worried about being confrontational about my baby

S

sallyburns

New member
my baby will be 1 in 4 days, and her birthday party is the following day, this coming saturday. i’m pretty notorious for having the same conversation with my boyfriend; we won’t allow x y z or only allow x y z, but when it comes to a family event, we both are too nervous to say anything. i am SERIOUSLY this time planning on changing this for her first birthday party, but am worried about potential remarks. for example, if i need to feed her (she is EBF and has never taken a bottle besides one with water) i’m worried people might say “oh can i have her just a little longer?” or “but she isn’t crying!” i love my future MIL & FIL but when we go over around once a week for dinner, sometimes i won’t feed her in the entire 5-6 hours we’re there, and she’s a pretty easy baby so as long as she’s getting attention she won’t cry unless she’s absolutely starving. i don’t necessarily have to feed her at exactly 2-3 hours apart, but i am a SAHM and know our schedule and can tell her behavior very well, and i get uncomfortable when going long hours between feedings. or if i want to hold her on her special day i’m worried about remarks about that, since most of the family only sees her on major holidays. if anyone here is super confident about boundaries with their baby please give me some tips/things i could say, i’m desperate.
 
@sallyburns Whenever I struggle to set boundaries about my baby, I ask myself--what's more important, my comfort/another grown ass adult's comfort, or my baby's comfort? For me, it's my baby, always. There's no way in hell I would ever choose making another adult happy over feeding my baby. I'm not trying to be harsh, really, but that's what you're doing here. You're not feeding your baby for 5-6 hours at a time because you can't bring yourself to ask for her back until she's screaming and starving? You've got to do better for your little girl.

Keep it simple, keep it friendly, keep it light, but be firm. You don't discuss or debate shit when it comes to feeding your baby or spending time with your baby. She's your baby. She relies on you to meet all of her needs, and she needs you to stand up for her.

"Oh, can I have her just a little longer?" -> "No, I'll take her now, it can be grandma-time again later."

"But she isn't crying!" -> "I'll take her now, thanks!"

"Can't I help her blow out the candles?" -> "No, I'll do that, would you mind taking a picture of us?"
 
@jmp no you’re completely right. it isn’t harsh at all and ultimately i have to learn to be like this, or i’ll just to my entire life letting things go by at the expense of me or my baby. if it’s a random stranger it’s completely different but because it’s family i for some reason just lock up and i just need to overcome the fear. thank you for your message
 
@sallyburns Thank you for taking it well! You could try reminding yourself that every time you set and maintain a boundary for your daughter, you’re also teaching her how to do this on her own when she’s bigger. She needs to know how to say no and stand her ground when it matters, and you’re her best example.
 
@jmp that’s an amazing point i never even thought of. i’m big on wanting to teach her proper consent & setting her own boundaries for what she’s comfortable with, but how can she do it if i don’t? i’m really hoping i can build the confidence at her party. i have my best friend and her fiancé attending and they’re willing to step in if i’m feeling uncomfortable as well.
 
@sallyburns Exactly! We have to model the things we want our kids to do. It’s hard but it’s so important, since it’s not just about us anymore…it’s about them. Good luck—you’ve got this!
 
@sallyburns I feel the same way, it's so different with in laws. At the end of the day tho if they had a problem with my boundaries, have fun seeing her cause we ain't coming around anymore 🫡
 
@aisnee that’s the thing though, they are very nice people considering they really didn’t know me before we announced our pregnancy, so things were a little awkward in the beginning. but never once has anything been bad. it’s just because of that i feel in constant need to impress them. if i ever have asked for her in the past they’re fine with it. it’s really just all anxiety & all in my own head.
 
@jmp also wanted to add that she is eating most solids and will eat most dinners with us. so she isn’t going 5-6 hours between eating when we’re at my boyfriends parents, but at most 5-6 hours between nursing (but still is having breastmilk as her main source of nutrition). i didn’t want you to think i was absolutely starving my baby.
 
@sallyburns Your baby is turning 1.... the age is important because you can say 'come to mom! Time to eat!' And most likely babe will put their arms out to come to you. You don't even need to speak to the person holding her. And I say this as a person who is just as scared as you of saying these things but I find it much much easier once baby is able to grasp that you are you, that you are mom, that they prefer you, and will reach out to you. But when my son was a newborn, it was so hard because he didn't have an opinion either way unless he cried.
 
@sumsan yeah it was really hard in the beginning because i only got to spend time with her at family events if she was hungry. i never got to just hold her when people were over, even when she was brand brand new. she just recently started responding to “come here!” and stuff like that so im hoping i can do that at events so there isn’t tension haha.
 
@sallyburns You have to find your inner backbone. I like the other person who commented and said just be direct and talk directly to baby. “Alright love time to eat.” And take the baby. If someone says something just smile and say “oh I know right??!!! But it’s that time.” You don’t have to be confrontational. If someone is still arguing with you about your own child, in my opinion they have no business being at the party.
 
@mickeym yes yes, that is very true. you guys have all given such great advice and i’m so thankful! i just worry because this past xmas my boyfriend and i didn’t want anyone except for the 2 of us + his parents to hold her, because she was still little and the RSV risk. i really had to use the bathroom so i let bf’s uncle hold her super quickly and didn’t have my boyfriend or his parents near me at the time. i figured it was ok for a minute, and i’d just take her when i got back. she ended up getting passed around the entire night, and i felt bad saying anything because she had received so many presents from extended family. i’m very much a pushover and i’m hoping that when the time comes for her party, i can remember all your guys sweet comments lol.
 
@mickeym i wish i had this type of energy & confidence when it really came down to asking for her back for any reason 😭 did it just come naturally to you or did it take time?
 
@sallyburns I think I tend to just say things in a way that doesn't invite debate. Not in a hostile way, just like I'm announcing the time. "Okay, time to eat."

Tbh this is how I say most things. People either don't argue with me much or I don't notice it. Course I'm Irish and people here are mostly extremely non-confrontational in general.
 
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