1 month, wishing you could go back and not have a baby, postpartum thought or worse?

[yuliia]

I’m worried for my wife. She’s having dark thoughts. Catching her crying in different corners of the house. Crying in the middle of the night. She asked me if we made a mistake. Asked if her life is over. Said it feels like ground hog day. Our daughter has not been easy so far. A lot of scream crying. My wife doesn’t seem attached. Me either so much but I’m being strong as possible and pushing through for her and us. My wife was the one that pushed for years to have a baby. Im wondering if she just felt family pressure to do so (btw the family that pushed isn’t helping much at all). I’m thinking it has to get better and this is just the hardest time? Please let me know if this is normal or was she not meant to be a mother. Feeling very worried.

Edit: sorry I’m not able to respond to every reply, but please understand each and every one means so much. Through you all I am finding strength and I believe my energy is passing through to my wife. I love her so much. I’m so glad I reached out and made this post

 

[ihavetwofeet41]

@yuliia This may be a hot take - no one is "meant" to be a mother. There is no speciality tag you're given when you are born that tells you if you're meant to mother, like no one is meant to be an addict. No one is meant to die in a head on collision on their way home from work. No one is meant to get cancer. However, things happen. She got pregnant and gave birth. Now she's going through the most difficult thing she may ever (hopefully) have to go through. Becoming a mother means you lose your identity. You lose your sleep. You lose the ability to eat when you want, go where you want, hell even shower when you NEED to. Especially if you have a high needs baby, you lose everything for them. Her body is no longer the same, she is probably still in some physical pain/discomfort, she probably feels like a failure and that she shouldn't be a mother. That's where you come in, you reassure her. Every day, every second if you can. You tend to her, make sure she has water, snacks, let her go shower. She is so fucking strong, OP. She lost her body for 9 months to grow the tiny human you both made, she housed your baby safely with love, and now that baby is out her hormones have completely shifted. I have said before that PPD feels like drowning. When you finally get up for air, all you can do is breathe. You physically can't say "help me", because you know you need to take that moment to breathe. Help her even though she may not ask. Take the baby from her for a little while. Don't make it an option. You may be struggling too, and PPD is very real for fathers as well. But she's still healing. She went through a long 9 months, and her body is still not fully hers again.

No one is meant to be a mother, but when we become mothers we may find so much more purpose in life. We may find the happiest we have ever been, but we will also find the saddest and darkest parts of us too. There is no way around it, for most of us that struggle anyway. All we can do is go through it. When my baby was 4 weeks old I cried every day. I wanted to die. My baby is 6 weeks old tomorrow and I feel so very differently. Becoming a parent is so hard. No one is meant to do it, but we do it because that's all we can do. Love each other through this. Reassure her constantly if she needs it. Love her through this.

 

[yuliia]

@ihavetwofeet41 Wow you got me choked up. Thank you so much. You have no idea how lifting that was. I actually do most of the work now, feedings, up at nights, research on formulas, etc. I’m trying to get her back to normal asap. Thank you again.

 

[dalmasy]

@yuliia My husband has been saying the same thing to me. He wants to help me get back to "normal." I don't think my husband means to be pushy. He's trying to be helpful. But try your very best not to make statements around being "normal" or back to her usual self, etc.

She may never be her old self again because she's a mom now. It's something my therapist said to me that hit me differently in all the right ways. I kept waiting to feel like myself again instead of learning to love my new self and new life. I spent 9 months waiting for this baby, excited for this baby, and the last few months of it craving a break from being pregnant. Then you're a mom, and there's still no break. She may have had expectations for herself, her baby, and her life that didn't meet the realities of what's happening now and that is SO HARD!!!

More likely than not... She will be happy again. She will fall in love with the baby. She will love her life. She will settle into a new, ever changing normal - since babies are constantly changing. Don't put a time limit on it, don't push her, don't set expectations for her, just give her what she needs as best you can. I would highly suggest looking into Postpartum Support International resources for yourself and your wife. If she's not seeking therapy, I would recommend that for her too, if she's open to it. It was so helpful for me to be validated, supported, and given the tools I needed to work through all of the emotions.

For me, I started to deeply love my baby by 2 months, and slowly worked my way out of my funk now around 4 months. My cousin didn't start feeling better until 7 months, and my therapist says the first year can be full of ups and downs. I put so much pressure on myself to be a "good" mom and be back to "normal," that I think I slowed my progress by constantly pressuring and questioning myself. Try to listen, support, and commiserate. Becoming a mom is SO HARD!!!! And I think most of us feel unprepared.

Wishing you both all the best!

 

[yuliia]

@dalmasy Wow more great tips! I will not say “normal” again. Thank you! I will however have to push for help. She is one that tries not to look weak in-front of anyone and is usually the strongest. She has been against meds and therapy. Not she how to push her towards this. Just as gracefully as possible I guess. Sharing everyone’s success stories to her might help too.

 

[dawsonmng]

@yuliia Make her sleep. Getting sleep made the biggest difference with my ppd.

 

[lynnedenise]

@dawsonmng Definitely. Make sure she gets minimum 4-6 uninterrupted hours of sleep every night. It helped us tremendously.

 

[yuliia]

@dawsonmng Okay I’m going to try. It is a bit tricky because the bassinet is in here. But I grab the baby quick when she’s starting to wake up.

 

[barkatthemoon]

@yuliia When she was pregnant, what was she looking forward to experiencing once the pregnancy was over? (I.e. eating sushi, sleeping on her stomach, etc.)

Can you make those things happen at least once?

 

[yuliia]

@barkatthemoon Great idea! I will. Thank you.

 

[grammytania]

@yuliia I didn’t start feeling myself until at least 6 months after having my son. It is for sure such a raw time for emotions. It’s so hard and sometimes terrifying in the beginning and like everyone else said it does get better after the hormones leave. I had some very very dark thoughts and crazy mom guilt for even having them. I don’t think I realized how bad I felt until I started to feel “normal” again and I was like WOW that was rough.

 

[yuliia]

@grammytania Aww wow 6 months. Hope she doesn’t take that long. Hope so much she takes steps to make herself better. Thank you for sharing.

 

[emilyblack06]

@yuliia You are a really good person

 

[yuliia]

@emilyblack06 Wow thank you. Random but thoughtful and it means a lot, probly more than you even know. Reminds me to give compliments more often when I see them to give.

 

[ihavetwofeet41]

@yuliia It's great that you do that, you have no idea how much a partner is so important through this first few weeks. I hope she begins to feel like herself again soon. It's a terrible slump to be in. You're both doing the absolute best you can and you sound like great parents. You got this, both of you.

 

[yuliia]

@ihavetwofeet41 Thank you so much.

 

[robert6671]

@ihavetwofeet41 Wow, you’re speaking to so many others too with this comment. Thank you

 

[bordogamesdev]

@ihavetwofeet41 Wow who are YOU??? You sound like a freaking amazing individual and mother. Deep respect, lucky to have come across your viewpoint on this difficult topic.

 

[nrs]

@ihavetwofeet41 Everyone had their own lives before having their first baby...but that child will live their whole life having you as their mother.

 

[themaverick89]

@ihavetwofeet41 You have such a way with your words. My bébé is 13 months now but this resonated so hard. Newborn phase was brutal for me, it’s still hard so many days but I know how to better deal. You are amazing! You are the best mom for your baby!