Why do I feel sad about not having another baby, when I know that I don’t want one?

hatterasmom3

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I’m 34, and my husband (38) and I welcomed our son this past November. He is our pride and joy and we love him to pieces. Before we had him, we discussed being one and done, and were pretty sure that we would be. We left the door open a small crack for a second child, but neither of us really thought we would want more than one, and we still don’t.

I really disliked being pregnant, and had a traumatic birth. I was induced at 41+2, and ended up with an infection after 24 hours of my water being broken and labour not progressing. The infection very quickly spread to my blood stream, and I ended up with sepsis while in labour. My son had to be delivered via emergency C-section to prevent the infection from spreading to him. We both could have died and it was terrifying. After 5 days in hospital for me and 6 days in the NICU for him, we were able to go home. He and I are thankfully both healthy.

Prior to giving birth, I struggled with depression and an anxiety disorder. Once I came home from the hospital, I developed crushing PPD, PPA and was diagnosed with health anxiety (hypochondria). I have always had very mild OCD but it has become much worse. In the first months of my son’s life, the only thing I was able to do was care for him. I could meet his needs. That was it. I wasn’t eating or showering. I struggled to get dressed and brush my hair. Cooking and cleaning were out of the question. I felt like I was losing my mind, and imagined that I had every health ailment under the sun. I cried multiple times per day. Had suicidal thoughts. Could barely hold a conversation. It was hellish.

At this point, I am doing much better. I’ve worked very hard to come back from that difficult place, although I still have the occasional bad day. Both myself and my husband agree that we do not want to go through this again. I cannot handle it and I know that. I do not want to be pregnant again. I also know that it would not be fair to my son to have a mother who can’t function and meet his needs, and that it would be unfair to put him through that, were I to have another baby. Financially, we can afford one child, but more is incredibly iffy. I know that I have the time, energy and emotional bandwidth for my son, but I don’t think I can handle raising more than one child at a time. I will also be 35 this year, and my husband 39, and I know that the closer we get to 40, the less energy we will have for a newborn. I know that I do not want another child.

All of this being said, I feel sad. I have no idea why. I don’t want another baby, so why does it feel like I’m mourning the closing of that door? My husband is going to have a vasectomy and I very much want him to. If he asked me to have another child, I would tell him no without hesitation. I had an IUD placed at my 6-week follow-up specifically because I did not want an accident to happen. The sadness makes no sense at all and I don’t understand why I feel like this. I know I don’t want more kids. I would be devastated if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow. Has anyone else run into this? Why am I being so weird?
 
@hatterasmom3 If you haven't read it, I think this Dear Sugar column perfectly captures why we sometimes feel sad about an outcome, even when it's what we want and know is right.

Saying goodbye to a "sister ship" is mourning a life you won't be living, even if you love the one you are living. That's why people with kids sometimes are sad they're not child free anymore, and why people who are happily child free sometimes feel pang of sadness about not being a parent. For every major life choice we make, we are choosing not to do something else. For example, when I left college I was choosing between two job offers that would have launched my life in two very different directions (literally opposite sides of the country). I'm so happy with how my life has turned out, and I don't regret my choice for a second, but I do sometimes think about what my life would have looked like if I went the other way. And I'm sad that I'll never get to know what that version of my life could have looked like. Would I be just as happy? Would I somehow be happier? Would I have made choices that are similar to the ones I've made in this life, or would that life look totally different from this one? Would I be the same person or would I have developed totally differently? There's no way to answer these questions, and sometimes I'm sad about that.
 
@hatterasmom3 Although I don't have enough in me right now to type a lengthy reply, know that your words were read and understood. I totally relate to what you said, and feel much the same way sometimes. Hugs offered. Just wanted to say your feelings are valid and you aren't alone
 
@hatterasmom3 I’m in a similar boat. We always knew we’d be OAD and still are post-baby. But sometimes I think about having a second and feel sad.

I don’t think it’s weird; I actually think it’s super normal. It’s hard to close a door even if you know it’s the right thing.
 
@hatterasmom3 Maybe you are grieving the experience you didn’t get with your LO. If so, I know exactly how difficult that is- I had crippling PPD and PTSD after a traumatic birth and barely remember anything from the first months.

I would give anything to be able to redo those times in a better frame of mind, knowing what I know now, but for a long time I confused that with thinking I was sad about not having another one.

I think it’s not uncommon for those of us who had a traumatic perinatal experience.
 
@hatterasmom3 I once read on this sub that someone felt they realized they’d like to experience that phase over again/redo things but with the baby they have. That’s really stuck with me. Some people are happy and level with their decision, I’m not so sure I am, but I also realize I’m not confident I could handle another child in my life at this point. It’s not always an easy choice
 
@hatterasmom3 I felt this the other day. Trigger: Loss

We had to say goodbye to our son in 2021 and we had our daughter in 2022.
I felt sad that she won't grow up with him and I won't be raising them together.
But two is enough for me.

I'm not willing to be pregnant a third time and have something else happen.
I understand what you are going through.
 
@hatterasmom3 I relate to you as well. I also hated being pregnant with a passion. The kicks and hiccups were cute but everything else sucked ass. Pregnancy is painful and uncomfortable. I don’t miss any of it and definitely don’t feel like going through that ever again. And I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I barely worked so I took it easy. No medical issues… and it still sucked. I can’t imagine how bad it would be like if something actually went wrong during the pregnancy or birth. But I keep wondering what it would be like to have another baby running around my home.
Ugh
 
@hatterasmom3 Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard.

I wanted more but had really bad PPA to the point I felt disconnected from reality and that nothing was real. It was so scary. I never want to go through that again so although I wanted one more, I'm done.
 
@hatterasmom3 We are in the exact same boat! I could have written this post as we have a ton of similarities (age, anxiety, birth and postpartum complication, finances..). In our case we have frozen embryos from IVF and we just paid a thousand dollars to keep them frozen as our son is 8 weeks and we both agreed now isn’t the time for a final decision. However deciding to donate the embryos to science will still be gut wrenching…in a parallel life I would want more.
 
@hatterasmom3 Is it FOMO? Like other people having more kids? We are firmly OAD and having my IUD put in this week, and every now and then I have to remind myself that this is the best decision for our family in every way.
 
@hatterasmom3 You’re grieving the life you thought was within your control, and life gave you different plans.

I hope you take peace in knowing that your son will always have a present, energetic mom vs. a stressed momma. He’ll know how much you love him too.
 
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