The key to having a baby is not to stress about having a baby [F29]

[highonluna]

I wanted to write this because I''m finally starting to crack.

When I first went off birth control 2.5 years agoI
I knew I would have trouble getting pregnant. A lifetime of PCOS predicted it. I remember being told that I was overplanning, stressing too much, too anxious.

I wasn't. If we had gotten pregnant we were at a point in life we could make it work to be honest, but it wasn't an ideal time for us. But if I didnt get pregnant I could get into a fertility clinic without having to wait an extra year and that was worth it for me. I enjoyed my new marriage and barely thought about concieving.

Just over a year in I got referred to a fertility clinic- all I heard from my mother was that I was once again being overly stressed and anxious. I wasnt stressed or anxious at all. It just felt like a different brand of PCOS treatment that I hadnt tried before, but the constant "dont stress!" from my mother-in-lae and mother were starting to bug me.

8 months later, my mother asks me everyday. What day of the cycle are you? Did you ovulate this cycle? Did you do a pregnancy test? What was your discharge like? Her questioning is like nails on a chalkboard to my brain.

Well congrats mom, Im on day 30 of my cycle. 4 cycles on letrozole now. Did a blood test at day 23 to confirm I ovulated... still got a negative pregnancy test.

You win. NOW Im stressed. NOW Im anxious. NOW Im starting to overplan for what happens if I cant get pregnant.

But Im still hearing it from other women too "are you trying? Well the key is to relax!". Screw you guys, I was relaxed... but everytime I hear someone tell me to "not be stressed" I can feel my blood pressure jump.

Im 100% seeing a therapist starting last month about how triggering the "just relax!" Comments have become.

PS just to add, there is a cultural aspect to the overstepping of boundaries from my mother. But just as many of the women who have told me "dont stress!" are western.

 

[mary_woods]

@highonluna Something important to note- Women in all walks of the world and at all times get pregnant.

Women get pregnant during war. Women in starving villages in 3rd world countries get pregnant. Women get pregnant via rape. Women get pregnant when they’re being domestically abused. Women get pregnant when they’re homeless. Women get pregnant when they’re chronically ill or undergoing cancer treatments. Women addicted to hard drugs get pregnant.

If “relaxing” is what helped women conceive, there would be no conception from stressful events. Whole lineages would die out in times of famine. No woman ever assaulted would have to worry about a child coming forth from that event.

To deduce infertility to stress, or lifestyle, or diet, or anything else uninformed adults try to tell us it can be attributed to is, at best, harmful- and at worst, completely insulting.

Infertility happens because it happens. Do not shoulder blame for infertility.

 

[katrina2017]

@mary_woods This is so important to remember!

Also, men and women in peak physical health with access to top level medical care and in loving, stable relationships can be infertile. To paraphrase Picard, you can do everything right and still loose. Life is unfair, that's just how it is

 

[shesalright]

@katrina2017 This is unfortunately our roll of the dice right now. Our friends, who think being irresponsible is “quirky” and are in a ton of debt, told us they’re pregnant this week. We’re in good health and are thankfully doing well financially and in a very loving relationship and can’t get pregnant.

 

[confusedandoutoflove]

@mary_woods Louder for the people in the back !

 

[mattr61]

@mary_woods Thank you, I really needed to hear this today

 

[idrivetoyota73]

@mattr61 Me too!!!! I feel that I'm done. I just turned 40

 

[srracing]

@highonluna I don't know what people base this advice on! You don't need to relax to get pregnant. You might want to find ways to relax for your mental health, but not for your fertility. Stress away!

 

[highonluna]

@srracing It's actually so shocking to hear. Im allowed to stress. This made me smile! Thank you!!

 

[doulos7]

@srracing I think a lot of it is that people hear stories that confirm their biases. I tried for a while to get pregnant and got pregnant after going on vacation and giving up on getting pregnant naturally. (Ended in mmc at 12w). People like explanations for things as a sense of having control and while it’s tempting for me to think a vacation helped me get pregnant, the reality is that I have no idea why that month worked out and I will never know. I wish it was as simple as me going on vacation!

 

[srracing]

@doulos7 Totally. The studies on this are very murky and it's just one more thing to stress over that is very hard to control. Anecdotally, one of the most anxious people I know is on her fourth pregnancy and has gotten pregnant on cycle 1 every time.

 

[1grace]

@srracing My sister calls me min. once a week to look up her medical symptoms in journals (she's usually convinced she has something incredibly rare and incredibly lethal) and both her babies were cycle 1s lol.

 

[musicgirl1217]

@1grace Hmm, this sounds like stress actually helps, I'll try setting more deadlines and confront myself daily with not having a baby yet!

Somehow you don't hear that but it has the same evidence as the vacation advice.

 

[1grace]

@musicgirl1217 My point was that all of the "if you don't stress you'll get pregnant" is entirely anecdotal - nowhere am I saying that stress helps you get pregnant. I'm agreeing with people that stress basically has nothing to do with fertility using my own entirely anecdotal anecdata.

 

[musicgirl1217]

@1grace And my point was that if I'd believe in anecdotal advice, I'd take your comment as advice as well. But I prefer real data instead of anecdata

 

[srracing]

@1grace Love the term anecdata! lol

 

[dianna]

@highonluna I’m very private about my ttc journey. I refuse to tell my mom, partly because she liter tells everyone everything, and I don’t want a bunch of random people I don’t know being aware of such private business, and also because my mom is overbearing and judgmental and I don’t need her unsolicited commentary. I haven’t even told my best friend because she loves telling me how easy it was for her to get pregnant on the first time they weren’t careful. The only person I’ve confided in is my mother in law because she had a hard time getting pregnant and she understands what it’s like. My husband, on the other hand? He’s told his friends, his coworkers, the dudes he does this outreach thing with, and it is so uncomfortable having the wives of our friends (that I have not confided in) come up and tell me to “relax“ and that “it will happen the moment I stop thinking about it”. Like you said, it’s triggering!

If “just relax” really was the trick to getting pregnant, none of us would be here in this sub. I’m not sure if it’s true for everyone, but from others I’ve talked to in here and other support groups, the first couple months of the ttc journey for most are the least stressful and when they are the most relaxed. For me, it was because I went into it knowing it might take a couple months and I was okay with that and didn’t expect it to happen the very first time. But clearly being relaxed wasn’t the trick, because here I am, 10 months in and still not pregnant.

This whole “relax” thing is kind of like when someone tells you to “chill out” over something you said or feel or whatever, and you aren’t actually worked up, but whenever you tell them you’re fine and they keep insisting that you aren’t, its then when you actually get worked up. But at that point, it has nothing to do with whatever you said at first, it’s because that person just won’t let it go. Or when you’re having a panic attack and someone tells you to “calm down”. Ah yes, thank you, I hadn’t thought of that before! It’s infuriating lol. I was talking to my doctor about stress stuff and ttc and she told me the amount of stress that you would have to be experiencing to actually negatively impact pregnancy is a lot more than the stress most of us have each month from the two week wait or another negative pregnancy test. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that frustration, though, and I hope the people in your life telling you to relax and to not stress back off a bit. They think they’re offering you helpful advice, but it’s really doing the exact opposite. I don’t know if its because a lot of people don’t really know what to say when someone they care about is struggling with ttc or what, but it would be so much better if they would just listen. Suggesting to “just relax” and “don’t stress” feels incredibly dismissive. I see you, though, OP. You aren’t alone. I hope that through therapy, you can find some peace in this journey, and I hope that you can have someone in your life to confide in about this that won’t immediately go to the “just relax” response and will actually be there for you. Sending hugs!

*edited to fix paragraph formatting

 

[shesalright]

@dianna We are also very private and I haven’t told my mom we are trying because she just cannot keep a secret to save her life. My in-laws only know because they were planning a vacation where I couldn’t be past 22 weeks, so we had to tell them we were trying. They had a hard time having both kids and had multiple miscarriages (including a late-term) so I don’t mind them knowing much anymore. I’m in this weird place now of not wanting it widely known that we’re struggling, but also screaming that it isn’t easy for everyone. Selfishly, I want our baby to be celebrated more because we are working so hard for it.

My best friend also got pregnant her first try, and while she tries her best to be supportive, she just can’t understand or empathize.

We’re on cycle 11 and have our first appointment for basic fertility testing next week. Here’s to hoping it will happen for both of us soon!

 

[shenguopoc]

@shesalright Popping on because your comment about wanting your baby to be celebrated more due to working so hard for it resonates so much.

With so many friends/family trying and having pregnancies quickly while we try and try, I am building up more of that sentiment. Still figuring out how I feel about it all…

 

[shesalright]

@shenguopoc I told one of my close friends today that this has been the most emotionally confusing process. I know it’s selfish to want our baby to be celebrated more when all deserve to be celebrated. Our friends (who aren’t the most responsible people) told our friend group that they are pregnant not five minutes after I confirmed that infertility appointment with my doctor. That triggered a lot of conflicting emotions and I didn’t want to take away from their moment, but a part of me wanted to scream “We’ve been trying for a year and still aren’t there! Congratulations but we want this more than anything and it fell into your lap!”