Teenager - punishment question

[missjo]

My teenage DD is in punishment. The best is to take away what she likes most, of course.

So, I’ve taken her electronics. As I have many times before.

Question: With her own money, she purchased a Sherpa throw blanket that she absolutely loves (she wanted mine, but I told her that she could buy one for herself).

I feel like this is “out-of-bounds” to take it away as punishment b/c she purchased it herself.

Opinions please.

 

[cynthia1234]

@missjo Taking things of hers isn’t very logical. Consequences should be tied to the behavior that you’re trying to correct. There are natural consequences, those that happen on their own (you stay up all night, you’re tired the next day; you don’t study for a test, you fail), and logical consequences, consequences that are tied to the action that you impose (you don’t study for a test, you lose your privileges for deciding where/how/when you study and now have to study at the dining room table every day before dinner).

There’s no way that taking her blanket could ever be logical.

The consequences that teach better behavior are the ones that require kids to repeat their actions with better choices (Little kid runs inside, now he has to go back and walk; middle schooler doesn’t make/stick to their own study schedule, now has to follow a parent’s study schedule).

“The best is to take away what she likes most, of course.” Your mentality doesn’t seem to be focused on teaching her correct behavior; it seems to only be focused on inflicting pain to make her “pay.”

If you don’t change this mentality, it will not be surprising if she chooses not to speak to you when she’s an adult. Please check out some parenting books on parenting teenagers, developing kids’ intrinsic motivation, and using logical consequences.

 

[hms]

@cynthia1234 I wish my parents had as much parenting sense as you. :

 

[gracenthyme]

@cynthia1234 Oh crap. Punishment suddenly makes sense now. :0

 

[joshuad]

@cynthia1234 Thank god. I feel relieved just reading this. I remember when my mother would yell at me for being up late. I knew the consequences perfectly well because I spent plenty of time being sleep deprived as a kid (due to poor parenting) and all yelling would do would make me scared and unable to focus on actually getting to bed on time.

I'm also still not totally sure why she cared so much, because me being tired didn't affect her. She does have a lot of issues with separating her kids from herself though. It would have been cool if she'd ever tried to help me solve my problems instead of taking them away or yelling at me.

 

[lue]

@missjo Agree, don’t take her blanky

 

[brotherian]

@missjo I agree, I wouldn’t take anything they bought with their own money.

 

[wonderfullife123]

@missjo If she purchased it with her own money, it is hers and shouldn't be part of this discussion. Yes, take away electronics she doesn't own. Yes, take away her phone or her laptop or her gaming console. Turn off her wifi. Take away her luxuries. Change the password to Netflix and any other streaming service. If *YOU* pay for it, then it's fair game. If *SHE* pays for it then it is hers and not yours to take away.

If she's still not learning her lesson, then perhaps look at alternate punishment, like having her volunteer in a charity setting for a few hours a week, or having her do something else that might broaden her horizons and make her see how lucky she really is.

 

[moorelake7]

@missjo I wouldn’t take her blanket. Their minds are still developing, they will not view it the same way as an adult does. The old way of taking everything and leaving them a pen and paper are gone. If you take their phone, they find a new way to get a “burner phone” which is so unbelievably prevalent with teenagers. They by pass screen times. As you said you’ve taken the phone before, perhaps think of a different ways to help her understand her behavior and why she’s doing it?
I have a teenager and I’ve been through this over and over. I learned that removing an item doesn’t result in changed behavior, it makes them more driven to get what they want. I’m by far not a perfect parent..what has worked best with me is calming myself before speaking to him, trying to remember what it’s like to be their age with no idea how it’s like now with even school being digital.
I’m currently trying to do my best to have a judgement free conversation with my son. Ask him open ended questions on why he felt the need to do said behavior that resulted in needing consequences, if he thinks it’s right and what he could of done better. Work on a game/goal plan long or short term on what he wants and how to achieve the problem solving skills to be able to obtain it without feeling the need to sneak with in reason.
My new approach may be unpopular or coddled but it’s the only thing that’s worked thus far where I feel trust building between us again. They need that especially with how the world currently is. Teenagers are very hard, I had no idea how hard on the teen and the parent. I sincerely wish you the best, I wish I could of written this out better but I hope you understand what I’m getting at. I wish you the best!

 

[missjo]

@moorelake7 Thank you for your eloquent and understanding words.

 

[moorelake7]

@missjo You’re so very welcome. I hope your daughter is okay and I truly hope you’re okay too! It’s emotionally hard on us parents too

 

[timothius]

@missjo I understand the need to search for some way to hold her accountable, but I don't think taking her things is the way to go. I feel qualified to speak on this because for a while that was a favorite method of punishment by my mother and stepfather (and my infractions were not that severe). I came to understand that any item brought me joy was fair game, and the realization that they would actually seek to deprive me of enjoyment and stimulation was a painful one. Having my belongings confiscated made me feel powerless, angry, and depressed. I recommend stepping back and thinking about this approach for a moment - you are zeroing in on something that she "absolutely loves." I believe we need to get away from the notion that in order to help our children do better, we first must make them feel worse.

 

[laurapalooza]

@missjo Technically speaking, if your daughter is under age 18, you own all of her property.

That said, I would not take physical warmth away as a punishment.

If you are sheltering in place and she isn't physically visiting friends, I'd be wary about removing electronic communication for long. Socializing online is vital.

 

[wonderfullife123]

@laurapalooza I disagree with this, very much so. My kids work to earn their money, just as I work to earn mine. They have chores and responsibilities. They get money from Family and Friends for Christmas or Birthdays or Easter. Yes, take away her phone, take away her laptop or her privileges. Privileges are earned, not a right. But if a child purchases something with their own money, regardless of whether it's a blanket or a gaming console, it shouldn't be removed.

As a parent, sure... remove the wifi... but don't take away the item if they earned it. It just goes to show that their hard work can be taken away in an instant because someone else said so.

 

[laurapalooza]

@wonderfullife123 What part of my comment did you disagree with?

 

[katrina2017]

@missjo I'm struggling with this myself. My older son is failing high school because he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't enjoy academics, doesn't want to go to college. He's also ASD/ADHD/ODD which doesn't help. I'd like to take away his electronics but I can't because he's had a part time job since he was 15 (minimum wage at a restaurant washing dishes and cleaning) and bought his own TV, his own Xbox, his own laptop, his own phone, his own Steam subscription, pays part of the internet bill. So I feel like I can't make him stop gaming when he's supposed to be in online school since he's paying for it all himself. I've just reached a point where I've figured I'm going to have to just let him fail and take the consequences. If it means being stuck in his current dead end job for the rest of his life or at least until he wakes up and realizes he wants something more, I guess that's what it will be. His stepfather and I have made it very clear to him that if he drops out or flunks out of high school and continues with a life of working this job and gaming the rest of the day, he will either move out or start paying rent to us as well as buying his own car instead of using mine and paying his portion of the car insurance as well.