Torn on being one and down

[21chicken]

My husband and I got pregnant unexpectedly a month after we got married. Although I had a pretty healthy pregnancy, I hated being pregnant. Birth was extremely difficult, I labored on and off for a week and had a c section. Recovery was super hard on me. I don’t like feeling immobile or self sufficient. I didn’t feel the lovey feelings when my son was born until 2/3 months after. Our marriage SUFFERED for about 5 months to the point where we contemplated divorcing. I was deeply and I mean deeply depressed. I had many thoughts of running away and fully convinced myself that I shouldn’t be a mom. I thought about ending my life after I signed up for life insurance. My doctors wanted to put me on meds and see a psych evaluation. I just did therapy 3x a week and in time, I got better.

Fast forward 9 months later and I’m constantly thinking if we should have another. I’m traumatized by the whole process the first time but things are so much better now.

Before getting pregnant, I loved the idea of having 2 or 3. Now, I don’t know what I want. The idea of having more kids sounds great in the long run like years down the road. But in the short term, I don’t know if it’s what I really want.

I love our little family of three and I’m obsessed with my little one but I never had this strong desire of being a mom prior to being one. I have friends that LOVE being a mom and I just can’t relate. I love being a mom to my son but I can’t express that I just LOVE being a mom to the point where I want more kids.

I’m 30 and my husband is 36 and he has expressed that if we have more kids, he wants them before he is 40. He doesn’t like the idea of being an older parent since he was raised by older parents. I share the same belief.

Here’s my anxiety talking:

I have a strong and successful career and I want to start my own business soon. What if I don’t have the time to do it all?

What if our son really wants a sibling when he gets older?

When my husband and I get older, we don’t want our son to feel the pressure in taking care of us since it’s only him.

What if after we are gone, he feels lonely like he has no one else around?

What if I regret years down the road?

Give it to me straight, I can handle it, what do y’all think?

 

[melissauk]

@21chicken I would suggest taking the decision off the table for now and planning to revisit it in a year or two. You said your LO is only 9 months old and your husband wants to have a second in next 4 years - what is the rush? My husband and I are very likely OAD with a toddler and are giving ourselves another 2 years to decide before fully closing the door. I don’t think there is any one “right” size family. Give yourself some time to continue healing, enjoy your family of three, and revisit discussions about #2 later.

About the anxiety points:
- No one can do it all. You have to decide what’s a priority, and what has to be dropped.
- I don’t think kids should have a say in your family size, that is for you and your husband to decide. I didn’t want siblings, and my parents had two more after me. That was their choice to make.
- Your child/children should not have to worry about taking care of you. Make sure you have a Will, trust, medical directives, etc and plan financially for your retirement.
- I love my siblings, but am much much closer to my husband and friends. They are the people I rely on when I’m going through hard times, and who will help me get through the (hopefully far away!) loss of my parents. Your son will have amazing people in his life too, regardless of whether he has siblings.
- There are always decisions we may regret. You have time to really decide whether more kids is right for your family.

 

[afrahatun]

@melissauk I just started tearing up reading this. I am pretty sure I’m one and done (daughter 18 months) but have some of the same anxieties as OP. Your response is so kind and feels like it’s giving me permission to lean into my gut and be happy and content with my only knowing all the truths you just laid out. Thank you.

 

[melissauk]

@afrahatun So happy it helped you Highly recommend joining us over on r/oneanddone!

 

[21chicken]

@melissauk Thank you for your transparency. It’s been on my mind a lot lately as more and more of my friends around me are pregnant with their second or third and they are just so excited. If we were to have another one, we would definitely want to do it before the 4 year mark so we definitely have time. Another point I didn’t mention was the potential age gap if we decided to have another.

I have pretty anxiety and think about a lot of things and scenarios

 

[melissauk]

@21chicken My husband is very close to his brother and he is 6 years older than him if that helps at all! My bff is an only child - I call her my sister and she is my only’s godmother. It’s really tough to make these huge decisions, but you have time

 

[needhelp101]

@21chicken My kid is 2 years . I am exhausted all the time . I don’t think I am in the right frame of mind to make this call. I always wanted to 2 kids but I am going to wait for Atleast 2 more years to take this call. If I am this burned out at the end of 4 years , then I am going to be one and done .

 

[21chicken]

@needhelp101 That’s how I’m feeling and we are only at 9 months. I keep thinking that maybe my exhaustion will get better once I’m done breastfeeding…

 

[katrina2017]

@21chicken It sounds like you have 3 years to decide. Preschoolers are an entirely different animal. See how your kid is at age 3. See how you’re handling it and see how much support you can build in if you did want one then. Our society sets up moms to fail with no financial support and usually a tiny nuclear family so you’ve gotta put a lot in place for yourself. Then decide.

For what’s its worth, we are one and done by choice, and I didn’t go through what you did. My only will be fine. He has attentive parents who can respond to feelings of loneliness. Healthy, calm parents trump siblings, hands down.

 

[21chicken]

@katrina2017 Thank you for sharing. The absolute LAST thing I want is for my emotional and mental issues to impact my son. I want him to have healthy parents. My mom wasn’t emotionally stable so I desperately do not want to repeat that with my son

 

[reporter94]

@21chicken I had a similar experience to you, except we tried to get pregnant. We ended up tabling our “have another baby discussion” until our son was 5 because we couldn’t afford childcare for 2 small kids simultaneously. And I was uncomfortable with the long term financial impacts of not working. So, we waited. When I tell you that the sustained loss of autonomy during those baby jail years was traumatic for me, I mean it. Potty training almost broke me. Not having a say in my existence day to day for years was one of the hardest things I have dealt with. By the time we got to age 5 and had a kiddo that could eat normal food, wipe his own butt, and didn’t need a nap schedule worked around, I was never going back. All that is to say, everyone is different, but I would table the conversation a year and see what life with a toddler looks like. Some people do better with the knowledge that everything is temporary, some are like me and just can’t see going through it again.

 

[21chicken]

@reporter94 I feel your pain on the autonomy! That’s another thing I didn’t mention.

When I got the epidural, I completely lost my mind. The inability to just get up and walk around nearly killed me. Then the recovery, not being able to drive, the fact that I can’t just get in the car and go to the store real quick… i never realized how important that was for me until I didn’t have it

 

[laidyjenn]

@21chicken Just want to share that I had a horrible first pregnancy, traumatic birth, severe ppd and PPA - similar to what you described. I wasn’t always sure I wanted kids and agreed because my husband really wanted kids. I had a hard time bonding to my daughter because of getting by ill at 39 weeks plus all the complications with the birth. After the baby we got married and got pregnant again right away. The second pregnancy was so much better, the birth although a c-section was a breeze and I bonded so much with my second daughter. In a way it healed all the disappointments of my first experience. In a way the second experience made me connect with my first daughter a lot more. It was really hard having 2 under 2 though so I would recommend a larger age gap - you still have 4 years to decide so you don’t have to decide now.