@dianna Those comments from people just piss me off. Do you tell them off? I would tell them that I already did that, let go of everything and was extremely *R*E*L*A*X*E*D* for five months or so, but it did absolutely no-thing. Maybe, since they know so much more about this than we do (...), they could inform me what I'm doing wrong? Was it maybe the sixth month of relaxing that would have finally done it? Or was I relaxing in the wrong way? Were we using the wrong position while "relaxing"?
The key to having a baby is not to stress about having a baby [F29]
- Thread starter highonluna
- Start date
-
- Tags
- trying for a baby vent
asatrugirl
New member
@highonluna My fertility doctor told me at our consultation that stress affecting getting pregnant is not real. Stress is just stress. It affects you and isn’t fun. No one enjoys being stressed, and we all want to be relaxed every day. De-stressing will help you feel better in general, but it doesn’t have any bearing on whether you’re going to get pregnant or not.
@highonluna Omg, the number of people who tell you to go on vacation and get magically pregnant. Or tell the amusing anecdote of the person they know who stopped trying after years and magically got pregnant…. It’s infuriating.
I might start asking those people to fund my next vacation so I can test out their advice
Also, never in the history of being stressed, has it ever been helpful to be told to “just relax” or “stop stressing out.”
I might start asking those people to fund my next vacation so I can test out their advice
Also, never in the history of being stressed, has it ever been helpful to be told to “just relax” or “stop stressing out.”
jennymarie
New member
@highonluna I keep hearing it too. I have to plan at least a little of when to have sex because my husband works night shift and there have been times in my fertile window that I will not see him if I don’t have him wake me up in the middle of the night to bang. “You’re thinking about it too much”. No, Janet, I can’t just have sex whenever I want for it to work, there have to be SOME logistics involved.
And also, if women could only get pregnant when we weren’t stressed the human race wouldn’t exist. People still got pregnant in times of war, famine, abusive relationships, non-consensual sex. Stress is not a limiting factor thank you.
And also, if women could only get pregnant when we weren’t stressed the human race wouldn’t exist. People still got pregnant in times of war, famine, abusive relationships, non-consensual sex. Stress is not a limiting factor thank you.
blackfriar
New member
@highonluna Yup it's the "just don't think about it and worry so much!" comments. like ah yes let me just forget about the thing I care about the most right now. if I only i could switch my feelings to the same autonomy breathing gets and forget about everything.
notaprov31woman
New member
@highonluna Yeah, I was relaxed in the first 12 months since that was supposed to be the normal amount of time it would take and guess what... I still couldnt conceive so
@highonluna I keep hearing it too and even from women who I know had trouble conceiving and were probably also frustrated at being told to “just relax.” It’s like they had their babies and now they have amnesia about what it was like out here in these trenches.
One friend asked me if I thought about switching professions to be “less stressed.” Like, what? Why would I do that???
One friend asked me if I thought about switching professions to be “less stressed.” Like, what? Why would I do that???
daydreamingtoescape
New member
@highonluna Going to therapy from the beginning helped a lot. I even dragged my MIL to therapy who was basically telling me if I knew I had PCOS, I shouldn’t have married her son. Well I didn’t know…. 
Anyways… when I was really struggling, my OB recommended I consider medication to get my mental health under control… and thank god she advocated for that because I had an MC the very next cycle. I wouldn’t have been able to survive those few months if it wasn’t for that.
Acknowledging the stress and the challenges is also a part of the process. For us, it was important to make space for our relationship - more than just BD to create crotch fruit. Finding ways to enjoy sex and not just make it another chore similar to washing dishes made it easier to keep going in our fertility journey
Anyways… when I was really struggling, my OB recommended I consider medication to get my mental health under control… and thank god she advocated for that because I had an MC the very next cycle. I wouldn’t have been able to survive those few months if it wasn’t for that.
Acknowledging the stress and the challenges is also a part of the process. For us, it was important to make space for our relationship - more than just BD to create crotch fruit. Finding ways to enjoy sex and not just make it another chore similar to washing dishes made it easier to keep going in our fertility journey
olbrychtrings
New member
@highonluna I can’t help but eye roll every time I get “don’t stress about it” or “you’re trying too hard”. I’m sorry, how is that even physically possible to try for a baby too hard?? I have to track my cycles. If I didn’t I’d most likely never get pregnant as my husband has low sex drive and there’s been months when we don’t even have sex. I have to track and know when I’m fertile and hope that I can “warm him up” on at least one fertile day! Side note: he seems to be the horniest when I’m on my period, in other words, when he can’t have me. It’s so annoying!
@olbrychtrings I don't know, are you sure though that you would like to build a family with a man who finds you hot only when you are truly withdrawn and on your lowest libido like during period?
Husbands with low sex drive hardly ever cheat, that's good news, but it may be very challenging for trying for a baby and then for you to feel desirable as a woman again. Unless, wasn't if for the baby, you also have a low sex drive, then that's a good match. For myself I know I wouldn't last easily in a relationship with low sex drive of the man, but that's just me.
Husbands with low sex drive hardly ever cheat, that's good news, but it may be very challenging for trying for a baby and then for you to feel desirable as a woman again. Unless, wasn't if for the baby, you also have a low sex drive, then that's a good match. For myself I know I wouldn't last easily in a relationship with low sex drive of the man, but that's just me.
olbrychtrings
New member
@banjobaby My drive isn’t super high either, we’re fine. It’s not that he finds me undesirable when I’m not on my period, I think it’s the mentality of he can’t have me then, which makes him want me more.
@highonluna If I'm talking about TTC with someone new, I learned to preface it with "please don't tell me tell me 'it will happen once you stop thinking about it', as that makes it my fault that I'm not conceiving and that, immediately, makes it more stressful". Makes me sound like a bitch but IDC, I'm over it.
laurenand44
New member
@highonluna I think the biggest lesson for me has been learning to let go and accepting that I can't control everything. I can only do so much in terms of taking care of myself, taking meds on time etc. but eventually major part of this is beyond my control. So stressing over that part will only affect my mental and physical health. I've learnt to live with this.
janestryker
New member
@highonluna Your thoughts exactly mirror mine. I hate hearing comments like, "relax", "don't think about it". Like what others have said, these comments are very dismissive. And it puts the women "at fault" for not getting pregnant. It's the same as saying, "Oh you're not getting pregnant because you are not relaxed enough." It is also very burdensome when people ask all the time--what I did to just shut down comments is to directly tell them I have a fertility appointment coming up. It's tiring! Sometimes I just want to say, "I'm probably infertile!!!" I feel ya. And yes to therapy, like someone in this thread mentioned.
highonluna
New member
@janestryker You know what, I think thats a key piece I missed - saying I need to relax feels like Im the one at fault while TTC. I think a part of me hears "you weren't relaxed enough..its your fault" when I hear that phrase. My MIL told it to me just this morning after I posted too. Ugh.
I have a follow up appointment booked today coincidentally. Therapy rocks!
I have a follow up appointment booked today coincidentally. Therapy rocks!
ultralucky
New member
@highonluna I was at a New Year’s party. I had cramps and a headache from period. My husbands best friend came up to me and he yelled “you must pregnant, you aren’t drinking” which caused people to join in and ask which hurt so bad .
No im not pregnant. I wish I was.
My husband defended his friend because he said people would assume I was pregnant due to not drinking on new years.
I get it. I actually feel more pressure and stress , since I feel like I’m failing .
No im not pregnant. I wish I was.
My husband defended his friend because he said people would assume I was pregnant due to not drinking on new years.
I get it. I actually feel more pressure and stress , since I feel like I’m failing .
@ultralucky Drinking culture is so shitty. No, it doesn't matter whether I'm pregnant, trying to be, or just don't want to drink - none of your business! (Lost my "alcohol virginity" at 30 with light cider and that's as far as I'll go.)
jeffreyvidrio
New member
@highonluna Omg this right here! That's my trigger and you saying it has triggered me, this is amazing! I always wondered what it was, and why I always have to say "I'm not worried I know it'll happen eventually but..." then I start putting on a mask because the comments make me start worrying and it's that mask that's draining.
Maybe this is why people don't talk about it.... Who knows... I'm more chill about it because I'm resigned to needing interventions x
Maybe this is why people don't talk about it.... Who knows... I'm more chill about it because I'm resigned to needing interventions x