Who here has a mediocre relationship with their sibling(s)?

[ernesjohnson]

Posting this under a throwaway because I would feel kind of bad if my sibling somehow figured out my main and saw this thread.

Anyway, sometimes when I see something about only children who say they always longed for a sibling, I feel a bit defensive or guilty (from the perspective of the parent of an only child who doesn’t want to do the wrong thing for my child). But then I realize that I have a sibling but he and I definitely don’t have the kind of relationship those only children are longing for. There’s no history of abuse, no drama, nothing worthy of a post on r/AmItheAsshole or even r/relationships. He’s…fine! But our personalities don’t gel all that well, we wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t siblings, and we don’t make much of an effort to talk or see each other independent of seeing our parents. And when I think of all the people I’ve known with siblings, I feel like “mediocre” seems to describe the relationship that a lot of them have with their siblings as adults. Obviously I’m aware that close sibling relationships exist and that some siblings are great friends and important forms of support. Those people are very lucky! But I feel like when only children imagine having a sibling, they’re imagining a relationship that many of us with siblings have never really experienced either.

Do you have a mediocre relationship with your sibling(s)? And, if so, and if you’ve chosen to be OAD, does the mediocrity of your sibling relationship have any influence on your choice to be OAD?

 

[wildcatjim2014]

@ernesjohnson "Mediocre" is the perfect word to describe my relationship with my sister. I'm seven years older than she is and I still vaguely have memories of what it was like being an only child. I distinctly remember not wanting a sibling and we have never ever been close.

My brother and I have a better relationship but he is also very autistic, something to consider when people want to make a sibling for their child rather than just have another child - not every child is 100% healthy and neurotypical. When my parents pass on he won't be a support for my grief (like people argue), he'll be my suddenly-adopted adult who needs full time care.

A few months ago I was at my parents' house looking at pictures with my mom, they were of the days before my siblings. She seemed almost impressed by what she was seeing in her photo album and she remarked kind of sadly "we used to do so much, we brought you to so many things before [siblings]". To which I said that's one of the reasons we'll be OAD. In hindsight that was probably a little rude of me, but it was completely honest.

 

[reddragon4444]

@wildcatjim2014 My daughter is autistic and we are OAD, so I appreciate your response. It doesn’t seem fair to her (or the other child) to have another. I would hate to take attention away from her or not be able to give attention to another. Plus there’s a chance our next child might be autistic, which I love my daughter she is so smart and funny and amazing, but her therapies cost money. We literally couldn’t afford to pay for two.

 

[wildcatjim2014]

@reddragon4444 My husband asked me once if I would still want to be OAD if our first child ended up with a disability or autism. I told him definitely - because the emotional and financial reasons we want just one would be doubled with a special needs child, and because changing our OAD policy to try again for a "normal" kid would feel so disrespectful to the one we got. I was happy to hear he felt the same and it was only a question out of curiosity.

 

[reddragon4444]

@wildcatjim2014 We originally thought we wanted two (right after she was born I even wanted three) but I started suspecting she was autistic around 15 months so we held off and the she was diagnosed at three and now it just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. No one has come out and said “don’t you want to try for a ‘normal’ kid?” But sometimes it feels implied. She’s absolutely enough though, in the best way.

 

[stronglady]

@reddragon4444 You’re doing the right thing IMO. For us it was adhd, and the reality that I have a disabled adult sibling who needs full time care ++ money.

 

[koruschristian]

@wildcatjim2014 My relationship with my sister is pretty similar. There are six years between us. I wanted a sister, but that was because I was lonely and wanted someone to play with. When she came along, I became more lonely, because now the adults had even less time for me.

When I was in college, she was in middle school, I guess. Six years doesn't seem like much now, but at that age, it's huge, you know? So we never really had a chance to get close.

Additionally, my husband's brother has a genetic disorder that means he will never be independent. My husband is the definition of a "glass child." We are designated to become his caregivers when my MIL passes... For one, I don't want to risk having a second child that may also be incapable of independence and passing that responsibility on my Only. For two, I don't think I am capable of raising two kids, plus a dependent adult. (Frankly, I'm not confident in my ability to raise one child and a dependent adult...). We've discussed a group home for my BIL, but my husband is convinced that we can't afford it.

 

[chamtt]

@koruschristian Thanks for sharing that. My hubby believes our kid would be more lonely cause I’d be busy caring for baby

 

[kevin_67]

@wildcatjim2014 My brother is also autistic, and it effected (and still effect) me more than I thought as his little sister. Its one of the many reasons we are oad..sad but true.

 

[evilbeans]

@ernesjohnson Less than mediocre. We haven't spoken at any point this century.

 

[ericakuhl89]

@evilbeans I have 3 sisters, I only talk to one. Siblings aren’t a built in friend.

 

[thestudentad]

@ericakuhl89 Built in friend. I love this. My older sister treats me as her confidant and gets upset when I don’t share my stories equally. I feel burdened with her emotions and guilty at the same time as I know she’s dying for sisterly love. I’m just not that kind of person.

 

[uluvsamm]

@ernesjohnson My older brother has always hated me. When my parents brought me home from the hospital, he asked them to take me back. He tormented me my entire childhood and well into adulthood. I have zero positive memories of him. I cut contact 3 years ago and it’s been great.

Anytime someone tries to tell me that my kid needs a friend I remind them theres no guarantee those kids will get along and that my family is perfect as is.

I’m OAD for a million reasons and this is just one of them.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@uluvsamm My older brother is the same - resented me from a very early age and the resentment turned into physical and mental abuse. He destroyed my self-esteem and often made me afraid to live in my own home. It only stopped when I went to live full-time with our father, while he remained living with our mother. As an adult, I essentially have no contact with him. He apparently is still a nightmare to live with - his wife recently (finally) got the courage to leave him after years of suffering mental abuse and his non-stop cheating.

 

[paulbassett]

@uluvsamm My grandmother's youngest brother was born on her sixth birthday. When her parents brought him home, she said to take him back. She already had two brothers and wanted a sister instead.

 

[humbledbygrace89]

@ernesjohnson I have zero relationship with mine. My husband is 1 of 5 and he keeps in contact with only 2 of his on a regular basis.

My lack of relationship with my sister didn’t influence my decision to be one and done. My daughter did. She was a very difficult baby, I had PPD and no support system other than my husband (who at the time had an almost 2 hour commute one way and was gone about 12 hours a day).

 

[musicbazzar]

@humbledbygrace89 Shout out to say very similar husband work experience and no support. Go us!

 

[clone_25]

@ernesjohnson My sister and I have a perfectly cromulent relationship. She's fine, I have conversations with her at family parties, but we never call each other just to chat or go and do things just the two of us. She's about 3 years younger than me.

We both get along GREAT with our parents, who are absolutely wonderful people who I'm sure wished that she and I were closer but... it is what it is.

This is one of the reasons I'm more than fine with being one and done.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@clone_25 I've touched on this before, but I think people assume that sibling problems or lack of closeness is due to some shortcoming on the parents' part. I'm glad you mentioned that you both are close to your parents and that your parents are good people, yet the sibling relationship isn't magical. I had a highly dysfunctional upbringing, but I've known many people from (mostly) normal families that have subpar sibling relationships as well.

 

[mikiee]

@clone_25 Same for me with my brother and my husband with his sister. Best friends with my sister who is almost 6 years younger. But she's a one in a million kind of person. If I could have another child that could be her for my daughter that would be great. But you never know and nothing is guaranteed. One is enough for us!