Toddler sleep: at my wits end

[wolfsgold]

Hi parents. I come here with a very heavy heart. I have a 15-month-old boy. He has been a terrible sleeper since day 1.

Dad and I were against sleep training from the start. We (LO and I) co-sleep at night and still breastfeed. But we are at the stage now where LO wakes up to 10 times per night and only goes back down when latching onto my boob. It's clearly a strong sleep association now - he eats solids amazingly and is well-above the average weight for his age. He also won't stay asleep at night unless he is tucked under my arm.

He is as healthy as can be (as per recent paed checkup). But I'm really struggling, because:

1. I work full-time for a high pressure job. The sleep deprivation is getting to me.
2. Dad and I have not spent more than 30 minutes together, alone, in 15 months.
3. I feel like I am not as present as a mother during the time I spent with my son in the day, due to my sleep deprivation.
4. I don't have my period back and we want another baby sooner rather than later (perhaps crazy considering #1, but baby fever is real).
5. I have not spent a single night away from my son since the day he was born. My quality of life is really impacted by this.

As such, we have become pretty set on night-weaning LO. I know this is not the most natural decision possible for my baby. But with me also working full-time, and not having the support of a broader community (e.g. many aunties who live with us and could take turns at night), unfortunately this "unnatural" setup is our reality.

Everything I read online about night-weaning really scares me. Our plan is to do the following:

1. Set aside two weeks (hopefully it won't take this long). During this time, have very few obligations due to some rough nights, and have no other change in LO's current routine
2. Dad will "do" the night weaning and I will sleep in a separate room (if I were involved in the weaning, I just feel like LO won't be able to see past the fact that my boob is "there").
3. Dad will put LO down, respond to him each time he wakes up, and get him back down without me
   1. This said, when Dad puts LO down, he rocks him to sleep. Should this continue? Or just rubbing back/singing etc.?
4. LO will now sleep in a floor mattress next to our bed (rather than in our bed and under my arm)
5. I'll return to our bedroom once LO has been "successfully" night-weaned. LO will continue to start bedtime on the floor mattress next to our bed, and sleep much longer stretches (I won't even dare to think "through the night").

What I am scared about:

1. That this will traumatize my son with irrevocable damage
2. That my son will feel abandoned by me, that this will damage our bond
3. That my son will develop health/psychological issues now or in the future (he has never ever been unwell!)
4. That now, going forward, if LO does wake up at any stage (teething, sleep regressions), we will no longer have the feeding-to-sleep tool in our toolkit.

But all this considered - me and my family need this. PLEASE let me know your experiences/any helpful resources/and so on. I have read Jay Gordon and have mixed feelings. I want to be as gentle as possible, while also now taking into account my and Dad's needs, which at this stage have now surpassed LO's needs (IMO).

 

[zach0024]

@wolfsgold Do it!! I think your plan sounds wonderful. You could offer some cows milk before bed. Support his crying any way that helps - my husband also did rocking and then when nursing was no longer on my daughters mind we faded that out until she just lay next to us to fall asleep. The first nights may be rough. My husband had to tap out after like 2,3 hours of crying and I’d take over. Don’t be afraid to do that. Also what we did is we focused on the first wake up. So the first wake up was handled by dad and I’d go in and nurse for all consecutive wake ups. Helped her understand that she could also fall asleep for dad and then that first wake up shifted later and later. But you could also go cold turkey for sure.

 

[wolfsgold]

@zach0024 Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience. Dad first, and Mom for subsequent wakes, actually sounds like a good idea. We may try this. Really appreciate it x

 

[shortyi]

@wolfsgold Your son will not be traumatised. He will not feel abandoned. He will not develop any form of mental illness because you want your body back. He will be okay.

I understand that there is a lot of anxiety in parenting but I honest to god promise you he will be okay.

Do you remember when your parents weaned you off the breast or the bottle? The binky, maybe?

It's more or less the same situation. The vast majority of infants and toddlers are told no and thats the end. No more binky, boob, baba, whatever. We do not have an influx of people seeking therapy because their mom stopped breastfeeding them.

Your little dude will be absolutely fine. Night wean that boy and get your sleep back (until the next one, that is).

 

[wolfsgold]

@shortyi Thank you so much for the reassurance. I really appreciate it