Typical teenage boy - help!

[kkisling109]

Hi all FTP so please be nice.

My son B (13m) has most definitely hit puberty. We love each other to death but we are bickering so much recently. He gets into a mood every now and then where he will just go a little hyper and not knock off annoying behaviour when I ask him to. I tell him to stop and he just rolls his eyes and says 'whatever' and stops, and then a minute later he's doing it again or starts something else or begins to wind up his twin sister e.g. by just standing in her bedroom door and ignore her when she says get out "I'm not even in your roooooom" - typical teenage and sibling behaviour, I get that.

When he is misbehaving I give him a warning and tell him if he does it again what the punishment will be e.g. losing his phone for the rest of the day (thank you google family app), then for 2 days etc, and tell him over and over that he knows the consequences and if he carries on he is choosing that consequence, and not to blame me.

I hold my hands up, I'm crap at reinforcing some of these punishments e.g. I forget to put the parent lock on his phone so he ends up using it anyway.

This week he's been such a pain in the ass. We're up to 3 days no mobile or xbox - I physically took his phone and xbox controller away. I go into his bedroom this morning to get him up for school and lying next to him is an xbox controller that I didn't know he had (his dad gave it to him). As he's waking up he stretches and trys to slide the xbox controller under his pillow but I've already clocked it. I ask him 'If i turn on your xbox and look at the daily usage is it going to tell me you've been using it'. He pauses and then says yes. I've taken the xbox itself away and said I'm tempted to send it to his dads house and not bring it back so he'd only be able to use it every other weekend.

I feel like I'm failing as a parent. I just can't believe the level of disrespect he's given me and how sneaky he's tried to be. I know 'He's a teenager' but like I said we love each other to death. It kind of gets to the point where the punishment stops being effective as well e.g. 3 days with phone and xbox - an extra day won't make any difference and he gets more and more pissed at me.

I'm tempted to say he can't go to Army Cadet camp over the summer which is 10 days away from home and he's been looking forward to it for ages, but I kind of think thats the nuclear button and he'll get worse after that because I wouldn't have anything bigger to threaten him with, and I know it's a good thing for him to do as a teenager.

Any suggestions, even just basic ones - please help! Why don't teenagers come with a manual...?

 

[judgenotbutyourself]

@kkisling109 What you are doing is just fine. You're already on the right track. His behavior is normal for his age. His brain isn't fully developed and he is experimenting with behavior.

I would not ban him from camp over this stuff. Plus the 10 day break will be good for you both. Keep going. You're doing good!

 

[katrina2017]

@kkisling109 We’re at that stage with my youngest, but past it with my 17 yo son.

If you treat him like a little kid he’ll behave like a little kid. So drop the punishments, putting controls on his phone and nagging him about his attitude. Have the same expectations of him as you would have of an adult living in your house. Give him some meaningful work to do. Send him out on errands. My 13 yo will be scrubbing the bathroom this weekend. My 17 yo washed the car (in and out) yesterday.

 

[triplez2]

@katrina2017 Interesting strategy! I’m working with a social worker for my rebellious 14 year who recommends putting limits and rules; which my kid just outright refuses to follow. Might try just treating him like an adult.

 

[radikal]

@kkisling109 If you’re failing, we’re all failing together. Mine is 14m and I’m still definitely trying to figure it out but I think my biggest realizations I’ve had are that I need to let him fail and I can’t take anything he says or does personally. Meaning, if he’s late to or tired at school because he stayed up too late, that’s his problem. There will be natural consequences. I’m not doing him any favors by turning my world upside down, perpetuating the constant fight just so he doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of his own actions. Of course there are limits where permanent damage can occur but staying up too late for even an entire year isn’t one of them. He knows better because I’ve taught him better. He just need to put it into practice and find his own motivations and he won’t be perfect and that’s ok.

For his attitude and the “ughh, mom, I know, I heard you the first time”, I just let it go. He is sweet, lovely gentleman in public. All of his teachers and friends parents adore him. I’m sure your kid is the same. It’s natural and totally normal for kids this age to want independence and distance themselves from that which they are most dependent- which unfortunately makes us feel like the punching bag at times. Try not to let it hurt your feelings.

 

[kkisling109]

@radikal Thanks so much, I'm glad i'm not the only one! So tough to stand back, but you can only do so much I guess xx

 

[katrina2017]

@kkisling109 I have 2 teens; puberty started (actually, it felt like it came screaming) at our house at around 11 and wow....just....wow.

You're not failing as a parent; it's hard parenting (a teen)! ..... but it is time to step it up and mean what you say. It's such a delicate time for everyone - they're going through a lot of emotions and learning how to process/manage these emotions but at the same time, we as parents are also learning the same thing!

While I get they're hella moody and going through a lot, I also don't tolerate disrespectful behaviour either. They are completely allowed to feel what they feel but dismissive "whatever" and eye rolls are really rude. I don't like that so I simply call them out on it like "hey, I know you're feeling upset/moody etc but eye-rolling and being dismissive is really rude. We don't do that to you so don't that to us". It took a few times but they stopped doing that or at least I can't hear them or see them and that's fine too.

As for consequences/punishments, make sure you have clear, consistent rules. Mine are: bad attitude, lying, bad mouthing (eg. swearing at us in anger) etc which will warrant us taking away their phone privileges or ground them. The latter is my nuclear button and I've never had to ground them but we have on multiple occasions suspended their device privileges. From when they were little, they have known that we mean what we say so they get one warning (usually a "hey, you're being rude" or "hey, your tone isn't very nice" or something like that). If you continually give them warnings and then sort of follow through or forget to follow through, you're not doing anything and they will never know the meaning of action vs consequence. If they are grounded for 2wks, they are grounded for 2wks. 14 days. Not 7 days, not 10 days, not 13 days. 14 days. Period. Explain to him why. When the rules and associated consequences are clear and consistent, they will learn.

But what is most important are open discussions about trust and honesty. Your kid is going through a lot so open those doors of communication. Approach him when he's calm and happy (not after an argument), talk about what he's going through, what you guys as a family are going through and what these changes are happening. Talk about trust and how that it takes time to build; him lying or hiding things doesn't breed trust but the exact opposite. And always, whenever he's in the mood to talk, listen. Doesn't even matter if he's talking about silly stuff, listen. Put down whatever it is you're doing and listen. Take an interest. Ask questions. These types of conversations also create a bond and breeds trust between you two. Our best conversations with our kids is when we're at the dinner table or out for dinner, we're taking our dog for a walk or we're driving them to school.

It's a slow progress but keep at it.

 

[kkisling109]

@katrina2017 Thank you thank you thank you for taking so much time to reply with really great advice. Shedding a tear knowing I'm not a completely crap mum. Time to step up to the plate x

 

[katrina2017]

@kkisling109 just so you know, the relationship with kids, esp teens is very delicate. They WILL get mad at you for everything they don't like which is fine ...it's normal and don't take it personally. If they get mad, so be it. They usually retreat to their room to cool off which is also fine. I actually prefer and encourage that because I believe when you're feeling hot headed, take some space and cool off or something might be said that they'll regret. I will also say stuff like "I know you're upset and it's ok to feel that way; I love you and I hope we can talk about it soon"....then I leave them to process it. That's probably not necessary (or is it?) but I say that to let them know that I love them unconditionally, even if we argue.

 

[beready]

@katrina2017 What do you do when they follow you every time you walk away? I’m a single mother to teen twice my size. I won the battle today but it wasn’t easy.

 

[sparrowfeet]

@kkisling109 I totally hear you mama. It gets better… but sometimes not for a long while. My son and I were also extremely close— sometimes I think that makes them have to differentiate more. My son is a ‘dream kid’ in so many respects, liked and admired by teachers and peers, scholarships, multi/sport Varsity athlete — but we have locked down like world wide wrestling the past couple of years. He’s 18 and I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but they are really not adults cognitively until 25. But, we do have to increasingly treat them like adults.

And beware the sanctimonious parents who will come on here and say this behavior isn’t normal — I had to block a woman because she was so horrible and rude— (so if she commented here I won’t be able to see it.)

If you don’t think you might be doing it all wrong at least weekly, you probably aren’t a good parent!

 

[beready]

@kkisling109 I’m in the middle of the same situation. My teenage (15) lied to me about why he needed money. I took his computer away for the night (first time following through) and he’s been a nightmare. He’s bigger than me and always mocks that I can’t do anything. I have never been physical with him , maybe a couple spanks when he was little. The threat of the spatula seemed to work so I only had to use that once. I grew up in an emotional and physically abusive household. I made sure my son did not but also was respectful. So. He’s being a little shit. He finally broke after about 4 hours. Not sure what he’s doing but at least I’m not getting bombarded with insults and general assholery.
Therapy helps. God bless therapy.

 

[djamestampa]

@kkisling109 My favorite phone related punishment was to set their age/content restriction settings to 4+, because if they were going to act like little kids they’d be treated like little kids. They still had their phone, they’d still want to use it, but then there’d be nothing there but relatively boring educational apps. Sort of like how having slow internet is worse than no internet.

 

[mikekovach]

@kkisling109 This is normal and not something to worry about. Of course I understand it is tiring for you and not an ideal situation.

You talked about denying him the camp as a "nuclear option". I don't really think escalating punishment is a good idea. It will just put an additional strain on your relationship and will probably lead to a stronger desire to disobey. I do however recommend strongly that you are more consistent with consequences. You say you tell him over and over that he knows the consequences and that you are crap at reinforcing punishments. I think that would be an area to improve. Give him one clear warning, and the next time he does it, it's time for consequences.

Side note: I feel there is an important distinction between punishment and consequence. A punishment isn't necessarily related to the behavior but a consequence is. For example taking a way his phone would be a consequence if he had used the phone to do something he wasn't allowed to, but it would be a punishment if the behavior was unrelated to the phone like staying out past curfew or bothering his sister. In my experience consequences are much more effective than punishments.

If he is, for example, bothering his sister, sending him to his room is a better response than threatening him with taking away his phone or Xbox.

Also, think smaller consequences for small things rather than a big consequence for repeatedly disobeying.

EDIT - Side note number 2:

It's even better if you can solve it without either punishment or consequence. If you can talk it out and explain how his behavior makes you feel/affects those around him it will aid in his emotional development and make him feel he is being taken seriously. "It is really hurtful when you roll your eyes at me." "If you can't be nice to your sister you need to stay away."