Will my only be too lonely?

[momof452]

My husband (28) and I (26) have one beautiful 2.5 y.o. boy. I'm considering having another. My husband says he will go with my decision, but is happy with just one.

My big predicament is whether my son will be happy without other children around. He has no cousins and will not for many years. He has two 3rd cousins around his age, but they aren't nearby. None of our friends have kids. He doesn't go to daycare. Not sure how normal this is for his age, but whenever he sees a kid, he is overly friendly and kind of scares them away.

A lot of opinions on this sub are that having a playmate for your child is not a good enough reason to have another. But my circumstance is rather extreme, I think. Thoughts? Also wondering whether a 3-4 year age gap is a good idea.

 

[breezyberlin]

@momof452 As someone who has a sister, I can tell you that your son and his potential sibling probably won’t be around each other as much as you might think. They’ll each develop their own hobbies and friend groups. And there’s no guarantee that they’ll genuinely like each other. Some siblings loathe each other. Most siblings I know hang out some together, but they’re pretty independent.

Are you prepared to have a second kid knowing that their personality, hobbies, friends, etc. can be COMPLETELY different than your first?

I agree with the general sentiment that you shouldn’t have another kid for the primary reason of giving your first someone to play with. My sister and I are 6 years apart, and in all honesty I didn’t feel lonely before she came along. I love her so so much, and now I would choose to have her in my life. Like if my parents had a “do over” I would still want her to be my sister. But my life felt full without her too. And if my parents didn’t decide to have my sister, I’m confident my life would’ve still been happy and fulfilling.

If you decide to stay OAD, treat your family as complete. There is never anyone “missing.” It just depends if you want to raise another kid independently from your first. Like your decision to have another kid or not is you and your husbands alone. Your son will turn out successful and happy either way. And the playmate thing really isn’t that big of a factor.

I hope this has shed at least some light on your dilemma.

 

[confiteor]

@momof452 We were in a similar situation. No siblings and no cousins (yet, but any cousins would be out of state). We wanted another for many reasons, but this one weighed heavy on my heart. Siblings and cousins are such a core part of my childhood memory, I can't imagine not having that. But we also couldn't have 2 in daycare at the same time and life through other hurdles our way. Ultimately, we had to decide to let go of the idea of the age gap playing a facor. I looked at people in my life, a friend with a 13 year "oopsie" age gap, and her kids have interesting/unique dynamic. Blended families often have larger age gaps because of life's twists and turns. There is so much pressure to have siblings grow up playing together and entertaining eachother with a 18mo-3year gap. That was not in the cards for us. Our kids will be 6.5 years apart, and we look forward to discovering the unique dynamic of that less common age gap.

 

[megannovybaker]

@confiteor I have a 8 year age gap with my little brother and yeah, while I considered myself mostly a 'babysitter' when I was a teen, there were really really fun times playing with him despite the gap, sure there were verbal conflicts as well but I think they wouldve been there even with a closer gap. Also currently he's a teen and we've gotten along super well, and our bond is progressively better and better each time we talk. He talks a lot about aspirations to me and I can quip in with helpful stuff often since I've already been through those phases of life, but not so long ago to be too far removed from the present (as he considers sometimes our parents' advice).

This is why I've never considered a close age gap and IF I ever have a second, for multple reasons it'll be later, but growing up with an age gap also made it seem natural to me.

 

[confiteor]

@megannovybaker So interesting to hear this perspective!

 

[jazzyd777]

@momof452 It should be a consideration but not the only consideration. What other reasons do you have to have another child? What reasons do you not want another? Once a child is at school I think they will be surrounded by other kids all day and they can do extra curricular activities too. So even if they don’t have many playmates now at 2.5 I wouldn’t worry about that too much for the long term. People I know with only children that are older often really prioritise their social opportunities and I’ve found them to usually have a lot of close friends.

 

[momof452]

@jazzyd777 It is really a question of whether a baby would add enjoyment or stress. At first, life would be harder, but I'm trying to imagine whether adding a child will realistically add joy long-term. I just can't imagine being in my son's situation - having virtually no family my age.

 

[polerit]

@momof452 I think your son will be happy either way, as an only or as an older brother. I know a lot of people think having a second so their first is not alone is the wrong reason, but this is why I’m going to try for a second. If they are not close that is okay, at least he will have another family member when we are all gone. Plus I discovered I really love being a mother and I would love another.

 

[peacebwu2017]

@polerit This really resonates with me. Both the having someone when we're gone and loving being a mother. The latter was a big surprise to me - not that I didn't think I would like it, but I was unprepared for how MUCH I would like it, how much I would grow as a mother, how much I would change, now much power and skills I would gain. Question for you: what are your partners reasons for wanting another and did you have any disagreement getting to where you are now (it sounds like you've decided)?

 

[polerit]

@peacebwu2017 Yes this was also a huge surprise for me. I always knew I wanted kids (or a kid), but I had no idea how much I would love motherhood. It’s so much work, but I just love it so much.

Originally my husband wanted two and I only wanted one. Our son is a delight so I think that’s why he wanted another. I had a rough pregnancy and c section so there was no way I wanted to do that again. Then when he turned 10 months I knew I wanted a second and we both agreed. Recently though, I’ve been asking my husband for more help with our son. Now that he sees how much work it is he’s seriously reconsidering two. It’s huge decision and two does seem scary. Personally though, I would like my son to have a sibling so I know my two kids have each other when we are gone. That is just me though. I’m sure my son will be happy either way.

 

[peacebwu2017]

@polerit Thank you for sharing! I'm sorry to hear you had a rough pregnancy and birth but that's awesome your son is so wonderful and motherhood is so fulfilling. My daughter is 2.25 and I've been wanting another for more than a year! It definitely will be a lot of work, that's a driver for my husband to not want another. It's really hard to be on different sides of something so monumental

 

[polerit]

@peacebwu2017 Oh that’s so tough. Your situation sounds a little like mine. Although, I think my husband is just scared. I think two kids will be really hard for the first few years, but then get easier once they are a little older. I plan on putting my son in part time child care or hiring a part time nanny once COVID is over (I work from home and don’t want to quit working). I think this will really help with my situation. Maybe outside help might be an option for you and your husband too.

 

[yadav123]

@momof452 I resonate so much with OP.. My kid is about to turn 2 now.. and she doesn't have cousins either. For me, the only reason we would want to have another child is the fear that my daughter will miss out on sibling/cousin relationships and grow up feeling lonely. Other than that, we do not feel our family is incomplete in any way and there is no big desire to bring up another child who might have a completely different personality. Also, there is no desire to go back to the sleepless nights and exclusively breastfeeding days. But I am willing to go through all that if that is best for my daughter. So I keep switching back and forth

 

[momof452]

@yadav123 If you're completely satisfied with your family of 3, I think you're one and done. Me, I still have that nagging desire for a second AND I'm worried about my first. But the worry, as some are explaining, is unfounded.

 

[superpro]

@momof452 I am also in a similar situation except we are old, 40, so its now or never for us.
I wouldn't worry about if a second child would help your first less lonely. There are plenty of only children out there who turned out fine.

You need to make the decision for yourself first and foremost. Everything else will fall into place and you will deal with it when it happens.

 

[roseen]

@momof452 I think most (not all!) kids, even if they have a sibling they get along with, are closer to their friends than their siblings socially. I would think a kid would be lonely without friends, but not necessarily without siblings, if that makes sense. Siblings often don't get along, or aren't always very close growing up (again, not all the time!). So I wouldn't make the "loneliness" factor the main factor in your decision.

Your child is not in daycare, but do they have any social outlets or experience outside of the family? Maybe as the COVID situation improves, you could try library reading time (when that comes back), mommy/parent groups, some structured way to get some social interaction for your son? And once he's in school he'll have plenty of opportunities for making friends and playing with other kids.

I have a 3 month old and am currently fencesitting on another. For me, I try to think about 10, 20, 30 years into the future--I think having a larger family would ultimately bring me more long-term joy even if the short term is more stressful and difficult. But I have a very easy baby, and am worried I might lose my mind juggling a toddler and a difficult baby down the road if that happens...I keep going back and forth.

 

[utookmyname]

@roseen That and easy babies don't always stay easy once there is competition for attention. My brother-in-law started trying to attack his baby sister after he realized it was a permanent thing. Prior to this he was great.

We have a 16 month old right now and I bought him a doll. He liked a tiny old one with no clothes so I thought I would get one with an outfit and whatnot. I offered it to him and he gave me a questioning look, so I showed him how to cradle it. He just starts saying no over and over and really upset, then got really clingy and wanted it gone. It's just a doll but it made me really upset and guilty because we had TTC for a few months awhile ago and I would have had the second soon if we had been successful. The separation anxiety picks up around a year old and it would have broken my heart to not give him the comfort and security he needs right now. I can't imagine he would take well to another actual baby.

We have the easiest of easy babies too. Slept through the night early, rarely complains or cries, happy is the default, and no health issues. We've only had two real tantrums ever. I know if there's another that will pick up because he will not get attention in the way he does now. When he was 6-9mo we were starting to think of another and were TTC at 12 months. Now that I see the unique needs of a toddler, I thank everything that I didn't get pregnant and that we stopped. I couldn't give him my best in all of the coming transitions with a newborn, which would not necessarily be as easy as him.

I'm not trying to convince anyone, I just relate to how you are feeling now, but about a year ago, to the point of actively trying.

 

[momof452]

@roseen Having social activities back will make a big difference, for sure. But I'm also thinking long-term family happiness. I just don't know if knee-jerk "I want a baby" is a good enough answer.

 

[utookmyname]

@momof452 When will he go to daycare? Having an extra baby that will not be much fun for over a year from now isn't going to do much about the social aspect. Your son will be preschool age by the time that kicks in. Even then, it will teach him a mentoring or controlling role, not a peer role.

ETA: Research has found that women peak in happiness and joy at one child. That's not all women, but the average. I'm also an only child and my friends were more fun than my cousins. My mom made a lot of mom friends. The only purpose my cousins served were to give me an example of what I didn't want to do (poor behavior) and made me happy to be an only. Not all only children feel this way obviously but just an anecdote.

 

[momof452]

@utookmyname He probably will go straight to preschool. I don't know a lot of people with medium age gap (3-4 years) so I don't really know the dynamic. My sister is only 21 months older and she was extremely controlling, so idk if it ever works out exactly as planned.