hatterasmom3
New member
X post from r/beyondthebump
I’m 34, and my husband (38) and I welcomed our son this past November. He is our pride and joy and we love him to pieces. Before we had him, we discussed being one and done, and were pretty sure that we would be. We left the door open a small crack for a second child, but neither of us really thought we would want more than one, and we still don’t.
I really disliked being pregnant, and had a traumatic birth. I was induced at 41+2, and ended up with an infection after 24 hours of my water being broken and labour not progressing. The infection very quickly spread to my blood stream, and I ended up with sepsis while in labour. My son had to be delivered via emergency C-section to prevent the infection from spreading to him. We both could have died and it was terrifying. After 5 days in hospital for me and 6 days in the NICU for him, we were able to go home. He and I are thankfully both healthy.
Prior to giving birth, I struggled with depression and an anxiety disorder. Once I came home from the hospital, I developed crushing PPD, PPA and was diagnosed with health anxiety (hypochondria). I have always had very mild OCD but it has become much worse. In the first months of my son’s life, the only thing I was able to do was care for him. I could meet his needs. That was it. I wasn’t eating or showering. I struggled to get dressed and brush my hair. Cooking and cleaning were out of the question. I felt like I was losing my mind, and imagined that I had every health ailment under the sun. I cried multiple times per day. Had suicidal thoughts. Could barely hold a conversation. It was hellish.
At this point, I am doing much better. I’ve worked very hard to come back from that difficult place, although I still have the occasional bad day. Both myself and my husband agree that we do not want to go through this again. I cannot handle it and I know that. I do not want to be pregnant again. I also know that it would not be fair to my son to have a mother who can’t function and meet his needs, and that it would be unfair to put him through that, were I to have another baby. Financially, we can afford one child, but more is incredibly iffy. I know that I have the time, energy and emotional bandwidth for my son, but I don’t think I can handle raising more than one child at a time. I will also be 35 this year, and my husband 39, and I know that the closer we get to 40, the less energy we will have for a newborn. I know that I do not want another child.
All of this being said, I feel sad. I have no idea why. I don’t want another baby, so why does it feel like I’m mourning the closing of that door? My husband is going to have a vasectomy and I very much want him to. If he asked me to have another child, I would tell him no without hesitation. I had an IUD placed at my 6-week follow-up specifically because I did not want an accident to happen. The sadness makes no sense at all and I don’t understand why I feel like this. I know I don’t want more kids. I would be devastated if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow. Has anyone else run into this? Why am I being so weird?
I’m 34, and my husband (38) and I welcomed our son this past November. He is our pride and joy and we love him to pieces. Before we had him, we discussed being one and done, and were pretty sure that we would be. We left the door open a small crack for a second child, but neither of us really thought we would want more than one, and we still don’t.
I really disliked being pregnant, and had a traumatic birth. I was induced at 41+2, and ended up with an infection after 24 hours of my water being broken and labour not progressing. The infection very quickly spread to my blood stream, and I ended up with sepsis while in labour. My son had to be delivered via emergency C-section to prevent the infection from spreading to him. We both could have died and it was terrifying. After 5 days in hospital for me and 6 days in the NICU for him, we were able to go home. He and I are thankfully both healthy.
Prior to giving birth, I struggled with depression and an anxiety disorder. Once I came home from the hospital, I developed crushing PPD, PPA and was diagnosed with health anxiety (hypochondria). I have always had very mild OCD but it has become much worse. In the first months of my son’s life, the only thing I was able to do was care for him. I could meet his needs. That was it. I wasn’t eating or showering. I struggled to get dressed and brush my hair. Cooking and cleaning were out of the question. I felt like I was losing my mind, and imagined that I had every health ailment under the sun. I cried multiple times per day. Had suicidal thoughts. Could barely hold a conversation. It was hellish.
At this point, I am doing much better. I’ve worked very hard to come back from that difficult place, although I still have the occasional bad day. Both myself and my husband agree that we do not want to go through this again. I cannot handle it and I know that. I do not want to be pregnant again. I also know that it would not be fair to my son to have a mother who can’t function and meet his needs, and that it would be unfair to put him through that, were I to have another baby. Financially, we can afford one child, but more is incredibly iffy. I know that I have the time, energy and emotional bandwidth for my son, but I don’t think I can handle raising more than one child at a time. I will also be 35 this year, and my husband 39, and I know that the closer we get to 40, the less energy we will have for a newborn. I know that I do not want another child.
All of this being said, I feel sad. I have no idea why. I don’t want another baby, so why does it feel like I’m mourning the closing of that door? My husband is going to have a vasectomy and I very much want him to. If he asked me to have another child, I would tell him no without hesitation. I had an IUD placed at my 6-week follow-up specifically because I did not want an accident to happen. The sadness makes no sense at all and I don’t understand why I feel like this. I know I don’t want more kids. I would be devastated if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow. Has anyone else run into this? Why am I being so weird?
