@dvcochran I have asked for it and it hasn't improved to more than the barest of minimums. He's rubbish at taking care of the kids when they are sick or hurt, too. Unfortunately, he doesn't receive information on other people's feelings well, over text or in person.
It was somewhat better day to day when he was in regular therapy, but unfortunately he stopped going.
@cristy Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Have you considered individual therapy? It really helped me sort out where my hard lines were. We did couples therapy too and I am grateful for it, even though it was def not my husband's jam and he didn't put as much into it as I had hoped. Only you can decide what's good enough. I don't think there is any perfect person out there, not that you are looking for that, but we have to know what's acceptable for ourselves, what's not, and what can be worked on. Its important that he recognize why these things are important to you, and that's where a neutral third party can be helpful. I guess for me, good enough works IF my deal breakers are not happening. I need him to acknowledge the really important stuff, even if he doesn't get it initially, and sometimes we revisit this many times. Because like you say, I need to feel that I have a functional adult partner who can meet certain needs. And I also had to see where maybe I was minimizing things that were really important to him, and try and improve that. For me, as long as I feel that there is still love and respect between us, it's worth working on.
@cristy Something I struggle with is that as a high powered, preforming woman, I feel like we are kind of thought of as these invincible or ‘make it work under even the hardest circumstances’ type people, and the idea that we also want affection and support and help is just not considered. My husband is so much better than my previous relationships for this but I still had to tell him that I want to feel like he cares when I have trouble at work even if he thinks or knows that I will make it through. I don’t know exactly how to put it into words because I don’t want to be babied or belittled but I also want to be cared for and protected…
Then for parenting, was his own father like this? My husbands father was apparently super strict and difficult (he died when my husband was a teenager and I never met him), and he was afraid of his father all the time. So when we discussed parenting styles we directly discussed that - he didn’t want his kids to feel how he felt growing up and that directed him to understand really well the ‘what not to do’. I have some of the same tendencies, my mother was so critical of everything and I find myself doing that too, so I try to reflect it’s not what I want and it does have an effect even if in the moment it seems like just a minor thing to say. I understand a lot better now why my mother used to say things like that, but when I think of how much it stuck with me and hurt me is really the easiest way for me to calm myself in a moment and not try to repeat the same things.
@cristy Also here to say you're not alone and this sounds a lot like our situation too. But in my case, it feels like my husband keeps score and has to make sure things are 50/50.
My husband also gets in these moods where he completely shuts down and then he just sits on his ass, won't help with anything and ignores us until he snaps out of it. So then I'm on the hook for everything with a very active 20 month old (we're currently going through it now). And I hate it because it makes me feel like shit, but things still need to get done. So I suck it up regardless of how exhausted I am because I have a 20 month old counting on me.
@cristy This sounds almost exactly like my partner. If I'm sick, injured, sad, he has no sympathy whatsoever. He often acts suprised about things I've done or am doing, and it's because I've stopped even telling him anything unless he really needs to know because of childcare or something. I run a fairly successful business but he is always amazed when I can troubleshoot my own and even other people's IT problems, or do a bunch of business stuff like invoicing and taxes and marketing, because it's never occurred to him I do those things and he's never thought to ask. So far he adores our daughter, but I'm worried as she gets older he'll get this way with her. I don't really have any advice so I'd be super interested to learn. Trying to talk to him just leads to him accusing me of being over emotional and wanting to analyse and talk about everything. And telling me I have nothing to complain about. He doesn't get that I'm allowed to be unhappy with a situation even if other people might be ok with it. And even if it's bad for him too.
@cristy Wow this sounds exactly like my husband. Like EXACTLY. He pulls mostly his weight and handles his chores, he can handle the kids when I go to work. But he’s just angry- flies off the handle at our toddler, easily frustrated with the baby. I’ve brought up to him how he never asks about my day whether I’m home with the kids or working, never give a shit when I was vomiting 3-4x a day my last pregnancy with a toddler. I wish I had any advice at all on how to work through this but I feel there is no getting through to him. I genuinely believe he is depressed but he is too proud to talk to anyone.
@cristy Drop the balls. I discovered when pregnant that I was doing 97% of the mental and physical load to maintain our household when I suddenly just couldn’t anymore. After a week of not thinking ahead about dinner, my husband started cooking. With cooking came him making a shared grocery list we can both update as we notice things (funny that didn’t work when I tried it). Grocery runs made him realize that “oh, I need to check the household supplies too” and took over that. Laundry followed in a similar fashion when I started using my own laundry basket and he needed his Rec league shirt and it was STANKY.
Are the household tasks up to “my standards”? Nope. Do we now have similar free time? Yep. Is our marriage stronger? Hell yeah. This method only works if your husband isn’t actively choosing to supplement his free time with yours through your labor, but if he is truly a good partner like you say then it shouldn’t be an issue.
@cristy Oh my gosh are we married to the same guy? My husband is a great dad, and he makes dinner every night and he’s started to clean the kitchen after dinner too! But I’m still the breadwinner, make sure the sheets are changed, swap out our kids clothes seasonally, vacuum, sweep, do laundry, take care of bills, schedule our kids drs appointments, feed the pets…. And my husband really doesn’t ask how my day was. I’ve just accepted that his love language is acts of service. After reading posts here and hearing from friends I really think this is as good as it gets.
@cristy Being “emotionally reserved” and expressing affection through acts of service is a personality type - not a failing to be fixed. Your husband seems to be falling short of some arbitrary standard that you have in your mind, and you seem to be having trouble accepting him for who he is.
My sincere advice to you is to accept your husband for who he is as a person. Marriage should be a friendship first, based on mutual acceptance and respect. If you want to improve your marriage, perhaps start with acceptance.
@nathan98 I appreciate this callout. Years ago, a therapist recommended a book about arranged marriages. The lesson was that we oftentimes expect our spouses to fill every relationship role in our lives, from partner to lover to BFF to confidant – and that it’s not sustainable. So you’re right in that I may hoping he’ll fill some of those emotionally intimate roles more than he can. That’s fair, thank you.
However, I do hope I’m not exhausting to live with because I expect an intelligent adult to take their growth opportunities into their own hands sometimes. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s change. Look – I’m here asking a like-minded group of women for advice on how I can help this situation improve for the both of us. So I don’t think it’s an unattainable ask for my husband to also continue working on himself or finding solutions to pain points without my nagging. Acceptance creates a slippery slope into incompetence.
@cristy Funny how the down voted post is one you found most useful! I find that the balance between acceptance and improvement is something that I also struggle with. I hope you find success in communicating your needs to your husband and finding that balance together.
@wilmaed It was one of the more against-the-grain replies and, to be fair, my post was half about my husband as a parent and half about him as a partner, so I opened myself up to this critique.
@cristy FWIW I’ve been married nearly 30 years, both of us had C-level jobs, and we have a profoundly disabled child. My whole life has gone against the grain, as it were, so I’ve learned to pay attention to what’s real and what paths lead to happiness. OP, you’re a truth seeker. You’ll find your way.
@cristy I appreciate that you’re about personal growth, OP. Growth requires going outside one’s comfort zone and unsurprisingly, it’s not a universal goal. It’s possible that your husband does not care two hoots about growth. He’s not unique, that’s true of most people, and that’s why they stay in echo chambers.
@cristy My husband and I took the “love language test”, mine is ‘acts of service’ or as he puts it ‘having him do stuff for me’.
We all have different love languages but it’s important for your husband to understand yours. And agree with the comment about meeting him where he is but he at least needs to make an effort.
Maybe do a date night in and take the test together, talk through different ways you both can show your love language
@nathan98 I don't agree that it's ok to just disregard someone's feelings because of personality type. He doesn't have to change completely but it's not a change of personality to show some empathy.
@jamesmason10 What empathy has he failed to show, exactly? OP wants someone “who dotes on her, asks her about her day, talks through tough stuff.” That has nothing to do with empathy, she’s asking for emotional intimacy. She wants a BFF modeled on relationships with other women, or on what she has seen on social media. He does acts of service instead, and carries his load around the house. They just have different emotional wiring, and she has trouble accepting that, because she has idealized a mythical guy who will behave a certain way with her.
OP sounds exhausting to live with, with all the condescending lecturing telling him how he should be. In my experience, if you nag emotionally reserved guys in an attempt to shape them into something that they are not, they will tolerate it without saying anything for a long while, and then walk.
@nathan98 Um, asking your partner about their day is not a big ask. And emotional intimacy is part of a romantic relationship. That can take different forms but if a person doesn't want that they shouldn't get into a relationship. I could pay a handyman to do tasks around the house, that's not a relationship.
