Talking to my 6 y.o

G

goldenmindset

New member
I have a good relationship with my child when I have her, but throughout the year I have to use FaceTime to talk to her when she is at her moms.

I usually FaceTime once a week, but lately I’m frustrated that she will get distracted wanting to play and she won’t want to talk about anything besides toys, etc. She quickly disappears to ask her mom about something or wants to do something her mom won’t let her do until she gets done talking, so naturally she will return and ask to go.

Now, I’m starting to feel like talking to her is pointless if it’s only for me and that if she wants to talk to me, she can ask her mom. I know this is unhealthily turning into resentment, so I want to hear your experiences. I can’t help that feel there is no benefit to calling her anymore just for her to disappear off screen for 10 minutes then want to be done talking.
 
@goldenmindset They’re so easily distracted at that age. Don’t take it personally. Find a common ground. Have her read to you or you read to her. At that age my son loved when I watched him play or he would make me play and him watch. You could do that. With her Barbie’s or whatever little dolls she plays with. Don’t give up. It’s not her fault at all. It’s her baby brain that’s still learning. You could tell a story to her and have her draw out as you’re talking. Be creative
 
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@goldenmindset I’m going through a similar situation with my 7 year old. She gets very distracted when she’s at her dad’s and we are on FaceTime. She often gets distracted and will move off screen or have side conversations with her dad. I can sometimes hear her dad reminding her I’m on the phone and trying to convince her to talk to me and I personally don’t like it. Once it gets to that point, I ask her if she wants to continue with our call and if she says no, I accept it.

Try your best to accept that she’s only 6 and her attention span is small. I know it’s easy to get resentful over this but calling her when she’s not with you is you showing her you’re thinking about her and you love her. She may not appreciate it now but when she’s older she’s appreciate the effort you made to stay connected with her while she was at her mom’s.
 
@goldenmindset Find a way to connect with her. Play a game like Battleship or Guess Who. Buy two copies of a book and send one to her so you can read it together. Talk about her toys like she wants to do. If you find she’s getting overly distracted or bored, just figure out a way to tactfully end the call.

Playing the whole “the phone works both ways” game with a 6-year-old is NOT going to go well for you. She’s 6, and for whatever reason you don’t live close. That’s something you either have to rectify by moving closer or accept.
 
@goldenmindset My only complain about my ex in this situation is him thinking the kids should call him, she needs to know you’re reaching out for her. I agree with others that having her read to you is a great idea. That has made a huge difference for us! It made a big difference going from kindergarten to first grade, they learn so much and want to share it.

Also, as the mom I usually go do some chores or even shower so I’m not available. The best conversations they’ve had are when I’m in the shower. Good luck.
 
@sheenask Thank you! She doesn’t really like to read, but I read to her when she wants me too. I do wish my ex would do other things. My kid will be like, can I do this thing and my ex will be like yeah when you’re done talking to your dad. So that sucks and it almost always kills our FaceTime. It just adds up after years of making the attempt and not really feeling like it has any effect.
 
@goldenmindset If you have a decent relationship with your ex I’d just flat out ask her to make herself scarce. At our daughter’s school in 1st grade they have to read every night so maybe when they get to that point it will spark conversations.

I mention the shower thing because once I went and took a long shower and came back to her giving dad a FaceTime tour of every toy in her room, every shirt in her closet. Since then she’s really enjoyed talking to him. I also don’t ask her if she wants to call. I just dial and hand her the phone. No more choice!

Sorry that was a lot, but one good conversation can snowball into more!
 
@sheenask I like the points you made! You’ve lifted my spirits. I should probably try to ask my ex to be more mindful, but I’ll put it this way. For 4 years I have FaceTimed almost every Sunday at 7 pm. On multiple occasions, she has forgotten and made plans for our daughter to play with the neighbors, etc.

We don’t have a good relationship, but I can’t say for certain whether it’s ignorance or malicious. I guess I just fear trying to ask her to respect our FaceTime more and having a conflict. We just remade our parenting plan and it took her two months to sign it. I would ask about it once a week and it became a conflict that I was asking for it. So, it’s a very difficult situation to navigate.

I’m going to continue calling her though. I suppose I just needed to project out there that I was feeling hurt. However, you’re right that she isn’t that far off from big changes in her ability to focus. Just gotta stick it out.
 
@goldenmindset Sorry again 😂 also to add that between 6 and 7 it seems her maturity and ability to participate has quadrupled. Keep trying. It’ll pay off. Also, if she seems bored make the conversations brief so it doesn’t feel like a chore. Short, frequent conversations are more important than length
 
@goldenmindset You have to be the parent. Regardless of whether your daughter is as engaged as you wish or wants to talk about what you want to talk about - you must be there. It’s about her not about you. If she wants to discuss toys make up games to play over the phone, read a book together- let her take the lead on what you can do over FaceTime. Remember above all else - she is your child and young- you can’t expect her to engage in an equal/peer relationship. It’s not equal - she is a child- you are a parent. No matter what - you have to be there in that role on a consistent basis. Distracted or not, engaged or not, interested or not. You have this obligation to her.
 
@goldenmindset Jesus Christ man…she’s 6, what incredibly deep and meaningful convo are you expecting? Relaaaaaaaax.

My conversations on FaceTime with my son, when he’s at his mom’s, are usually the following: “Hi daddy!”, 2 minutes of the ceiling or his hair…him telling me about a toy or show he’s watching, him half wrestling with his brother for 30 seconds and then the iPad being left looking at a ceiling fan while he says something to his mom and runs off.

Every kid does this. Be happy you have the ability say hi and see her face via FaceTime…quit being dramatic about the time not being spent on constructive conversation.

Again…she’s SIX.
 
@dsweats81 I appreciate this comment. My baby is 21 months and has video calls with her father four times a week. He gets easily annoyed when she wanders away or the tablet ends up on the ceiling, and will yell at me to move the tablet. I finally had to tell him that I wasn't going to do that, and he needed to adjust his expectations. She actually does really well for 5-10 minutes, and that seems more than sufficient for a literal toddler.
 
@goldenmindset For a 6yo that’s really good going. My Christmas conversation with my 11yo went as follows:

Him (answering the call): what?
Me: Merry Christmas!
Him: bye!!

It wasn’t meant maliciously. My call had interrupted him playing with his new presents. He later texted me to chat all about his day (well, as much as an 11yo texts).

You’re getting 10 mins of a video call from a 6yo. Enjoy the time you do get. And try not to take it personally
 
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