“She needs a sibling,” says my sister in law

[dp26]

I love my sister-in-law, I want to state that up front.

https://imgur.com/a/FoWaAyV

My sister-in-law responded with the above message when my husband and I sent a group text to his sisters and mom with a picture of our 2.5 year old daughter in her newly-transitioned toddler bed. (It’s her crib but with the toddler rail on and the infant rail off.)

I know SIL means well and definitely never dreamed she would trigger this in me, but I have been so consumed by my reactionary feelings since I got this text that I needed to post this here.

When SIL said “she needs a sibling” in this group chat of 5+ family members, I said “that’s interesting, why do you say that?”

She is a really good person so she didn’t press the issue, and I love her for it.

But I just needed to come to this sub to say:

1. NO ONE except my husband and friends showed up to help me when my daughter and I almost died of a rare pregnancy complication called Incarcerated Uterus during the first and second trimester.
2. NO ONE in our family (except my dad) showed up to help us when I broke my ankle and had to have another surgery when I was six weeks postpartum with a colicky newborn.
3. NO ONE in our family (except for my dad) showed up to help us with our child who was turning 18 months as the pandemic started.
4. NO ONE in our family (except my dad) helped my husband and I keep our daughter alive while my husband and I both worked 50+ hours a week from home during the pandemic while social distancing with one other family.

And no one fucking asks how I am doing, either.

I love you, sister-in-law, but don’t tell me my daughter needs a sibling when you haven’t ever shown up except when it was convenient for you. I am a human, too, and I’m just trying to get by.

 

[pewdiepie]

@dp26 My go-to answer is “even if she does, she needs a mentally stable mother more”, and it has been surprisingly effective. I’m sorry you are going through this, people can be amazingly insensitive. You want the best for your child, and that is not necessarily a sibling.

 

[dp26]

@pewdiepie Yeah I use that one too. I just needed to vent. Thanks for the solidarity.

 

[silkrainn]

@pewdiepie Nice. I tell people “Yeah, sibs are cool, but I think my son would prefer his parents to stay married and sane.”

 

[loves2readya]

@dp26 My husband and I are dealing with this right now as well with our 2.5 year old. I feel like this age is HOT and HEAVY with the “where is #2?!?!” questions because we are approaching a “too big” of age gap between siblings according to society standards. My husband and I just think it’s hilarious that no one ever asks “do you guys want another kid” it’s ALWAYS just about a sibling. People seem to forget about the whole raising another infant part. Whatever, I find joy in how uncomfortable our reproductive choices make people.

 

[onthepathtogod]

@loves2readya That's so true! It's always, "X needs a sibling!" not "Do you want to bring another human into the world?" It's never about the feelings or desires of the parents. I wonder if this is because of the toxic martyrdom culture (especially seen with moms.) You should want to give birth again for the child, and not for yourself. Silly mothers, caring about their own money, bodily autonomy, mental health. Psssh /s

 

[scarletl]

@loves2readya my wife has a sister 12 years older than her and a sister 15 years younger than her.

age gap has not mattered for them

 

[katrina2017]

@dp26 I hate that. Are you going to raise another child with me? No? Then you don't get to voice your opinion on how many kids I need.

 

[dp26]

@katrina2017 Right! Also will they pay for hypothetical kid’s college? Come over to babysit when I’m sick? Shut your mouth, fam.

 

[insertusernamehere]

@dp26 It was always really awkward with me, because I couldn’t have anymore children after my first due to medical problems. People would keep bugging me and asking us the same question. It hurt too since I had always wanted another child and was sad that I couldn’t. If someone harassed me enough, I would tell them why. Then…silence. Maybe after that these relatives and friends of ours won’t ask someone else that question.

 

[treselinton]

@insertusernamehere People need to mind their business. It’s rude to assume everyone can and will just have healthy kids if they have more.

 

[dp26]

@insertusernamehere Oh yeah this is something I think about a lot. We didn’t have fertility problems but plenty of my friends are currently struggling with them, which is why I never fucking ask when someone is going to have a kid. It is 100 percent none of my business.

 

[katiekat14337]

@insertusernamehere Hubs and I have taken to making people super uncomfortable if they won’t drop are you going to try for another but more specifically are you going to try for a boy. We tell them our son died and then generally get stuttering apologies or back tracking.

 

[lynxpilot]

@insertusernamehere I let it fly at the first question now.

Nosy Nellie: “Sooooo… when’s she getting a sibling??”
Me: “Well, this one almost killed me and nearly died in the process, so…”

I say it cheerfully and watch as their faces turn into satisfying masks of horror as what I said sinks in. My fondest hope is that I’m absorbing the awkward (which phases me not a bit) so that they’ll never ever again ask this question of someone else.

 

[silkrainn]

@insertusernamehere Ugh, I’m sorry. See, This is another reason why I don’t like it when people ask women when they’re getting pregnant, regardless if they have a kid already. People can have fertility issues after having kids, or there might be other medical issues going on that you don’t know about. And it’s such a personal and sensitive subject for people. I really wish people would think before they speak sometimes

 

[flipflops82]

@dp26 Ugh. I feel you. I’m currently solo-parenting while my husband takes a week-long trip. All of these family members who are supposedly so enamored of our little girl, and no one could be bothered to come help me out this week. I get that I’m not entitled to anyone’s help, but also it takes a village to raise a child and my village is nonexistent.
It just chaps my ass because all of these people were sooo into our hypothetical baby but now can’t be bothered to show up and help our actual kid. I fully can’t handle them making any reference to siblings because I’m like…how tf are y’all asking for more babies when y’all barely engage with this one. “Please make another child so we can take cute holiday photos with it and do fuck all else.”
I was already planning to be OAD but the way our extended family acts has really cemented the decision for me.

 

[andriantsoa]

@flipflops82 YES! When I was pregnant my MIL called me every week, insisted on coming to see the baby ASAP (and wouldn't respect my desire for them to wait a couple weeks), and after that visit...crickets. We met up with them when baby was just a few months old several hours away from where we lived but MIL had scheduled other distant relatives to meet up also and she basically ignored her grandchild and it’s been like that ever since. She never cares about pictures, never wants to call or video chat, is always too busy to engage during visits and yet bugged us about giving her more grandkids. Like what? what makes you think you get an opinion here? So you can hang a picture on the wall and forget how old they are?

 

[dp26]

@flipflops82 I agree so hard. Don’t talk to us about having another kid until you start being the village you said you would be before we conceived our first.

 

[trinityeze]

@flipflops82 Yes, exactly. This is how my family has been and it's infuriating!

 

[scarletl]

@dp26 your dad sounds like the dad im trying to be