Toddler sleep: at my wits end

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wolfsgold

New member
Hi parents. I come here with a very heavy heart. I have a 15-month-old boy. He has been a terrible sleeper since day 1.

Dad and I were against sleep training from the start. We (LO and I) co-sleep at night and still breastfeed. But we are at the stage now where LO wakes up to 10 times per night and only goes back down when latching onto my boob. It's clearly a strong sleep association now - he eats solids amazingly and is well-above the average weight for his age. He also won't stay asleep at night unless he is tucked under my arm.

He is as healthy as can be (as per recent paed checkup). But I'm really struggling, because:
  1. I work full-time for a high pressure job. The sleep deprivation is getting to me.
  2. Dad and I have not spent more than 30 minutes together, alone, in 15 months.
  3. I feel like I am not as present as a mother during the time I spent with my son in the day, due to my sleep deprivation.
  4. I don't have my period back and we want another baby sooner rather than later (perhaps crazy considering #1, but baby fever is real).
  5. I have not spent a single night away from my son since the day he was born. My quality of life is really impacted by this.
As such, we have become pretty set on night-weaning LO. I know this is not the most natural decision possible for my baby. But with me also working full-time, and not having the support of a broader community (e.g. many aunties who live with us and could take turns at night), unfortunately this "unnatural" setup is our reality.

Everything I read online about night-weaning really scares me. Our plan is to do the following:
  1. Set aside two weeks (hopefully it won't take this long). During this time, have very few obligations due to some rough nights, and have no other change in LO's current routine
  2. Dad will "do" the night weaning and I will sleep in a separate room (if I were involved in the weaning, I just feel like LO won't be able to see past the fact that my boob is "there").
  3. Dad will put LO down, respond to him each time he wakes up, and get him back down without me
    1. This said, when Dad puts LO down, he rocks him to sleep. Should this continue? Or just rubbing back/singing etc.?
  4. LO will now sleep in a floor mattress next to our bed (rather than in our bed and under my arm)
  5. I'll return to our bedroom once LO has been "successfully" night-weaned. LO will continue to start bedtime on the floor mattress next to our bed, and sleep much longer stretches (I won't even dare to think "through the night").
What I am scared about:
  1. That this will traumatize my son with irrevocable damage
  2. That my son will feel abandoned by me, that this will damage our bond
  3. That my son will develop health/psychological issues now or in the future (he has never ever been unwell!)
  4. That now, going forward, if LO does wake up at any stage (teething, sleep regressions), we will no longer have the feeding-to-sleep tool in our toolkit.
But all this considered - me and my family need this. PLEASE let me know your experiences/any helpful resources/and so on. I have read Jay Gordon and have mixed feelings. I want to be as gentle as possible, while also now taking into account my and Dad's needs, which at this stage have now surpassed LO's needs (IMO).
 
@wolfsgold Do it!! I think your plan sounds wonderful. You could offer some cows milk before bed. Support his crying any way that helps - my husband also did rocking and then when nursing was no longer on my daughters mind we faded that out until she just lay next to us to fall asleep. The first nights may be rough. My husband had to tap out after like 2,3 hours of crying and I’d take over. Don’t be afraid to do that. Also what we did is we focused on the first wake up. So the first wake up was handled by dad and I’d go in and nurse for all consecutive wake ups. Helped her understand that she could also fall asleep for dad and then that first wake up shifted later and later. But you could also go cold turkey for sure.
 
@zach0024 Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience. Dad first, and Mom for subsequent wakes, actually sounds like a good idea. We may try this. Really appreciate it x
 
@wolfsgold Your son will not be traumatised. He will not feel abandoned. He will not develop any form of mental illness because you want your body back. He will be okay.

I understand that there is a lot of anxiety in parenting but I honest to god promise you he will be okay.

Do you remember when your parents weaned you off the breast or the bottle? The binky, maybe?

It's more or less the same situation. The vast majority of infants and toddlers are told no and thats the end. No more binky, boob, baba, whatever. We do not have an influx of people seeking therapy because their mom stopped breastfeeding them.

Your little dude will be absolutely fine. Night wean that boy and get your sleep back (until the next one, that is).
 
@wolfsgold So my 11 month old was similar until about 2 weeks ago.. she cosleeps and would wake up to nurse usually 3-5 times overnight ...she does start the night in her crib after she is nursed to sleep and I bring her to bed with us at her first wake up which used to be 11 or 12. I went away for 3 nights for the first time overnight in her life and dad was on overnight duty with bottles... all 3 nights she had a bottle before bed, slept until about 4 and then when she woke.up he tried to make a bottle and give it to her and she fell back asleep in the time it took him to make the bottle (so yes she did cry a little, but for
 
@valetic Wow so encouraging that you could go away for 3 nights and Dad managed it like a champ! Amazing how quickly your LO adjusted. These little's really are resilient, and this gives me more courage to try and do something for myself for once.
 
@wolfsgold Yeah I was super nervous about it and almost canceled but then someone said to me "why are you worried? She is still with her other parent" and I was like.... that's a very good point.
 
@wolfsgold My 14mo wakes up every 30-60 mins, so I'm right there with you. I night weaned using a modified version of the Jay Gordon method (I didn't ever put her down awake, just broke the feed-to-sleep association). It did make things better for a while and we got a few nights with longer stretches (I'm still talking only like 3 hours but this was so much better than before). However, the wakes returned and are pretty much back to very frequent now. HOWEVER, night weaning is still worth it because me and my partner are able to swap nights on/off which is glorious. Also, the toll on my body feels so much more manageable now my nipples aren't getting destroyed all night. It feels much more manageable to rock/pat/shush back to sleep than to feed, for me at least.
 
@evans26 Thank you for sharing! Yes, even if Dad could just help with some nights, would make my life so much easier and I'd be a much more present Mama as a result.
 
@wolfsgold 10 wakes a night sounds really excessive at that age and makes me wonder if something else is going on. Have you checked to see if he is mouth breathing at night?
 
@sevenout03 Just to say that it actually is a lot more common than you think. My 14 mo wakes up about the same amount, and has been through every medical test possible and is all clear. I've met a lot of other people going through the same thing
 
@sevenout03 I agree with both- I was so sure something must have been missed due to how often my then 12mo woke up. I did a week of very slow planned transition from cosleeping- I was shocked how much her wakes dropped.
We're back cosleeping now lol cause I'm at work, but even now we get random 4-6 hour stretches with no further changes but her age and reducing night feeds.
 
@wolfsgold I just fully weaned my 15mo and it was so much easier than I expected. He is still a happy-as-can-be child and has pretty much forgot about my boobs. Good luck to you!
 
@eleos2b We weaned night feeds about 6 months ago by scheduling 2 feeds throughout the night, at 10pm and 3am. Then maybe a few weeks later I fed for a minute less every couple days. There was definitely some crying but we held the boundary and comforted him.

I weaned daytime in a similar way. Introduced a schedule where there was none. Went from open buffet to 3 feeds, 2 feeds, then just the morning feed was left which was the hardest one. Took a few weeks. Small amounts of goats milk in a bottle has helped as a replacement for that early morning hunger.

I will add that I'm now pregnant which was why we weaned daytime. My milk was so low that my nipples hurt when he sucked. (I also just wanted a break before baby 2.) The low supply may have sped up the process for him too.

I hope you know that your fears are valid but unwarranted. Your child will be absolutely fine. Feed-to-sleep is a great tool but cuddle/sing/rock to sleep will eventually work just fine.
 
@angel787 Thank you for sharing, and congrats on your new pregnancy! My broodiness is real right now - and, just like you, I want a little "break" before jumping into this all over again 😅

Out of curiosity, if you don't mind sharing, do you think you'll do anything different sleep/feeding-wise with #2? It's entered my mind that I'll probably still feed to sleep and co-sleep for the first few months.. but may try end the co-sleeping a little earlier next time (while still ensuring baba's milk and nutritional needs are met).
 
@wolfsgold Just for reference my baby slept through the night on her own between 3 weeks old and 8 months old and so she automatically night weaned herself, and she is totally fine psychologically and health-wise. The pediatrician said it was fine so long as she stays hydrated through the day. Your baby will be just fine:)
 
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