while blocking porn sites, limiting excessive screen time, setting when and whom he can communicate with, etc. It’s great that he is meeting new friends. Remember when we were kids and we got a book delivered to our houses each year with every person in the area’s home address and phone #?

 

[filavenon]

@samsam53 Soon enough his number will be sacred and only for good friends so I wouldn’t worry about that. What’s going on sounds normal and honestly don’t know very many teens that aren’t socially awkward most of the time. I hope you’ve had a sex talk though, it’s never too early and you can edit per their maturity level. His hormones are apparently raging but he needs to know about things/consent and to not send or ask for any pics. My daughters good friends mom does the screen time thing. My daughter says the mom has the ability to read the text messages, not sure if this is true but I would consider that an invasion of privacy and compare it to my mom walking around my friends and I all day listening to our conversations, taking notes or reading my diary back in the day. So instead she uses Snapchat to text in private..there’s ways around everything and odds are if your kid doesn’t know how to bipass them, then one of their friends does.

Parenting a teen is a brutal everyday changing scenario. Good luck.

 

[samsam53]

@filavenon Yeah you can set very specific permissions. We don’t have the ability to read texts because I agree I think that’s an invasion of privacy. You can get quite granular in setting permissions. Yes, there are ways around it if the kid is technologically savvy, like with everything. In our case, it has worked very well because we don’t have everything filtered to the max.

 

[susanpath32]

@samsam53 I appreciate your advice, thank you

 

[katrina2017]

@susanpath32 Imo, in this day and age not having a phone at age 13 is not great for social inclusion. You can create time limits on them or physically take it away when he gets home so he does homework without distraction and is not up all night on it. Otherwise if he is able to meet new people and connect with them—esp since he moved—then its not a bad thing? [all this said without knowledge of your area]. Offer to drive him to see who he is meeting and maybe say hi. Then relax.

 

[derek1995]

@susanpath32 He's 13, you're being unfair. Treating him like he's 7 is a surefire way to get him socially excluded before he's even socially included.

 

[susanpath32]

@derek1995 I don't believe that's treating him like he's 7 and I think that's harsh. There are so many dangers to technology that the vast majority of parents ignore either because they don't understand it themselves or they don't care enough. As someone with a highly technical background and more understanding than the average bear, I stand by my stance that smartphones are irresponsibly given to children. They lack a true understanding of the consequences of what they put out into the world and are impulsively driven, at no fault of their own. It's simply a matter of maturity, growth, and brain development.

 

[peace363]

@susanpath32 I agree with your take on smartphones, and I’m sure your aware there were other options for a phone. Your making unfair assumptions about other parents, Sure they exist but mostly we all want the best and we all realize a little too late that we have less control than we thought.
The biggest mistake I see isn’t that kids screw up. It’s that we transfer our anxiety and fears onto them and create an environment where it isn’t okay to make mistakes and then talk about them openly and without judgement and shame.

 

[jainty123]

@susanpath32 Your OP isn’t that he is using the phone for improper reasons - it’s that he is using it for one on one conversation with another kid. That’s literally what phones are made for, smart or no.

 

[karin70]

@susanpath32 I completely agree with this. I wish that smart phones were not allowed for use under age 16.