Wanting Mommy: when does it get easier?

[mandyanddave]

I’ll try and keep this brief. I’ll also preface this by saying I understand I’m still grieving the loss of my chance at 50/50 custody, so I may be coloring my kid’s words with my own personal feelings for their mother.

Backstory: When my kids (newly 5F, almost 6M) were 4 months & 1y, their mom relocated them 1.5 hrs away, making me an every other weekend parent. I tried to move closer, but in Feb 2020 got denied for a job and had to stay put during the pandemic. I maintained EOWE visitation and traveled up to keep the kids whenever their mom needed me.

In November 2021 I successfully relocated to the same city, but was still only allowed EOWE despite our court order. She did permit random midweek visits, mostly when she needed help with virtual schooling. Sometimes I’d have many overnights a week, others it was radio silence until my EOWE. It was so inconsistent and I wanted there to be stability. I still appreciated that I was occasionally more than an EOWE parent.

When I realized she’d never follow an actual set schedule even with me living 10 minutes away, I filed motions to amend the court order. Over the summer, she agreed to an alternating week 50/50 summer schedule. The kids loved it. I felt so hopeful that we’d finally worked our way up to equal parenting time and at our august hearing, we’d have that set in stone.

2 weeks before our modification hearing, she claimed she needed to move 1.5 hours away AGAIN. I contested it, was granted temp custody for 3 months, but she was granted permission to move, reducing me back to EOWE during the school year. The kids have since expressed to me that they don’t like their new arrangements and wish they had a room (they’re sleeping in the basement of their grandparents’ townhome) so I try to keep their rooms and our home as familiar as possible, with mostly everything how they left it so they know it’s THEIR space.

Still, my son (turning 6 next month) still asks for mommy during our time. It feels like a blow. He’s with her 90% of the time and only gets EOWE with me. I hate that barely 24 hours into our weekend, he’s asking to see mommy. I know this is normal for kids, but is it because he’s younger? At what age does it get easier for him? I can’t help but wonder if he ever asks for me during mom’s time.

Our new order says I have majority of the summer, and I’m already worrying that we won’t be able to enjoy it because he’ll be so worried about when he’s seeing mommy again. I can’t help but feel resentful, like if she would’ve just been willing to coparent with me from the beginning and allowed my consistent presence, they’d be used to sharing time between mom and dad.

How do you handle requests for the other parent? I want to stop taking it so personally.

 

[spookydawg77]

@mandyanddave This is so normal. Kids that age are still learning to regulate their emotions. When you're away from someone you love, do you ever get a sudden urge to see them, or tell them something? Of course, that's normal. But, as a mature adult, you remind yourself that you will see them again soon, and that the thing you want to say or see them about can wait, and so it's fine. A five year old child is still developing that ability. So, it's completely normal for them to just come out with "I want mommy".

Do they do it with the other parent? Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter? It's not a competition. Both you and your ex play an important part in your children's lives and upbringing. Sometimes those parts are different, sometimes you meet different needs. The child is going to respond differently to each of you, and that's normal, that happens with parents who are together just as much as it happens to parents that are separated. So, it's important that you don't try and compare. It's simply not relevant whether he's asking for you at his mothers place.

Also, it's not likely that the fact that you're EOWE is what has caused this. I'm 50/50 with my ex, my daughter (4) asks for her all the time. She simply can't wait to get back to her when she's with me. Meanwhile, my son (8) tells me he doesn't want to go to his mothers, and I get the impression that when he's with her, he regularly asks for me. We've both had the kids 50/50 since we split. You would be experiencing this too if you had the kids 50/50, it's likely got nothing to do with EOWE.

 

[mandyanddave]

@spookydawg77 Thanks for this thoughtful response. And what’s funny is, I tell myself these things during times like now when I’m feeling insecure about my place in their lives, but then when it actually happens, I forget all the facts and let my emotions get in the way. I also need to stop thinking kids are aware of everything that’s gone on with me and their mom. He wants mommy because he wants mommy, not because there was this long custody battle and she “won”. Easier said than done, but your response gave a lot of helpful things to remember.

 

[violet181]

@mandyanddave So I’m currently on the other side of this. My son goes to his dad’s every other weekend and they’ve been struggling with our son constantly expressing he wants to “go home” and he wants his mom. He gets upset every time he wakes up cause he thinks it’ll be time to come back to my house. I’m doing my best to encourage excitement about going to dads with him. Despite this, my son speaks fondly of his dad’s house to me.

I think he’s just in a mama’s boy phase right now and I wish his dad wouldn’t take it personally.

I’ve been trying to talk to my son casually while we play together to get some information on why he’s feeling uncomfortable at his dad’s so we can work on solutions. His dad and I did talk about it a bit directly with our son. We told him that I won’t be calling him when he’s with daddy, because I know he’s safe and having fun at daddy’s, so I don’t need to check in. But if he’s missing me and wants to call me at any time he can. He did call me once this weekend. They said giving him control over some sort access to me made him calm down a bit. And we only spoke on FaceTime for a couple mins, so I don’t think it disrupted them too much.

I think long run, my attempts at getting information play-therapy style are going to produce the best solutions, but it takes a lot of patience and work to get useful information from my three-year-old lol

 

[mandyanddave]

@violet181 I appreciate your perspective. He’s definitely a mamas boy, or in a phase, and Id hate for any response from me to make him feel like it’s not okay to want her. It’s awesome that you and your coparent can discuss openly about the things that go on at each home, and it’s reassuring to hear that you make an effort to facilitate his relationship with dad. I FaceTimed my coparent before work when our girl was was having a “I want mommy” meltdown, and she used it in court to argue that Im ill equipped to handle their emotions. It was tough; I just thought that was healthy coparenting.

I’m actually looking into play therapy now for them. They are big feeling kids, and I know they adore their mom, but they are having a hard time with understanding why they switched schools and moved so far away from me/their extended family in the middle of the school year. I’ll likely need a child therapist to help me with language to explain their new living situation, but play therapy seems like a great way to make a safe space for their thoughts and feelings.

 

[violet181]

@mandyanddave I’m trying to do some research on play therapy so implement some of it at home. I have a friend who’s kid was having trouble with absolutely hating school and that’s how she got to the bottom of it the problem and came up with solutions to fix it. So I’m hoping it works for us too.

Guh- the WORST thing about coparenting is you’re damned if you, damned if you don’t. No matter what you do, if your coparent is motivated to find an issue with it, they will. I’m sorry your attempt at helping your kids was used against you in court. I think a lot of us can commiserate that it sucks and sometimes there’s just no right answer.

 

[hollybrown]

@mandyanddave He'll get used to it. I'd suggest its because he's with her most of the time he's very aware of her absence. Be honest, explain that the weekend is time with you and he gets to see Mommy again on Monday/Sunday. If he gets wound up tight you might want to allow a phonecall to Mommy. If the routine stays regular and consistent he'll be able to adjust because he knows what is happening and can anticipate it.

You can dwell on the past and how it has been handled but that won't help a great deal going forward.

 

[mandyanddave]

@hollybrown Dwelling is not helpful at all, you’re right. It was a long drawn out journey so I’m working with a therapist to get over the outcome and create a positive future for us all.

I think to help with adjusting maybe I can have a calendar that shows which days are with me, so that when he does miss mommy, he sees that there won’t be long til he’s with her again.

 

[gryphonking]

@mandyanddave You're doing the right things! Try rehearsing a response to those expressions so you can acknowledge and give yourself a moment to think. It may also be reassuring to your son to hear a familiar response when he has that feeling.

"I know you love mom and mom loves you. What are you missing right now?" Sometimes kids just want to talk but need guidance.

 

[beautifultruth]

@mandyanddave This is a perfect opportunity for deflection & distraction. "I want mommy." "(Kindly) Mommy's not here now. How about we play a game?"

Once kiddo learns that you'll take care of all the same things that they're used to the other parent providing, this will (mostly) go away.

 

[loriet]

@mandyanddave I had a 50/50 and STILL had same requests from the younger son during the time at EITHER parent, when he was around your kid age. Or even asking for us to get back together even though my ex was re-married and they had a half sister.

The other son, even though only two years older, never had that same issue.

In my experience, it happens even with 50/50 and it is related to age and personality of the child. It does go away overtime as they learn to "wait", even if they still "miss the other parent", they just happy to see both.

The quality of the time you have when with your kid is equally important. By middle school, maybe earlier like end of elementary, none of it was an issue. Both kids had adapted nicely and could go for longer time (in summer for example).

Also they had a phone by then and could call directly either parent without the other parent "monitoring" . Facetime really helped with the "I miss you" as they could talk to the other parent and see the other parent.

I want to add my ex was not amicable, and his wife DID NOT want the kids, it was not easy at his house for them, and still it worked out. They are now well balanced young adults seeing either parents as they wish, even though dad moved away and youngest one is still living with me while going through College.

Hope this helps you. Keep showing up and being a great parent. It works, no matter how much time!