Who should call who to congratulate?

[jerib]

I hope this issue fits the sub, I wanted to see what the rest of the world thinks.

Our son was born 5 weeks ago. We said no visits for the first 2 weeks, partly because I was having c section. Both of our parents were unhappy, but they respected it.

The day he was born we texted each of our respective families and friends, the closest people called, others congratulated via text, voice or video message. My parents and sister were over the moon and request daily updates lol. My extended family is also like that. After 2 weeks my mother flew in (we live in different countries) and stayed with us for a week.

So far so good. My husband got a lot of calls too, so I assumed some of them were from his family. He has 3 siblings and a mom (father's dead), as well as a grandmother, aunt and uncle (as you can see, not too many people). Well after 5 weeks his mom finally showed up. She lives 1,5 hours car ride away. Turns out my husband invited her 3x already, she turned him down each time. AND.NONE.OF.THEM.CALLED.ONCE. According to her, he was supposed to call each one of them so they can congratulate and they all agree on this. They are all pissed now, because he only texted them. We think that they were supposed to call him/us (nobody asked how I am healing either). Normally people call you e.g. for your birthday, not the other way around. As a matter of fact, few days after our son was born, my husband had his own birthday, no calls either.

What the hell is going on here? Is this normal behavior? We live in Germany, we're Germans, is this some sort of cultural thing that we still missed?

My mother says that she never heard of such a "rule". Guys, what do you think? Wtf?

 

[desperatelyseeking]

@jerib Are you sure your MIL wasn't born 5 weeks ago? She sounds like the real baby. If I just had a child, I'm not calling someone else for them to congratulate me. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

 

[pgfinest2002]

@desperatelyseeking The absolute audacity of putting any kind of social pressure on a pair of new parents. It happened to us and I cannot believe how many stories I’ve heard. Who are these entitles brats who think their feelings are more important than the parents of a newborn who are trying to navigate their suddenly changed lives?

 

[jsmithcavs]

@jerib In my opinion, your husbands family is being petty.

 

[james700]

@jerib My MIL also wanted me to call everybody for big announcements (engagement, wedding, pregnancy) and I've turned her down every time. I think it's generational. We just send out 3 emails for every announcement: 1 CC email to my family, 1 CC email to spouse's family, and 1 BCC email to non-family. If people don't like it they can have their own baby. I also never get phone calls for any of these things for the record - I always get emails or mass texts.

 

[chocolatesquare]

@james700 I agree. My Mom though recommended snail mail.

Even though she is aware how much it would cost, she doesn’t understand how tasking that is for a single income and baby right now.

 

[james700]

@chocolatesquare Did she want you to hand write them??? NO. I do handwritten thank you cards and folks seem surprised by them these days.

 

[rickyparker]

@jerib This is really family culture dependent. There is no right or wrong communication. It’s all a choice. We just had our first child and
I have ZERO expectations that anyone calls me. My family was through the roof and so happy for us. But due to the raw nature of the first few weeks with a new baby and with my wife recovering from surgery, they most waited for us to call them at a time everyone was awake and feeling well. We prefer it that way. Sometimes our families call and we are happy to talk. Other times it’s kind of a burden if the baby just fell asleep or if we are cranky and overtired. There are no rules.

Now what would upset me is not that they didn’t congratulate in some imaginary time line but that it seems none of them really want to interact with you, him or the baby. Congratulations are for ego, but loving relationship with the baby and family is what really matters at the heart and soul level. That would hurt if it was my family. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Forget about who is supposed to do what. Forget about your ego or pride or congratulations. What do you want for your family and your baby. If his family isn’t interested or concerned, let that shit go. No need to give away your joy to them. Enjoy your family, enjoy your baby, enjoy each other. Let everyone else be who they are and give as much energy to them as you want to invest.

 

[dartmanii]

@jerib She should have called. They’re being petty.

What DH should do is communicate NOW what he will and won’t be reaching out to them on. Birthday invites? Holiday plans? Invites to hang out? How often you’ll send a picture or update? Draw your boundaries. If they want something beyond that, it’s on them.

 

[jusarg]

@jerib Oh wow. This is officially more stupid than the time my father stopped talking to me because I didn't call him to congratulate him on his (not a significant number, like thirty fourth or something) wedding anniversary! Yeah, calling people so that they can congratulate you on the birth of YOUR child is ridiculous and NOT a thing.

 

[luckyone54]

@jerib There are no rules who calls who after having a baby! That is ridiculous! I never got 2 weeks by myself after having a baby. The week I gave birth, we had family and extended family pictures. Then everyone is flying in to help after a had a c-section. People are so excited especially with the first baby. I never had a moment to myself with the first baby. Second baby, my mom didn’t even come out to see him. I am ended flying out to show her the baby after he was 8 months old.