@goodlistener If you threatened to take the party away if she doesn’t get a 75 in her classes or above- you better
follow through. Otherwise, you’re going to get more of this, because you have a track record of no consequences.
Although I suspect you want the party as much as she does- who wouldn’t as a parent. You want to take joy in loving your child.
I have the same tendencies as you. I have learned the hard way that I didn’t follow through on consequences- and also gave bad consequences based on reactionary parenting.
The thing is, my daughter was failing Spanish and had basically 10-12 missing assignments, I decided to change my habit. I said “wow you better make those assignments up, or you might end up in summer school and miss the TXT concert you have tickets for first week of June.” (Kind of like, hey the responsibility is on you if you want to go to this concert.) That didn’t really phase her (sink in, in a real way), but she stayed home sick the same week, and instead of giving her internet. I said, “you can have internet when you complete assignments on your school computer”. So all she had to do was do assignments. No other option. She also made an effort to go to her teacher in a study hall and complete assignments she wasn’t sure how to do.
Eventually she passed Spanish. And that’s good for me.
The thing I’m saying is:
1- don’t over involve yourself. Yes you can check grades but I actually wouldn’t get mired in the work WITH your daughter. It’s helicopter parenting, and kids hate it. I checked the grades and saw the missing assignments myself, or when I saw F’s for the class- I mentioned it to my kid. But that’s as deep in the weeds as I got. They need to grow up and if it’s gonna take failing, then they have to fail. Us doing it for them or leading them through it makes them resentful, and also doesn’t help with real life skills.
2- If my daughter had 2 F’s in two different classes for her class grades and could raise them, your daughter can too. My advice is, it’s our natural mode to freak out, so do the opposite. If assignments are missing, it’s kind of the easiest scenario…. She just has to complete them for credit. I discovered that with my daughter… so the 0’s turned into grades and raised the overall grade. Ultimately,
stay calm and detach yourself from her grades. They are hers to figure out.
3- Maybe don’t make threats as big as taking away a sweet 16 party, because you know deep down you aren’t going to do that. Start with the little things, and only in the moment. So mention 1 time that she needs to turn in assignments, and let it go. When she asks later that day, or that week to do something fun, or to buy something- say: “how many of those assignments did you complete and turn in? When you get some of that done, we can do (fun thing).”
So motivating in the moment. Not when you are reacting to the school calling you, so you threaten her with huge life events.
4- If it’s something she really won’t do on her own, I would involve the school, and her counselor. So, instead of you trying to force her to do work… write or call the counselor or learning coordinator and say, “my daughter has all these missing assignments… is there some way you can work with her on a schedule for her to get them done” and give them the authority. Since lenient parents are often a joke to teens… she might actually feel supported and less overwhelmed if someone at school helps work out how to bring the grades up.
Finally, missing assignments isn’t the end of the world. You really can raise the final class grades up. The goal for you is to give her ownership, create natural consequences in times when she will feel it, and work with the school if needed. Maybe apologize to her about threatening to cancel the party, then stress that turning in the assignments is her job, but you all can ask the school for a little help- leave it there. Give natural consequences that will motivate her to complete them.
My biggest regret as a parent has been not being calm. So that’s what I work on the most. Myself. Not trying to change my kid. But change me.
