Taking on my girlfriend’s kids

[katiefutty1]

My gf is the one. So I’ve had to accept that she will come with her two kids which are extension of her so I’ll learn to love them etc etc.

However it’s SO stressful. They are 2 and 5 respectively. I’ve no experience with kids prior to this so I’m really in the deep end. When we go for a kind of ‘family outing’ I’m not enjoying myself at all and they’re so demanding and selfish (which I understand kids are), but it’s hard to look past it when they’re not my own children. If they were they would be my responsibility, I would also be able to apply some discipline, and also I’d love them to death if they were my own flesh and blood. I try to help out as much as I can with them and I will keep doing so. We don’t live with eachother but I try to kind of avoid weekends where they are going to be present if I can. (Which is every weekend). Moving forward, can anyone please offer me some mindset advice or a couple of tips?

 

[marcelmind]

@katiefutty1 Most of the issues that are bugging you about the 2 & 5 year old are likely developmental. Which means they will outgrow them simply by getting older. They don't need "discipline" applied to them. We've learned more about child development than when you were a kid.

You need to apply discipline to yourself. Set an example of good behavior for them. Stay calm yourself. Be patient yourself. Be gentle yourself. Be generous yourself. Your example will show them what to strive for as they grow. Make sure they're well fed and well rested - so that means being aware of how tired they are and when they last ate/drank because you're the adult.

Behavior wise, best thing you can do is forge a relationship with them. Find out what they like. Find things to sincerely praise them about. Do things with them that they find fun. If they like you, they will be WAY more motivated to please you. Behavior with kids is relationship-based. You're the adult in the relationship so you set the good example of unconditional love and showing up for them.

You say you have no experience with kids, but you were once a kid. What are the things that your favorite people did with you? How did they treat you? How do you wish they'd treated you?

Make sure family outings are age appropriate. Go to the park. Run around and chase them. Let them win! Pretend to be an incompetent monster who talks about how he's gonna get them... and then say out loud that they're too fast for you, too clever for you, oh no they've won again. I've never met a child who didn't adore this game (but you may need to make it less scary for sensitive kids who find monsters too scary and are afraid you'll actually eat them or hurt them).

Any hobbies of your own that might be shared IF they are interested? Bike riding (you can pull at least the younger one in a trailer behind your bike) ? Paddling a canoe? Stomping in rain puddles? Making mud pies?

Anything you can turn into play - turn it into play. Cleaning up a puzzle or board game? Make the box seem like it's alive and it's hungry for pieces. "Feed me! I'm so hungry! Yum yum"

You need them to keep walking but they're tired? Pretend to walk like bears, or hop like bunnies, or give them a piggy back ride. Or say that you can walk faster than them and watch them start running. Again, let them beat you when it comes to physical competitions. "How'd you get way up there? I'm gonna catch up to you, right after I catch my breathe..."

"also I’d love them to death if they were my own flesh and blood"

Nah, not necessarily. Your own flesh a blood are way better at pushing your buttons and leaving you super exasperated and flying off the handle than other people's kids. All your hopes and dreams for future and legacy get wrapped up in your own flesh and blood and it's hard when they make different choices than you want for them. Trust me! I find it way easier to be patient with other children and have to use a lot more self control with my own.

 

[travisw918]

@marcelmind Plus one. Yes. Upvote. Awards. Gold star. Trophy.

 

[katiefutty1]

@marcelmind Thanks for the reply!

Yeah you’re right but there’s still a good few years until then! I am very patient and kind and playful with them already but it’s exhausting. The monster game is a good one haha. It’s just stressful for me internally it’s not an enjoyable process for me if that makes sense?

I do try to be as empathetic as possible, like what would I want a male-figure in my life to be like? I always wished that my father was a more authoritative and masculine figure. Disciplined wasn’t the right word to use, but I would like to be able to speak freely and let them know if they are repeatedly not listening, or they hit eachother, that they should go on the timeout step and be spoken to about why that isn’t something they should do moving forward? Or is that outdated?

Haha the end part did put a smile on my face. I suppose you’re right. Maybe I’m just overthinking this. She says I’m amazing with them and people have said I’m good with kids several times before, but I’ve just never had to take it to this “real” level I guess.

Perhaps I just need to stop pressuring myself. I’m constantly danger scanning around them and wrapping them in cotton wool a bit which keeps me on edge, I just can’t relax around them!

 

[joemzkie08]

@katiefutty1 One thing that helps me is to lean into it like a job. Acknowledging that I don’t know what I’m doing, and outside help can teach me how to be better at this.

I really enjoy the book “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. She also has an instagram account and a podcast that are helpful. Highly, highly recommend reading her book and regularly checking out her podcasts. Her mantra is “you’re a good kid having a hard time” and it’s super helpful when my 2 year old loses her shit, lol.

My second favorite book is “How to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”, (and the version for younger kids, “How to talk so little kids will listen”.

 

[katiefutty1]

@joemzkie08 It’s an interesting perspective. I’ll definitely try to think of it that way. I suppose that if I’m doing the “job” right, then I can find satisfaction in that!

 

[marcdll07]

@katiefutty1 Come to /r/daddit -- lots of great support there.

Family outings at this age usually need to be primarily for the kids. You can feel successful at doing something the kids like to do, rather than frustrated about dragging the kids through something you want to do.

 

[katiefutty1]

@marcdll07 Thank you, my new hq!

Damn that is eye opening indeed. I really appreciate it. I suppose today was a success then…

 

[marcdll07]

@katiefutty1 Also, book recommendation: "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso.

 

[paradoxsolver]

@katiefutty1 This would be a great conversation to have with your girlfriend. It's completely fine to get overwhelmed with kids that age. Opening up to your girlfriend with questions and ideas and concerns shows her that you are making an effort to be a positive figure in their lives, just as much as her's.

From a parent's perspective, you trying your best to be involved in the kids' lives makes you seem like a much better match for the family.

And she raised them, I'm sure they drive her crazy sometimes, too. So not only are you expressing your hopes to be a part of her family, but you are also giving her a chance to explain the struggles she has gone through and learned as a mother. Talking about the kids together would deepen your relationship.

 

[katiefutty1]

@paradoxsolver I think I’m nervous to admit to her that I find it so stressful, because then she might not think I’m the right man for the job. It took a solid year of dating her before she finally agreed to make it official, and that’s because she was so careful about who she was choosing to have influence on her kids.

But ultimately, I will endeavour to talk more. Thank you!

 

[paradoxsolver]

@katiefutty1 Try not to enter the conversation as if there's a problem. Look at it proactively. Ask what kinds of things you could do to make things more fun for the kids, or ask questions about their likes and dislikes. You can even ask her if it's okay if you can ask her for help if you get stuck or confused.

Remember, the kids are not a problem for you to solve, they are a lesson for you to learn.

 

[katiefutty1]

@paradoxsolver Thank you, I will do that. I mean we already do stuff to make it fun for the kids it’s all about them at the end of the day but I just want to get to the point where I actually enjoy it too, rather than it being such hard work. Or maybe it just is hard work..!

 

[paradoxsolver]

@katiefutty1 It is just hard work. They can be cute, but those ages can be little greedy demons.

And you bring up a good point. Talk to your girlfriend about introducing things you like into the family time. Make sure the ideas are child appropriate, and remember to check in and make sure the kids are enjoying themselves.

But think of some ways for the kids to get to know your interests. Share some ideas with your girlfriend and see what she thinks. Not every idea is going to work at their ages, but there could be some middle ground that makes everyone happy.

And again, talking with your girlfriend about this shows how much effort you're putting into being a part of the family.

 

[katiefutty1]

@paradoxsolver I will get my thinking cap on and think of some things that I can enjoy too… thank you.

 

[diananwshiro]

@katiefutty1 Kids at these ages are just exhausting. Even if they were your own kids they would be exhausting and frustrating. Yes, you'd maybe have more flexibility in how you parent if they were yours and my advice is that if you are serious about her and in it for the long term, then talk to her about how you can be involved as a parent figure for them and to help her. I'm sure it's just as exhausting for her, and outings likely just aren't enjoyable for anyone, but they can be better if you have the right partnership to parent together.

Get to know the kids as your own, and I bet over time they will come to see you as a parental figure.

Obviously you need to make sure you are on the same page with this, and if you are already invested then keep going!

And as they get older, it will be so much easier and enjoyable. My kids are 5 and 9 and life is soooo much more enjoyable now. And it's even better when my husband and I are parenting together.

 

[katiefutty1]

@diananwshiro That sounds blissful! Thank you for your insight. I can’t wait until I can actually talk to them, or they listen a bit more and have a conversation with me. All I’m good time I suppose.